boneless soul

Jeff Mengorat :)

2011-09-16T18:43:00.000-07:00

Jeff's commemoration

2011-09-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

(Almost) Shattered Dream

2011-05-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

I have a dream. A typical dream I would say.

I have a dream to be given away in my own house.

Although, it might seems bleak now.

Renovation work is going through big hump and what should have finished by now is only 10% done. Oh this is really a test.

I have a dream.

I have a dream to be given away in my own house.

I don't know if that is going to happen now. -.-

Frustration

2011-05-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

Wish I'd taken Medicine instead of Architecture. I would have been a great doctor by now....

Hmm big lie obviously, Im a science idiot, literally.. If I do become a doctor my patients will not only be prescribed with medication but also medicine myth of the ancient malays. Yes I am a sucker for the myths of petua petua.

But yes I am not fit for medicine. Can't even tell if this is gastric or abdominal pain or etc etc.. And I'm not talking about other people. This is my own body and I'm the one who is feeling the pain but I can't tell what kind of pain it is.. Or to be exact where it is, for all I know, when I am in pain, everything hurts.

Basic structure 101.. Cant even tell the structure loading anymore..

Oh what a dumb ass!! (banging head on the wall)

Saving

2011-05-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

Salah satu cara nak saving duit. One day while I was talking on the phone to Jeff,

Jeff : U jangan la merajuk selalu lagi dah. Kalau u merajuk nanti I kena buat benda2 merepek buang duit je.

Me : Haaa? Apsal I merajuk u buang duit?

Jeff : Kalau u merajuk I terpaksa beli itu ini. Pergi sana sini. Naik bus naik teksi etc etc. Macam mana nak saving duit nak kawen.

Hmmmmmm

wuwuwu

2011-05-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

Its a funny arrangement, life. Its funny how we thought we are heading to one direction but in reality we are actually driving ourself away from that direction.

I had a confusing news yesterday. Needless to say I spent the whole morning crying to the comforting voice of mama and also Idora, a friend I look up as a family here.

Ah well. I will fight because I am a fighter.

And yeah today, for the first time that I could remember, mjjaj got mad at me.

So I am today a woman on the verge.

wuwuwuwuwuuwuuuuu (my own personalised sound effect)

Fave tune

2011-02-08T07:09:00.001-08:00

Well, it had been a while now that I have this tune at the top of my playlist. Saje ttbe harini rasa nak share. :)

kenapa bercinta jika kesudahannya pasrah?

kerna bila dilamun indahnya tidak terkata

tersimpan hasrat tiada siapa yang mengerti

harapan menggunung sampai penghujung dinanti

dipegangkan janji tetap ratu di hati

dengan izin tuhan kan bersama kapan hari pasti...

sabar menanti

Funny thing. Love hate course

2011-02-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone in my class is in this love-hate relationship with architecture. We love it that much to be enduring its unforgiving sufferings throughout these 4-5 years yet hate it that much cursing our way through it day by day.

Yes thats literally what you get when we all meet up on studio day. And even if we do not see each other at uni, FB is enough as an evidence of how intense this love-hate feelings we all have for architecture.

The pattern is, you will see a lot of cursing damning architecture on FB. Weekend is supposed to be for relaxing but one friend posted quoting her tutor that says 'weekends are for lazy bums' (what the heck ingat kitorang ni machine ke ape hadoyaii). And yes for my local friends they party hard on Friday night and typical status on the weekend is 'Detoxing' and 'Should be out partying instead got locked in the house to do these damn drawings damn you architecture'. And it gets more and more intense when its night before meet ups or pin ups. Even at 3-4am I can see my classmates' statuses on FB saying how architecture is doing them right now.

And not to mention all those emails that you get from all these people even at 5am asking for information, pictures in exchange etc. Sometimes these emails dont just come from the students, they come from our Unit Tutor, (yes, the beloved one, for real :) at 2am emailing list of drawings needed for tomorrow's pinup. No kidding sometimes we wonder wouldnt it be easier for all of us to get the list way earlier and not like, hmm see, 7 hours before the pinup? Haha funny but yet, we kept coming back to him because truthfully, he's got so much to offer.

Yeah I should get back to work. It wont be long though I only have another 4 months to finish all these. I will go through this with flying colours, InsyaAllah. :))

If I was NOT doing architecture,

2011-01-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have been in a culinary school. I have to admit that I did not make it through my first application to be in the architecture program, hmm, 7 years ago!! I almost gave up architecture. And so I said to my mom I dont want to do this anymore, I want to be a chef and apply to get into UiTM. I was already looking up for the forms and such when my mom gave me a definite no, go through this and finish it.

Haa well you see, I guess they were tired of me not finishing what I started. I went to boarding school when I was in form 4 and boy I hated it so much I made my parents came every weekend, on Saturday and Sunday just to visit me and made them listen to how bad it was for me with a hope that they will pity me and transfer me back to my old school. Naaah didnt work out. Had to stay till the year was over and was transferred back to old school in the fifth form.

And when I get an offer to go to Matriculation in Melaka, I immediately said yes and packed my bags. Although it wasnt for long because a couple of months was enough to make me realize my brain does not work for science. I suck at science (pity my parents, dad is physics experts and mom teaches chemistry but daughter is a dumb ass).

So I plead my parents to get me out of that science bootcamp hell haha exaggeration but yeah got a place to do architecture foundation in MCIIUM. Managed to stay for a year and finish the cert but when things didnt turn out quite like what I expected and got offered to do Urban Planning, I wanted to quit architecture school and do culinary instead. And this is when my mom said buckle up young lady appeal the course or just finish what you've started for once. Haha yeah I appealed and got accepted :D

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have not be as outspoken as I am today. I was never a fan of public speaking and hell yeah thank you for all the individual presentations, I managed to gather a bit of confidence to speak in front of a crowd. And voice out my opinion. Architecture is all about opinion and ideas so being reserve is not an option. Blerghh.

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have not know that I have speech dyslexic. Yeah no kidding. I suck at debating because my mind thinks slower than my mouth. And I always have to assemble words in my head that when I have finally gathered what I wanted to say in a proper sentence, the moment have passed and the group discussion have moved on to another topic. That is why I was always a bit reserve in a crowd, especially when Im with new faces.

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have not known that I can sketch. Or, I would have not learn how to sketch and my handwriting would be doctor-like cursiv, except that this is a no brainer doc-handwriting. Yes architecture have taught me to write nicely and I still remember the wordings that I had to write in my foundation years; we had to write within the four lines like in primary school book these words- A good designer is the one who can control their handwriting. Okay tipu. Had to write this in malay and translated it but hell yeah had to write a lot of those words until my handwriting improved.

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would not be so good at team work. Because, I am a bit, well tipu, I am sangat gila kuasa that I didnt want to listen to other people and that I am always right. (Still am. What the heck??) But architecture is all about team work and you have to work as a team. And somehow it develops your leadership skill. And architects are the leader in the construction industry. When I was working at AMB, my boss used to take me to the site (mainly because I tendered my resignation because they didnt take me out. So they did) and they took me to attend site meeting and such (which I was struggling not to fall asleep pastu menyesal mintak ikut pegi site hahah padan muke aku). But I really enjoyed the fact that all the people on the site know you are from the architect's office and look up at you. And even I was only a Part 1 assistant, whenever I went to the site, Mr Song the site manager always treat me as if I was their boss too. So you see, I am a leader thanks to architecture. Back into the reign the team that I will be working with will suffer so much because I am so gila kuasa as a leader their team work is going to be to satisfy my orders. Muahahaa. Pastu bisnes aku pon lingkup memang terbaik lah!

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would not have appreciate the heritage buildings and our unique vernacular architectures. Dont they get it, all those people promoting eco sustainable buildings that buildings are suppose to respond to the climate and big glazing does not help at all and they call those buildings eco-sustainable friendly buildings but provided ac outlet for each room. What the heck is that?? Seriously, if I do not know what that means, I would have bought the ideology that theyre selling but hank you architecture for educating me how precious our heritage vernacular buildings are.

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have not travelled so much. Architecture have taken me to places that I have not dreamt of. Well tipu. Memang selalu gila mimpi nak melancong luar negara macam kawan2 yang anak anak orang kaya semua tu tapi aku kan tak mampu. So alasan terbaik was always, I want to go there because I want to learn their culture and architecture, it fascinates me how people live and respond to their environment. It fascinates me how the built environment had to make peace and sit in the environment to cater the people and often the debate is how can these elements be happy hand in hand. Yeah more questions but no kidding, different cultures have their own ways of responding to the environment and how do you know this, travel and see these places!

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would not have come to London at the very first place. Kah kah okay maybe ade sebab lain but hell yeah architecture was a concrete reason to get my visa ready and makes me fly away. Yeah. I would have not known so much and would have not open my eyes like today. I would have viewed things the way I have always do because living abroad have really opened my eyes wide. And I love London just have a look at how all these modern building made peace with the older ones and being able to keep their heritage buildings. Look at Malaysia, they knock down all the old heritage buildings and what do we have left? Hmm very few. Shame on you really. Save the old buildings and conserve them!! Old buildings could really work well in a city, look at London people!

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would not have come to London and go to the Potters Field where they had malaysian carnival. It was my first month in London. And I would have not seek shelter under Mofaz's tent at the carnival when it was raining. Anddd.... I would have not known Jefriman Johari, the oversea representative (well, that was what written on his card haha).

If I was NOT doing architecture,

I would have not known Jefriman Johari. And would have not get the chance to get to know him personally. And would not have found my soulmate. Yes, THANK YOU ARCHITECTURE.

THANK YOU ARCHITECTURE.

For without you, I would have not found my love. Mwah! I love you architecture!!

Okay :)

2011-01-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

Mohammad Jefriman Johan Al-Amin bin Johari,

I DO

:)

The drip. (No, literally)

2011-01-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

Yes I had not been blogging for a loooong time now. Seriously! And its already 2011! Oh how time flies!

Anyways, I have moved out from Grove Lane, a house that I have loved very much. It was a very difficult decision for me but after a year and a half I have come to realize that its time to give up on the dream that UEL will be relocated to somewhere central. And therefore the most logical way for me to cut the travelling time is for me to move to Beckton, wiithin the perimeter of my university.

Well I then sorted out to finding a place near uni. And found a room in a female house share that is reasonable priced and really close to uni, 10minutes walk. And I immediately said yes after the viewing.

Haa thats the tricky part. You must be wondering why I did not do more viewings and decided straight away to take the house. Well I had been doing a lot of viewing to rent a house with a friend. And yada yada yada after a tiring few weeks looking for a house, the person bailed out and that left me to be a homeless person in two weeks time. That was why I straight away said yes after viewing the room near uni, I was just sick of searching.

Well I might have overlooked a few things. Nope, the house was perfectly located near my uni. I can see the roof of the library building from my house, thats how close it is. Walking to the uni means I am saving a hell lot of money on transportation, a thing that Im just so glad because apparently the monthly travel card price had soared no thanks to the new VAT hike.

The room size was very reasonable. It is originally a double bedroom but because the bed used in the room is a single bed, I will have ample space to put arrange my stuff.

Well yes, overall I am happy with my room. That's after I cleaned it ofcourse. I have to admit that I found it filthy at first as they had mouldings on the skirting boards and walls. And the carpet is a bit dirty I requested for it to be steam cleaned but they declined it saying the carpet is clean, well, to no surprise considering the staircase carpet was badly soiled and visually not pleasing.

When my boss helped me move into the house, I explained to him my situation. I would need the carpet to b steam cleaned and he said he will have a look at the room size. He helped me took my stuff into my room and he had to admit that the condition of the room is bad, well, hygienically. I had to agree. It looked allright at first but when you started to spend time in the room, there is no way you can just shut your eyes from seeing the dirt and moulding on the wall. And dont let me start on the carpet!

I managed with my room. I cleaned every bit of the skirting boards and the walls. And I get the carpets steam cleaned. I thought I had to dig out my own money but my boss had been so kind to do it for free for me. Yes Im blessed and after the hardwork in the room, I am happy with the standard of cleanliness achieved. Well, in the room anyways.

And yes the toilet, as it is a communal bathroom shared by 6 people in the house, you could not imagine how dirty it is. At first I just shut my eyes and avoid looking at spots where you can see thick mouldings at the corner of the floors. Hairs cover the floor tiling and the bath mat looks like it had not been washed in months!

I did not have to stay here 10 days to decide I had to bring in the cleaner. Well I spoke to the landlady and they seem to be a bit hesitant as they said they do clean it regularly. Although, I doubt it so much as sitting in the toilet looking around is enough to make me puke. It was not until I said I will pay the cleaner as long as the toilet is cleaned that they agree to let the cleaner come. And I asked the permission to wash the mats, they said they just washed them, 2 months ago!! FAINT!!!!!

SO on Saturday, 8th January 2011 Maxine, the company's cleaner came at 2.45pm and started straight away with the bathroom. I told her I only had money to pay her maximum 3 hours and I need her help in the kitchen too. (Yes! The kitchen too!!! Dont let me start with the stove and all. No wonder they have rat sticky mat to trap the rats. Have they ever looked at their kitchen cleanlines??!!) Urghhh I am just soooo stressed out.

I thought Maxine will take about an hour to do the bath. Then she can start doing the kitchen. But boy I was wrong! She took 2 hours 15mins just to do the bathroom. And she earned every little penny I paid her yesterday! It was a hard work and believe me I knew. I spent a good an hour in the bath helping her (yes, thats two person working on a bathroom. Add the time up, the total time needed to scrub down the bathroom is 3 hours and 15 mins! Crazy right!!!)

Indeed! But she did a great job. The bath and the tilings are all shiny and the smell of the bathroom! Aaahhh so fresh its just that nice bleach smell haha I dont care, it is the smell of a clean toilet. Well obviously the time left was not enough for her to do the kitchen so I asked her to clean my room and do the windows instead. Sometimes, we wonder how bad could you be in a room that the walls, skirting boards, the window sill and the windows were just so dirty. Messy is another thing because messy doesnt always have to be dirty but trust me the room was dirty and even after I cleaned it, Maxine still managed to clean it better. And she helped me hover the carpet too. Bless you Maxine!

Well thing about the bathroom is, the tiling work was bad at the bath tub area near the water tap. And while maxine was cleaning that area, I noticed water dripping down in the entrance lobby, directly below the bathroom. It must had been from the previous dripping as the ceiling seems to be a bit cracked. Well I thought was the crack caused by Maxine, hmm no its not at all possible. All she did was pouring water at that side to clean the tiles so there must had been leaking all this while that had eventualy caused the crack in the ceiling. Well it does look like the ceiling had been replastered over some possible work done in the past. And as soon as Maxine stopped working on that side, the dripping stopped. So yeah thank you Maxine for spilling water there otherwise they would not realized the structural crack in the bathroom.

Well sadly I did not have enough money to extend Maxine's hours. I would love her to start working on the kitchen straight away but I had to send her home instead. I took her to the kitchen for the opinion and she said she will need 4 hours to clean it. Well for such a small kitchen I would have said no, 2 hours tops. But with the condition of the kitchen, and having looked at her working in the bathroom, I just nod. I said well I need to gather some money first before I could call you back. And off she goes.

Attached are the pictures of the bathroom before and after. And also the crack on the ceiling. You are welcomed to be the judge!

I now have clean bathroom. :))

SUMMERRRRRR

2010-11-21T04:32:00.000-08:00

Yes! Summer please!!!!!!!

I know I know winter has just checked in but Im already been anticipating SUMMER!!

Oh summer Im in love!

Bored and annoyed

2010-11-01T01:05:00.000-07:00

There is a fine line between joking and annoying. A lot of which many had failed to distinguish between the two. I have to admit that I too am struggling to find the balance of the two.

Ah well we cant be all that nice to people. I have recently slashed a few of my friends for being so irritating and annoying. One of them which deleted me from her fb. Ahah well I guess I deserve it, slashing people on fb is literally humiliating them publicly. Well in my defense they should have not annoy me publicly if they want a fair treatment.

Sometimes I think people forgot the fact that I am just a girl with feelings. Well to be honest I couldnt be bothered if they are just some random friend or some people that makes no difference in my life. But sometimes I felt like I have been forgotten and neglected by some people that I want to be pampered by. Like some specific people who just simply forgot the fact that girls like sweet thang and I am a girl and sweet is my thing. Damn you sweet go away let me just be a hardstone hearted person I guess that will make the whole thing a lot easier.

Yup birthday is coming and to be honest I dont give a damn about this whole birthday thing anymore. In fact I have forgotten how I celebrated my birthday this last couple of years (forgotten means sucks!). So yeah shut up birthday lets just skip the date and get on by with 'life' as we know it. No honestly I dont wish anything for my birthday because that one damn thing that I really do wish is just out of anyone's budget.

Booo you and you and you stupid date! Just leave me alone already!!

Here or there

2010-09-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

Raya is approaching. Meaning I will have exactly a week to pack my stuff and head back to London. To be honest, I dont know what to feel. I am a bit indifferent I suppose. I mean I love it here, I have everything that I need here. But I just cant see how could I cope with life in KL where literally everything is expensive. EVERYTHING.

Ah well. I guess that's the challenge. MJJAJ had been working for a year now (yeayy and applaud) but says he could hardly save because of the high standard of living in KL. Even with his basic that is higher than the normal fresh grad level, he finds it hard to put even a little amount aside. And the fact that he is into IG Index does not help either. Hellowww darling, time to stop yea? ;)

I could not help comparing the living costs in KL and London. People might say that London is expensive to live in but hmm let me tell you the truth, I honestly think living in London is cheaper than living in KL. Put the luxury shopping bits aside, if I am to compare the price of a chicken between these two cities, London still wins. A rooster costs me £2.50 here but a whopping RM10. And no please dont convert the money. This is dollar to dollar comparison and what I am trying to say is, if I earn £1k here I could buy more chicken (and household needs) than if I am to earn RM1k in KL.

Tapi bak kata pepatah, Hujan batu di negeri sendiri, Hujan emas di negeri orang. Lebih baik negeri sendiri. Yes ada betulnya. Banyak betulnya.

Ah well let the time decide. As for now I would say I want to stay. But I can never foresee what the future has to offer so yes, I will keep my option open. Apa apa pun, Malaysia tetap tanah tumpah darahku.

Ramadhan is coming to an end. When I was little I used to dread the end of Ramadhan (although the feeling was a bit mixed up for the excitement of raya). When I was small I used to imagine all sorts of ghosts in the night time and that was why I rarely sleep in my bed at night. I will normally pretend to sleep while watching TV so that I could sleep with my brothers who normally sleep in front of the TV. But this routine change whenever Ramadhan came because I sincerely believe that the ghosts/satans were locked up in the hellfire. I became so brave to the extend I could even wake up at night for a loo without having to switch on the light. Innocent mind ayy, we kids believe what ever we were told. Those days :)

Hmm this Ramadhan had been an eventful Ramadhan. And I am proud of myself for not giving in to the tests and bumps along the way. Ahaa thats too much of self angkat bakul but yeah I have my reasons why I said that. I had been buruh kasar for the past few weeks at the stable working on the horsies dung and riding them in the morning and yet still have all the energies to work later in the day. Yes I am a super woman. Haha

And for the first time this Ramadhan, I went to buy baju raya with mjjaj and synchronized our color scheme. But hmm lets see, same color but different hue. Haha its okay then. He said it was his first baju Raya since the past 4 years because (well spare last year for the hand me down baju raya) but he had been wearing the same old baju raya that he brought to London for the past 4 years. Konon2 save budget. I have to admit I find guy's definition of saving is weird. Hmm

And oh no!! Ramadhan is coming to an end but I have not been to the bazaar Ramadhan yet!!!! Haihh. Well I cant go tomorrow because I am working. Looks like Thursday will be it and I really hope there will still be hawkers selling delicious food at the pasar. Fingers crossed!!

Selamat Hari Raya semua dan Maaf Zahir Batin. :))

:)

2010-09-02T02:21:00.000-07:00

It seems like grown ups lepak is a bit different than how we used to lepak when we were in college. Time constraints, commitments and other responsibilities add up to limit the lepak duration whenever we actually do get the chance to meet up. Ah well. Everyone's grown up / growing up in every sense and yeah now I understand the meaning of quality time with your girlfriends.

I guess I am lucky enough to be busy catching up with the few girlfriends that I still keep in touch with. And I am thankful for knowing that these little lots are always going to be around and will always stay the same no matter how long we have not seen each other. Bliss.

I was seeing my girlfriends for berbuka last Monday and we talked about commitment. And yeah about love. And it seems like all of us are sort of looking at 2011 to end our single life. Haha and we even fought over the nice dates to get hitched and who will have to wait to give way to who. Haha hilarious but yeah I guess we are also feeling the pressure of the happily hitched couples around us. Peer pressure not needed here...!! ;P

And we also talked about the statuses in Facebook. And how vain some people can be, updating their every moves, every moods, every activities complete with thousands of pictures flooding on Facebook, and yet, are constantly paranoid with busy bodies / stalkers. And how we could tell when someone is in a relationship with some other friend that you know in Facebook and how we pity some others who went from 'in relationship' into singlehood. And how these two parties fought publicly on each others' walls on Facebook. No stalking needed, whether you like it or not, it will be on the news feed. Haha drama!!

Well, I know it is always nice to be sharing what we are doing with our friends. But I guess there is a fine line between sharing and sharing too much. Between cool and vain. Between happening and poyo(as my friend said it :P ). Well I hope we will never cross that fine line because vain is so high school. Hello, grow up please..?!!

We paused and asked each other, did any of us girls changed the relationship status in Facebook? Well you see, my guy had been pestering me to change my status but I see that is soo unnecessary because that is a proclamation. And I cant be announcing something that is not even formal (family-wise and religion-wise). Apart from having a busy-body bigger family, (which sometimes suffocates me with their questions) I think some things are better kept to oneself, myself (..yourselves..?).

So yeah, none of us changed our status. I guess it is a sign of maturity. I am not saying we wont change at all. Yes we will. But no hanky panky couple status, we will change to 'married' once we are one day. One fine day. InsyaAllah :)

After chatting for a few good hours, it was time to head home. Yes it was short but these little gatherings are meaningful. They are supplements in our life. In my life. And I treasure these moments more than I used to. Yes its true, loves come and go but friendship remains. :)

A little confession ;)

2010-08-09T03:27:00.000-07:00

Hey hoo. Okay I know its the last day before the holy month begins, but I just have a confession to make.

Call me psycho because I do call myself psycho at times but heck I am just standing firm for what I believe is mine. Okay the story begins.

I was not fated to be loved. Yada yada yada yadaaa.......

Okay cut the story short, I had to kiss a few frogs before I truly found my prince. And yet when I have him, well of course there isnt anything as happily ever after ending, but as much as we could we try to make it as smooth sailing as possible.

You know how in any movies, there has to be the bad ugly monsters. Yes, there is a pest in our story. And let me officially grant the pest a name; Ogla.

Well you see, Ogla is not really a bad person but the drama that Ogla is playing is in itself mean. Haha okay I dont know if I get the term right there but Ogla can be considered as an evil unwanted family member. Yes! Just like Snow White's mom, so pretty and ever so darling to the blind eyes but only the households know how evil she could be.

Well that is an exaggeration but that is exactly how I felt towards Olga. Although Ogla has got nothing to do with me but indirectly Ogla is really annoying in Ogla's own unique ways.

So I am trying to outsmart Ogla by chasing Ogla away from our story. In my own ways I think my work is proving a bit success but I hope this will stop soon and we can go on continue to fight other monsters. Haha see. Call me psycho but heck yea I dont mind. :P

Well no ending yet to this story. Because I have to sort of pause my mission to shoosh Ogla away because of Ramadhan. Well I really hope my mission will work after the pause.

Or hmm. Maybe Ramadhan will bring a light to me and makes me view things in a different perspectives. Maybe Ramadhan will makes me see Ogla as a cute teddy instead of a big fat green monsters.

Happy Ramadhan everyone! May we all be blessed with this holy month.

Barclays vs Natwest

2010-08-03T06:13:00.001-07:00

Greedy haha but yeap, Im banked with them two. I have been with Natwest for two years now and for a year with Barclays.

Well so far I think I prefer Barclays over Natwest.

Reasons why I think Barclays is a much better bank than Natwest;

Natwest's overdraft charge : 38pounds!!!

Barclays' overdraft charge : 8pounds

Natwest charge me if there is insufficient funds for direct debit transfer between my accounts as overdraft!

Barclays never charge me if there is insufficient fund for direct debit transfers between my accounts.

And plus many other (I am too lazy to list them down here). So if you are thinking to open a bank account in the UK, I definitely recommend Barclays for the benefits you will get (even from the normal current account) and for the superb customer service.

Barclays is the best. And that is why they can afford to sponsor the Premier League.

anxiously restless

2010-06-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

Final is over. For real. its over. Assessment was held a couple of weeks back and now I cant tell how anxious I am waiting for the result.

Idora had been laughing at me since the day I managed to rest. Because I was restless. Waking up to nothing seems weird. I have always been waking up to work and work and work and now I dont have to do anything. It feels strange. And weird. And in its own way makes me restless.

How can I not be restless? I have nothing to do now that its done. But I cant stop thinking should I be starting to do more work IF (God forbid) I got referred to September. I dont know. I cant tell and Michele is not telling either.

And so I had been sleeping a lot of the time. Until I get all sorts of headache, backache and all the unhealthy syndromes of NOT DOING ANYTHING.

Well, I did do quite a few things to be fair. I did went out with my friends. Had a good(if not, greaat) time karaoke-ing (and simply cant wait for more karaoke sessions back home), picnicing, barbequing, rock climbing (hell Im good at this!), shopping (I wonder how much is the balance on my credit card.urghh) and basically lepaking with my fellow mates.

No pictures. Sorry peeps. Pictorial feeds are rare simply because I dont always carry a camera phone with me. Oh well spare the crappy camera phone. Mobile upload is the way to go!

Okay this seems dry. I hope I have better things to write but honestly, I dont. Huuu..

Till then. :)

old flame new flings

2010-04-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

I used to write letters when I was in school. YES. To one person I admired so much, FER.

In the good old days, cell phone was a luxury. Not everyone could afford one. What more a school girl like me. Other than the classic telephone and mIRC chatrooms, the only other way to flirt and convey your feelings were through love letters.

When I was in my form 2, I had been receiving 'regards' or 'kirim salam' from a senior I have never met and known. I have never fancied this secret admirer thingy because I thought it was lame and cheesy (thanks for being friend with milla who was a rocker back in school :) but this one particular person have always made my heart pounds. Although, for the entire school year, I have never knew who he was.

I was a loud girl back in school. And being loud does come with shortages. When you are loud you are prone to getting others to dislike you. And in high school, they call these loud or extra loud girls as gedik. Well, I was not extra loud but I guess I qualified to be branded as gedik.

My class was on the 4th floor next to the form 3 class. And you have to pass through this senior class to get to my class. I had a guy friend (Jambu) in the 3 Jujur class who often came to me asking for numbers and details of the junior girls in my batch. And in return (as I always thought) he said one person in his class asked him to send me his regards. I never really buy this as I thought he Jambu was just trying to please me so I would help him more often.

But ah well I was a school girl anyways. Although I never buy the person's name or what so ever, his regards always made my day. Even though I knew Jambu would have most probably came up with the name, time made me vulnerable to the feelings alike and I started to believe there was actually one person in their class names ****.

School girls like to go to the toilet although we never really used the toilet. And that includes me. One morning while I was climbing up the stairs to my class, I saw my clic of girl friends making their way to the toilet. I rushed to my class, put my school bag and rushed out from the back door to join the morning gossip session with my girlfriends in the toilet.

And that was the first time I saw him. I was rushing out my back door and he was only making his way into his front door class. And we collided. I saw him moved aside but I could not be bothered until I saw his name tag. FER. I made my way but I stopped at his back door and looked back, he was looking from the inside and smiled. And I had butterflies. That was the first contact I had with him after months of hearing his name. And I thought, oh after all, this guy DOES EXIST! I never really paid attention to the gossips that morning. I had that picture of us bumping into each other and the few second contact kept playing in my head, over, and over, and over again.

Ever since that, I tend to behave better whenever I passed his class; no more running, no more shouting. I walked anxiously and sometimes, I could feel as though there is a pair of eyes watching me from the inside. I never looked in as I used to because I was afraid I would be shy if I saw him.

Whenever I made the turn to my class passing his class, Jambu and friends were always loitering around at their back door whistling at girls passing by. If I used to greet Jambu and he would ask me names and details of the other juniors, there was a time when it was me they were whistling at. Everytime I passed by his class, they will call his name out loud and said 'heyy ****, look who's passing by here' and whistled. I didnt know how to react. At all. I suppose I liked him too. :)

But that was it. Until they were done with PMR and our class had to be removed to another class (which means we were no longer their next door :( , I clinged on to his picture in my head of the only contact we had. I knew I liked him too but he never made his moves so I guess I was not really his type. We did bumped in mIRC but he never really say hi to me. It was awkward. And weird. My nickname was antu^girl and his was budak^hantu. What a coincidence!

I had never heard from him ever since. The school year had come to an end and the seniors were done with their PMR. We were done with our final year exams and we came to school to have fun and participate in activities held by the school. I dont know how it is now but there was a culture of writing autographs and contact informations in small autographs books at every year end and I was walking around getting the seniors in form 5 (yes, I was close to some of the form 5's too) to fill my book.

I was sitting with my girlfriends in my class when I saw Jambu and friends walking down the stairs from the distance. I rushed out the classroom and shouted aloud and ran to him with my autograph book. I asked him and his friends to write in it as kenang-kenangan. And I told him, please ask **** to write too.

On the afternoon of 181199, I was in class when Mon (one of my girl friends) came and said somebody wants to see me. I went out to the stairs and I saw **** with a friend of his waiting for me. He handed over the book to me and said something which I could not hear properly because I was too busy blushing and hiding behind Mon. I said thank you to him and we exchanged smile. I went back to class and read his page where he gave his number and wrote (please call, its urgent). I was moved with this and I gave him a call later in the afternoon and we started talking ever since frequently on the telephone. He said there was nothing urgent, just wanting to get to know me more urgently. :)

He passed his PMR with flying colour. He's got 8 A's and was granted a place in MRSM Jasin and that was when we started to write love letters. He would call me everytime he came home and made me happy with his stories. Yes everytime. Except for one time, one last weekend that he came home without calling me.

Mon had became very close to him. Some times I envied Mon but he said he was close to Mon because she was my best friend and he was comfortable with her. But I was jealous and I quarrelled with Mon because of him.

The last weekend he came home I went to KLIA to send baba abroad. My phone at home was not working so I called Mon to apologise. 29th October 2000. I called her to say I am so sorry and I hope to see her the next day to sit for our first PMR paper. But she said Adah be calm for what I am about to tell you. **** had passed away in an accident today. I was crushed. I hope she lied. I wanted to asked more but my line had been cut off.

The next day I went to school crying. Every one thought I was afraid of PMR but Mon and my girlfriends knew why and they consoled me. My BM paper was literally wet because I cried all the way while writing the paper. The invigilators repeatedly warned me not to wet the papers so they could be marked. But they didnt know what was happening and I kept on crying and crying and crying and I could not stop until the 3rd day.

I never went to the tahlil nor his funeral. I was too vulnerable. But until today, whenever I have the time to, I will stop by at his cemetery. Make some prayers and wet the soil with some waters. I went there with Milla most of the times. We will stop at his plot first, then to Milla's dearly departed cousin next.

His smiles have never left the wall in my head. And I had not stopped from writing love letters to him. I would tell him everything that excites me and hoped I will someday get some replies. I never did, of course. And as time passes by, I hated myself for forgetting how he sounded like and how his voiced had soothes my ears all this time. And without fail, sparked butterflies and brought smiles to me. I was really really crushed.

Today I was browsing through facebook and saw some old class photos. I thought I was familiar with that face and I guessed it right. It was him and it sparked butterflies in me. Again. Still does. :)

I never knew whether he really liked me or not. He dedicated roses and all the cheesy things to me but never made it clear. A friend of mine said he referred me as his girlfriend. And I cried frantically questioning why do I have to know only when he's gone? But Allah loves him more and the fate had been written.

I have loved a few and get over them. I even get cosy with a friend because he has a soothing voice similar to ****'s. I gave him hope and crushed him because I realized the more I get to know him, the more I realize he is different from ****. Faissal, if by any chance you ever read this piece, I am truly sorry and this is the reason why.

Yes, I have loved a few and get over them. But I have never managed to get over ****. Sometimes I wonder, if he is still alive, will we ever be together? Or will I still be adoring him? Or was everything just a joke in the very first place? Wallahua'lam.

One thing for sure, he had truly gave me an experience every girls ought to have. I could even safely say here, he was my first puppy love. He was and will always be my secret admirer.

May you rest in peace, my dear FER. Al- Fatihah.

break :)

2010-03-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

At the start of my easter break, i bought a wii and i have been wii-ing ever since. I could tell my arms are fit now that those exercises have toned my arm muscles. And I'm only on my 3rd day of the break. Now tell me how am I suppose to finish my assignments and email Michele the plan he asked when all I have in mind is wii-ing all day long.

My oh my its the end of March now. How time flies. And how I have struggled my way through to where I am now. I have difficulties with design and many many time I woke up with an intense love/hate feeling for architecture. \the newer iconic ones turn me off. Where have all the richness gone to?

Last month I arranged cupcakes delivery for Mr Jefriman to be on the 15th March. We could the most plan but He has his own plans and Jeff was posted to Sarawak for almost two weeks. So I had to arrange a flower delivery to his hotel and the cupcakes had to be delivered on Sunday instead. He had a nice surprise and i love him. And so does he. Even more!

Jeff was talking to me about work and how he has a vision to bring change to the nation. And he talked about joining politics. Err honey, I very much hope you're only joking. Politics are bull. Especially in Malaysia. I don't mean to interrupt with your dreams but I guess I have the right to say no, please don't. I love you too much to see you astray.

I could not care less if people doesn't know me. I admire those who are actively involved with clubs/societies. It's not that I am a snob for not joining the activities but I just don't have the time to. And most of the time I just don't feel like. I am not a people person so I find it a struggle to meet new faces and fake a smile to be in my best behaviour. I am sorry I am not friendly but hey, this is me.

That was why I was so cool when my laptop crashed. Of course, I freaked out because my works are all in the laptop and to the thought of living without it. But after a week I get the hang of living without laptop. I was cut off from the virtual world but its okay, it has no impact on me. And so I lived for almost two months without laptop. I did most of my models and hand drawing in the studio and if I need to use a computer, there is always the computer lab. Problem? What problem? :)

Baba bought me a new Dell Studio with cool specs. Thank you baba I love you so much! And so here I am typing with my new Dell. I have been using this laptop to do most of my assignments. The last assignment I handed in was professional studies review of a building. I wrote a review for Challis Damansara, the project I was working on when I was with AMB. And to no surprise, I had baba and mama to prove read my piece. And so they did within a very limited time. It came back as a very nice piece and I do hope I get good mark for it.

Baba and mama are going for umrah this coming April the 10th. Ema and Naya are tagging along. I wanted to ask them to pray for my success. In this world and the here after. So I could get it through this year with good grade. So I could pass next year with even better grade. And so I could marry this guy that I like to live with for the rest of my life. Nope, I am not ready yet but I hope by next year I will be ready. Insya Allah.

I have a paper due in April. On the 14th to be exact. Oh well it is just a 5000 words piece of writing. But I kept telling myself if I want to get baba and mama to prove read it for me, I have to finish it atleast by the 8th. Which is about 10 days away. I think I have ample of time to write it. Oh well lets hope I think right. Because with this attitude of waking up late and sleeping early and playing wii all day, I would bet on myself I will not finish it on time.

Wii oh wii. Why are you so seductive and addictive?

Come on raudah! Get your bum moving!

I thought of writing my assignment tonight but I went astray to blogging instead.

Ah well. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I just want to sleep.

I know. Its only half ten. But heck I dont have this chance everyday.

I am well tucked in. Night people!

hello mellow yellow :)

2010-03-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

Long silence i know :)

hello hello! guess guess... I am now online using my new Studio 15 Laptop by Dell! Yeayy (wave :D :D)

Ever since Ive got this laptop this afternoon (yes, I rushed home from uni to make myself available for the home delivery :D :D), I have been trying to get the hang of it.. well, not that its difficult to work with, but u know lah..jakon!!!

Oklah better get back to work. I have a portfolio review tomorrow. (Sigh I cant wait for this to be over -.-''

concluding 2009

2010-01-04T03:27:00.000-08:00

i know i have promised to conclude so much of the year 2009. geeez. dont think i have time. hehe. but its okay i'l give you some pictorial feed of the year. (read:pictorial feed. very rare!)

JANUARY

okay this is not 2009 but it was our winter holiday at Bath.i just want to upload this pic :)

new year parade at London

oh wanchik is in town!

n i get to stay at one of the Park Lane hotels..weehoo :)

moment of the month:

jeff kept taking my snaps. i dont know already how to pose n i thought to myself, omg jeff u tengah buat i malu niiii....*blush*

FEBRUARY

hana's first day here

herman the landlord, hana the tenant and jeff the estate agent

14th february...the night where i got a flower delivery on my door late night :D

yeayyyyy london is snowing..we played in the snow and made a little snow man sbb sangat sejuk..anyways the upper picture is the picture of my front yard n the lower one is the picture of my back yard...ffrrreeeeeezing cold

moment of the month:

ayah playing in the snow!sooo cute!!

MARCH

celebrating kak nana's graduation :D

kak nana was here for her graduation and ap was here for holiday!

i get the chance to visit paris n barcelona!

school sweethearts..our first girl is getting maried!

the newly weds

aww my bestest friend is married.sedih but happy.love her so much!

jumpe munshi after mara interview having a cup of cendol.i miss hanging out with munshi :)

moment of the month:
before going back to london.atleast now i know she's got a hubby to turn to :)

APRIL

sun starts coming out.we went out for a picnic :)
visitors from malaysia and dining with frens :)

jason mraz concert!ive always dreamt of watching jason mraz with my boyfren.this year,it came true!love abang mraz n abang jef!

moment of the month:

encik mrazz performing on stage.im so happyy that we got to watch him in london because i heard in kl it was very crowded!

MAY

opah wanted to visit so she made a plan with mama n baba :)
so we went touring and this is baba's uni in loughborough
mama n baba <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_j-s9C6GhpGM/S0IItxvRhPI/AAAAAAAAANQ/Rpd-3ulcnyc/s1600-h/mh.jpg">happy month!

moment of the month:

mama n baba at the rose garden, regents park <3>

JUNE

nur and nour..arent they sweet!
sun is out..lets sunbathe!
MJ passed away..tributes from fans
the day out with cuzzie and boyfie..we went to watch Transformers and both cousin n boyfren drooling over Megan Fox as if i was not there!lol

moment of the month:
my chef cooking sambal with goggle sbb mata pedih..aint he cute?

JULY

weekend getaway to Edinburgh
fishing and camping at Perth and BBQ at Edin National Park :)

i was summoned to go back and attend BTN.but it turned out to be fun!

moment of the month:en jefriman sabar fixing the rod..and he looks so cute aww i love this guy!!

AUGUST

bbq and introducing mjjaj to my beloved closest ones :)
one wedding that i managed to attend while im in kl
we played in a league and Veritas won 1st place!!i was the goalie!!

the bestest who will always be there :)

moment of the month:
was really glad my besties love him!n i love him even more!!!

SEPTEMBER

rayaaa!!!!
last outing with the girls...

moment of the month:

snapped by nurin :)

OCTOBER

jadi buruh kasar as part of my project..:P

jeff's family came for holiday so took them to see the London Eye and Big Ben jefriman's graduation :)

moment of the month:
noww i cant wait to graduate like this guy and go back to Malaysia.to my family and to him :)

NOVEMBER

birthday celebration and bonfire night with my group :)
Venice
Bologna with my Unit :)
Milan with my Unite :)

moment of the month:
'modular man' pose by Le Corbusier

DECEMBER

its christmas sale!!!
Poksu, Moksu n Khalid in London!
Eurostar got upgraded to first class!!
Bella la konon
Daniela's birthday party

i wish these kids are mine!they look like angels awww

moment of the month:

our picture with the christmas tree..what a happy holiday! :D

yeah pictures managed to say so much more.
what an eventful year!

good bye 2009, hellooo 2010

mjjaj mengigau

2010-01-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

yeap!!no kidding haha

i was talking with mjjaj for about 45 minutes. 40 minutes of a civilized conversation and a good 5 minutes trying to figure out what he was saying. and my prediction was right! mjjaj fell asleep and he sleeptalked. awww so cute. so mjjaj, read this!

i was talking on the phone with you when u suddenly said..."lawanya rumah..putih cantik.."and u mumbled. i couldnt pick up what u said..then i jerit on the phone 'saaayaaannggggg' n yeah i get a good response. a concious u. then u cakap eh u tertido. ape u cakap rumah i cantik. n i laughed at u..

then u went again n cakap "kereta tu okay ke?dah dah coat tu cantik pakai betul2 orang nak keluar dah tutup pintu kereta" n i ask haa kereta?? i thought u asked about me buying a car when im going back and i told u ahh well the picture seems bleak..and i wasnt finished with it n u mumbled

aaand

then u went "rice cooker u dah ok?" i was like??haa rice cooker?? by this time i knew youre half concious. and i played a part. i tanye,rice cooker mane? and u went.."ape rice cooker.pressure cooker lah.u kate pressure cooker kawan u mintak tu dah hantar malaysia ke belum sape ambil bisnes macam mane" and u mumbled a bit. i couldnt catch what you were saying though

...n then long silence................

i couldnt stop laughing then..

mjjaj!u tertido sambil cakap dengan i and mengigau siap..i was speechless.......

but i love u stil!!mwah mwah loll

frustration

2009-12-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

oleh kerana otak sangat lembap it pile up to be a frustration..ape it?it adalah bila otak lambat berfikir atau tak dapat memikirkan idea idea yang bernas,jadi membuahkan suatu perasaan iaitu kekecewaan terhadap diri sendiri..
selama 24 tahun belajar (tolak 4 tahun dari bayi hingga 5 tahun) atau lebih tepat lagi 20 tahun belajar (dan jangan lupa tolak 2 tahun bekerja) maka selama 18tahun hidup menuntut ilmu di institusi pengajian,tidaklah pernah saya terasa sangat bebal seperti sekarang.
ini adalah kekecewaan hati diri sendiri :(

wonderful

2009-12-30T04:19:00.000-08:00

ade baaaaaanyak benda nak cerita and nak tulis.but because its holiday so i get to spend lots of time on the phone n internet with mjjaj n i told him most of my stories.n because this blog is specially dedicated for him (he was the one who pestered me to start this blog in the first place anyways), rase malas pulak nak tulis banyak2 because he already knew what ever that i wanted to write.

anyways,am going to lady gaga's concert this coming month.so sekarang tgh sebok study lady gaga's songs.haha stupid i know.but heyy i want to sing along nanti n not just terpacak layan music tapi takleh nyanyi.lol

n this one song me likey!!!

specially dedicated to mjjaj.again.hehee..sorry tapi who would have thought i'll be in love again after so many things?i thought im only good at being dumped and breaking hearts but i guess mjjaj managed to tie me to the ground and said no, its time for life!

will write more of the 2009.and conclude so much.will do that tomorrow though.today is still 30th and not the last day yet. :P

snnoooowwwww!!!!

2009-12-16T04:44:00.000-08:00

yeah.again.its snowing in london!!

me: bbbb
me: SNOOWWWWW
(i sent picture of the snow rain in my yard)
jefriman: Bbbbbbbb
jefriman: London gilaaaaaa
me: tau takperrr
jefriman: sejuk tak
jefriman: takpe,jaket hitam i tu memang tahan tauu

=)

ape jeff cakap tu mmg betul.london gila.earlier this year we had a very thick snow (knee high!!) in london and yeah letme tell u something,IN LONDON!!london is not suppose to have all this heavy snow.this global warming is really starting to take its toll on the world's climate huh.

nevertheless,i get to experience having thick snow and making my own version of snow man (a little tiny one sbb too lazy to finish it..its freezing cold durhh!!)and i guess it would be nice too because they will be having white christmas this year.

thinking.wouldnt it be nice if i could have some gula melaka and kuah cendol here.nanti bila snow dah tebal bole scoop je the ice and have it with my cendol..sluuuurrrpppp

yeah keep on dreaming.crit is tomorrow for god sake get back to work!sigh

sambal belacan

2009-12-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

you read that right.sambal belacan!

mom sent sambal belacan instant for me last monday.uncle capt (thats what we call him for being a capten) arrived monday morning with my usual lot mama used to send to me. tat nenas (my fave), kuah rojak from opah (i love opah!) and this time with 3 bottles of sambal belacan!wee hoo!!sambal belacan in bottles!!in return i send her the pressure cooker she's been asking for months now.hope she's got it now :)

so yeah sambal belacan.i went home and boy i couldnt tell you how knackered i was!tiring weekend,sleepless nights,tiring discussion yadaa yadaa.all i could think of was just have shower and sleep! (yeah,i didnt have shower this morning because i was sleeping at uni.shh.our secret :P)
put my stuff in the lounge,went into the kitchen and indulged myself with a cup of hot milo (u have no idea how milo comfort you so much in this cold lonely winter) and thought of what to have with my sambal belacan.

obviously i was too tired now to cook..so i let the cooker do his magic with the rice while i dug into the fridge looking for any left-overs to have with my sambal belacan.n tadaaa yess!i found not one but two left-over to have for dinner.one is peri2 chicken i had last friday (i never really finish my food and its very common for me to pack them, bring home, stuff in the kitchen until its time that i would think..naah its too long then in the bin u go!but this peri peri chicken had been saved by my sambal belacan weehoo!) and the other was some soup i cooked last week.cant remember when though :P

so yeah i reheat everything in the microwave,ran upstairs and had my refreshing shower and came back with everything ready complete with a sign..; DIG IN!!!!
n so i did.they were yummily delicious!!! (except for the fact that the chicken was then very dry thanks for 3days in the fridge and an inconsiderate level of heat in the microwave and the soup..hmm yeah actually the soup was off.but i ate it anyway because i knew my stomach could stand it but halfway through i just thought its too bitter for me to take.i know u might think im gross :P)

yeah for a long long time now i havent enjoyed my dinner as much as i did last monday.(or is it safe to say i only enjoyed my rice and sambal belacan?)

and thanx to my sambal belacan, i have all the drive to cook now!
the day before some fish
and tomyam for thursday
and kari ikan on friday
and now thinking wut to cook for today......

oh i still have the left over of yesterday's curry..i'l just reheat it and eat it with my sambal belacan!

yummilicious!

hand me down

2009-12-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

this song gives me goosebumps every time i listen to it.its amazing how song relates to you in many many ways right?

thanx for coming into my life! =)

relocate?

2009-12-09T12:16:00.000-08:00

i guess we cant complaint when we are studying.what more when we are funded to study abroad.shhh no complaints no blame.just work for it!
i havent had proper sleep for the last week and i am actually amazed at how my body react to it.im currently like a machine,im either switched on to do my work or switched off to sleep and rest.fair enough :)

i could deal with that.however,what upset me the most is i could not plan my journey time properly.its out of my hand.totally out of my hand.

i live about an hour away from campus.hmm not too bad considering in london,standard door to door journey is about an hour or so.so yeah okay thats not too bad n i dont have go through many changes.

if it is a smooth ride,i dont even have to wait long for busses.i just have to catch bus 42 from denmark hill to tower gateway in which the clear traffic journey is only about 25minutes.then i hop off the bus and hop on a dlr from tower gateway to cyprus station which takes another 25 minutes.so yeah smooth ride is about an hour to school.

hmm smooth ride haa.well u know what.its not always smooth ride everyday.on average it takes me roughly one and a half hour to school.spare the extra minutes waiting for the bus that dont ever seem to come and the bad traffic that u wished u have brought a bread to clear the jam.hmm i know.bad joke huh.

so yeah.studying is okay but its the travelling that drains my physical energy.mind you,standing in the cold with harsh wind gushing on you waiting hoping the bus to come for ages exhaust not just my physical energy but also mentally depriving i could say i lost 70% of my patience.tips: dont call or text me while im waiting for bus because i'll just blow it to you.ask jeff.he gets it everytime.

i think ive started liking the idea of living on campus.i wont just save my travelling time (which also means i could get more sleep), i would also save hell lot of money from travelling. and having all the facilities within walking distance tempts me.

last monday i stayed overnight in the uni and went to school the next day without bathing.i kept telling myself i stink (in which of course i didnt!) and yeah i would love to have a room in the hall so i could have the convenience of working and living without consideration of travelling on public transport.i almost thought ive clearly i made up my mind that i am going to apply for a room and move into the hall next year.

then i went home in the evening.and the first thing i did was put my stuff in the lounge.i have this corner in the lounge where i set up a working space so i could do my work.and i just rest on the couch,relieved to be home.and i went to make a cup of milo in the kitchen,i sat at the dining table and just look at the kitchen.my kitchen.my huge kitchen considering its london.and at one side of the wall i look at the row of shoes idora and i had on the shoe rack.visitors always thought there are more than 2 people living in this house at the first impression of how big the house is and many the shoes are!most of the time we just grin.afterall we are girls and girls LOVE shoes.

after having my cup of milo i head to my room upstairs.aaaahhh my room.my very own room.i hurried to change and have shower considering i have not bathed for 2 days now.and yeah if i havent mentioned i even have a sink in my room (i dont know why) but in many2 ways its an advantage to me because i dont have to do run to toilet everytime i need to use the tap.and its within reach from my bed meaning i dont even have to stand and walk from my bed to have a glass of water.n yeah bed.my white covered bed which i love so much.i could stay in bed all day and pamper myself with all sorts of manicure pedicure skin hair care product without having to go downstairs.i have them all here.and the parlour beside my bed is genius as it gives me extra work top to put my books and my little bedside lamp.often i read myself to sleep with all sorts of books that i read and the location of the lamp is just perfect.

lying in bed then,with my books,i thought to myself.could i give up all these homely feeling to the dormitary-like halls and having to share kitchen with another 4 other flatmates without knowing what type of food do they even eat.and could i even live without my lounge?my sunny lounge that overlooks the lovely grove lane and a tennis court that inspires me to play sports.even if i put all these sentiments aside,could the new hall or room accommodate my stuff?i tell you my stuff has grown so much i could not imagine myself moving from this house other than going back to malaysia for good.

hmm.at all time i wish i could relocate this house to somewhere closer to uni.or even better,relocate the uni to the city.haha crazy.oh well,i cant have them both can i.

i guess i have to choose.i will definitely be staying here until i finish with this year study.but do i want to endure the long journeys everyday to school again for next year?hmm i dont know.

i kept on thinking of it this way.

travel is a means to an end.home.

sunday evening

2009-12-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

sunday morning rain is falling
sunday evening wind is blowing

sunday sunday sundayyy
oh wow what a long day

i bet jeff is fast asleep now.i wish i could too.but i just know i cant.

am currently in the library.its 830 and its dark outside.no dlr for the weekend means urgh i probably need to sleep in the library.we will see.

sleep well b.didnt mean to do what i did today.i am just so lonely now not thousands of friends could fill the emptiness in the space that i have for you.talking to you makes my day.my everyday.

terribly missing you!

suddenly

2009-12-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

i am currently reading cities for a small planet by Richard Rogers.and i find it amazingly inspiring.

i know i should be carrying on finishing this book but i cant help myself imagining of what i could do or what i would be able to contribute to malaysia in answering issues raised in this book.oh pardon me for not introducing the insight of the book.it is actually discussing the essence of a city of how it was, how it is and how it will be.and just by this main subject, i think it had successfully unfold the hidden cognitive content within the development of a city,an urban space and its relation to human being and how we behave towards the built environment.

i thought for a moment, i just have to pause and write instinctly the immediate impact i had from this book towards my thinking. i may just be too early to conclude anything but i guess the book had given me ideas of what malaysia could improve in terms of urbanization of a city and how the character of different cities should stay and create an agglomeration into an urban context as a whole.

yeah i think i have a better clarity of my ambition now. and undoubtedly im sure my ambition will develop into some what a vision of how i could contribute into making malaysia a better country. and i might have other different ideas that will come along through this journey.but one thing i am very sure is, i know i will want to make a change or at least contribute on developing urbanization in malaysia.from various aspect.

yeah i know tetiba hari ni semangat gile la kann.but heyy i am indeed a malaysian. and i guess its not wrong to be patriotic every once in a while. afterall, i am a government sponsored student. ;)

kenaaa!!!

2009-12-04T03:41:00.000-08:00

Haiiyoyoo what laaa have happenned to my motivation!!everyday sangat super tak productive and sleep anywhere i could.and eat all i cann..urghh ni sume winter punye pasal!!

i had a very helpful input from Christoph this morning for my essay topic thats due 6 weeks away and thanx to the early rise this morning and the fruitful discussion i had, i was very highly motivated to atleast complete a draft by the end of today.

so i head to the library,get to the online catalogue,look for the books that i find would be helpful with my critical analysis and head for just any vacant black machine nearby the window facing the breathtaking view of Royal Albert Dock and the City Airport just accross it.

magnificent view!great momentum!excellent references on the table.endless flow of pouring ideas and a black screened machine to assist with the research materials.you goo girl!

oh well so i thought...

this black screened machine is delusive.its dangerously dangerous!look what im doing now!after half an hour surfing the net and 15 minutes facebooking and about another 10 minutes typing this post, my references books and notes have stayed intact!!

nooo evil thing!!!look what you have done to my great momentum and my high motivation for the last oh well good one hour??!!!!

im soooo quitting you now and get backk to my books!dont believe me?ii amm quitting u now!yes!NOW!!

........

(okay i lied..im still on this black machine)

sigh!

winter wondering

2009-11-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

good bye autumn helloooo winter...

winter...hmm

here is my definition of winter.

winter = coldness (its inevitable duhh)
winter = darkness
winter = loneliness
winter = laziness
winter = sickness
winter = wetness (apekahh)
winter = emotional depression
winter = mental depression
winter = constant hunger

winter = winter without you is the longest dreadful season i could have not imagine of.winter without you is the most depriving season it drains my emotions and energy just battling with the inner voices.winter without you is the darkest and i fear losing my way without your guidance.winter without you is the loneliest and i just do not know how to deal with.

when all my life i was always talking about dreaming big and flying high,i guess this winter gives me a different definition of a 'dream'.

one evening i was walking home when i passed a couple in my way.i thought they were crazy but i knew it was just jealousy.they were taking their time walking and laughing and chatting and giggling while i was walking quickly rushing to reach home and salvage myself from the cold wind gushing me outside.yea i guess it speaks a lot about walking alone and walking with someone you are very fond of what more someone you love.their warmth makes you forgot the coldness that surrounds you.and the feeling is just so surreal.

and i snapped immediately.i dont want to do this alone.

so yeah if it means i have to give up my dreams to be with you,i guess i would.i could always find other dreams to live up to.but i guess at the moment i could put my wishlist and dreamboxes aside and work on one bigger dream.i want to just get over with my studies and be with you.even if it means i have to come home for good,i wouldnt mind.even if it means i have to live with that little amount of money that i will earn working there,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i could not travel to the europe or any other places for a weekend treat or a short break,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i have to finally face the expensive price tags for basic living back home and worrying do i even have enough money to make it to the next pay,i would endure it at all.because afterall,doing all those other things without you is no fun and i would rather be figuring how to live within restrictions with you than living a free life alone.

so i guess winter really brings out the soft spot in me.and makes me realize that dreams are not just about myself but could also be shared with someone else.and that makes the dreams more meaningful than you could ever thought it will.

thank you winter for making me think.

*taking a deep breath*

am currently looking outside the window into the dark.sigh.its only 6pm but it already felt like its 11pm or so.guess i just have to go through this with extra strength and super extra discipline(otherwise all i do is sleep and i could never get my work done!).

oh well.do i even have a choice?looks like i just have to endure this loooong lonely winter.sigh

contemplating but i guess i have to

2009-11-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

drama!more drama in life!hehe
oh well.its just that i dont think i can cope.n now im posting in the office waiting for my boss to come.n yeah am going to tell him what i feel.
i cant cope.
its not the workload.its the travelling and rushing to get to places on time.i practically dont have free time as im always either in classes, at school, in the library or in the office working.and i dont get the privilege to enjoy my weekend as i have to compensate the hours i spent in the office on the weekdays.can you imagine how tired i am.sigh.
so yeah i dont normally give up but i guess studying is the main reason why i am here.

noooo curve!

2009-11-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

hello huhu...i guess im wrong there:i cant post blogs using my new blackberry.grrr...ive been typing on it to update this blog more regularly but i couldnt seem to find the 'publish post' button.ahh well.looks like i just have to work around the traditional way of postings and no, i wont be updating regularly as how i wished.

*still in italy.oh btw do u guys know we could use our mobile on the plane?how cool is that!*

facebook status vs blog

2009-11-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

i have so many things going on and sometimes i just find it hard to cope with it.oh well,most of the times.i thought being here at the very first place could help me adapt to the changes and supposedly i should be able to pick up with studies and the many things going on around me.hmm the initial plan that was.but reality is,though it does help at points,i still am struggling to juggle work and study at the same time.and now that im given even bigger responsibilities in the office,i am really really exhausting all the energies i have to balance my studies and work.as if i dont have enough of this demanding course,i still have to deal with stress at work trying to achieve targets.and i guess it makes sense if im all knackered by the time i reach home.and ouh this time saving makes it even worst now that the sun set is at 4pm which makes me mentally deprived as well.at times i did cry and at all time i hope jeff is around to spoil me with his delicious comfy food he cooks or simply just chill around and cheer me up.
being an emotion-driven girl,these things happening around me a lot of the times invites my mood swings.thank goodness that i dont have that many people around me,i havent really hurt anyone.but thing is sometimes i feel like wanting to let people know that im not well.and so i sought to facebook status to tell people how i feel.but hmm 90% of the time typing them out,i never really post it.i happen to have this thought,ouhh i dont want to be flooding other people's feeds with all sorts of my emotional break down status every 5 minutes.
though i think its better to keep it to myself,i still want to publish what i feel every so often!so yeah,now that i have my new blackberry curve,i will update what ever that i feel on my blog instead.because my blog is my space so hell yeah im going to flood it with my unspoken words-thanks to not having anyone to speak to(mind you my life now is all about work n studies.chill out?naah i'de rather be working on my studio work.durhh)
so yeah once again thanx to my jefriman for forcing me to buy a blackberry,i now can update my blog anywhere anytime!

Allotment 51B

2009-11-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

i was sleeping when i read the text from Donal last night.it was sent at 10:08pm and i was already slumped on the couch snoring my way through the night.

Final cost of greenhouse = gbp537.15, cost of manual labour =gbp0, countless days of agony in the rain =priceless!

yerp i only noticed the text this morning when i was setting off my alarm. i had a good laugh at it. yeah agony.tell me about it!

hello people!i havent been writing much have i?hehe pardon me for not finding time to update.oh well it doesnt really matter i guess because i officially dedicated this blog to some close friends who'd been bugging me to update how ive been doing.and yeah especially to you!so ive not really upset anyone right.

okay cool.

now,now that i have been back to school,i guess i have more interesting stuff to write.hmm let me think yeah oh yeah.i have got words pouring out of my head now my fingers couldnt cope with its pace.i probably need to improve on my typing speed because to be honest i think im pretty slow at typing,oh well compared to the speed jeff is typing.sometimes when i look at him typing emails or comments or his reports,i was always amazed at how fast he types and i kinda gave him that stare of a superhero.you know,the kind of look that you are staring up above at a superhero saving the world from the bad people,fighting the dinosaurs and dragons,and you have that sparkling eyes admiring and secretly whispering 'oh save me superhero!i love you!'.hahah i guess i had too much tv when i was small but hey,after all,jeff is my own version of superhero.forget batman and superman.ive got jefriman! how cool is that!

see i talks craps most of the times.back to the topic,or rather the text.for the past few weeks i had been some sort of cheap labor on the site working on constructing a greenhouse that my group had designed.the project was just amazing i think we combined few elements into our design and actually got it built!the site is an allotment site at N17 and we were supposed to build a greenhouse to a certain requirement within the budget of gbp300.but as always,being architecture students who always want to impress others,our group had designed a greenhouse that has got a shed attached to it and an incredible rammed earth wall!(imagine there is actually other group working on experimental rammed earth wall but we have already integrated it into our design and built it within the same time frame as the other one.arent we amazing!lol)

so yeah put the three big elements together and aint it obvious from the text that we blew the budget by almost 100%.n we didnt finish it on time.infact,it was dragged for almost a month until it was finally completed last sunday.no,before you start judging us as being lazybums,let me tell you how hard we had worked on it.

we have only got one week before we have to present our work.the group is made up from 8people and was split up into two i)do the timber work in the workshop at school ii)build the rammed earth wall!!and hooray the weather had been harsh on us that we had a wet week to work with.so yeah it makes sense when we were unable to finish on time because mind you,building rammed earth wall in the rain was not an easy task!and because the timbers were too long,the guys were not allowed to use the workshop and had to work in the rain,sawing the timbers manually.pity us?better do!

and yeah we were due to finish by friday which was not the case obviously.the coming weeks we couldnt come on the weekdays because the classes and unit works had kicked off leaving us no free time to be wasted on the site.and so it was dragged to the weekends and hmm let me see,for the past 4weekends,i dragged my feet out of the bed to the thought of going to the site and having to be cheap labour working in the cold.blerrrgghhhhh~

anyhow,we had fun.i had fun.haha no seriously,i had fun!perhaps i should share the fun i had with you so you could also see what the hell was i trying to say up there.jeff,this particular blog is especially dedicated to you.now dont nag at me saying i dont make friends with people.(i love u still :P)

Donal and i were assigned to find materials for the greenhouse and so we hop from one reclaim yard to another for the price comparison.

Donal checking out the timber we need for the post.these posts were priced at gbp19.hell expensive it was!!

timbers at reclaim yard.they were selling each piece of these at 50p!isnt it obvious we would go for this one instead? :P
our site.well i dont really have the site picture but these guys were having discussion on the site.
ok this is the grave we dug to bury ourselves in case the project didnt go right.haha!andy vee and hee (and me) were digging the soils to be used as rammed earth wall.
the framework for our rammed earth wall.
we had to put up a tent from the dpm avoiding the wall to be wet.rain oh rainn
i had a go at this but it was waaaay harder than how it looks.toby and hee ramming the earth in the framework.now u see the idea of our rammed earth wall?
yeay we've got one nice sunny day and the wall was halfway up!
yerp.im a girl but that was no excuse from the hard labor!after digging the earth out and mixing to a certain consistency(macam nak buat kek laa), we had to scoop it up into the framework for the guys to do the ramming.
the wall is done.time for framework!
thats right!we worked till late night and even in the dark!

and i havent got the rest of the pictures because i simply had forgotten to snap anymore.but anyhoo,this is how it had turned out to be!

tadaaaaa
our shed+rammed earth wall+greenhouse.it sure was a lot of effort putting these things together.look at those claddings!vee and i had to saw it out from pallettes manually!crazy work but yeah we had equal fun too!(sorry the group photo was with andy otherwise i would post it here as well ;)

i am glaaaaaaddd that i dont have to drag my feet to the site this weekend.in fact,ide be happy to because we are having bonfire night at the site to celebrate our completion!yippie!good job guys!

ps/i was working hard too!i wasnt in the pictures wasnt because i tuang kerja but because i was the one who snapped the pictures.makes sense? :P

mine, but his

2009-10-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

when most of the times we thought we have the freedom to explore life, we often forgot that we are not on our own and we can never be on our own.
21 is just a number. it sets a time-limit, a key to the anticipated 'freedom' from teen life, a life controlled by an authoritative figure in the house; the parents. and thus many of those out there start running their life on their own terms and measures and at ease to the knowledge of not having to abide to the parents' own set of rule. this is more common in the west as observed because from what i can see and personally experienced, the eastern world is more family bounded and thence unless ure married(for girls) or still live under your parents' roof, you will still need to play the game within the limitation set in the house, regardless how old you are.
i used to think i was old enough to live on my own. and to make my own decisions. and to make my own mistakes. that is then i could learn from it and grasp as much values there are from the immediate result of my blunders. after all, a lesson is best learnt through experience as some had said.
and thence i started my own journey in finding my adventure in life. i mysteriously swim into the dark to unveil the lights underneath them all in hope of new discoveries.some excites me, some upsets me and most of the time i am indifferent due to the rapid changes that i most of the times find it hard to digest and cope with.
family is the best part. and one day if i will be blessed with my own kids, i will want them to undergo what i went thru with all the support n love from my family. my mother once reminded me, you can do what ever you want and discover all the potentials in life but just remember whatever you do, dont drag your dad into hellfire.
i clearly understood her. this life is mine, not hers. but whatever is mine is automatically my dad's. and untill the day i will be handed to a man called husband, my dad will be the one to bear my sins.
sometimes i think that life is not fair. i want to experiment with all sorts of things around me. i want to explore into spaces of probabilities and try to do the impossibles. i have so much things going on in my mind and the phrase we are only young once keeps on recurring in my head. i have lots of the i want to and i would love to in my list but how could i do that if whatever my action today will cause miseries to my dad later.
oh well i guess im not all that brave and mysterious after all. 21 is just a literary key to freedom. well practiced even in my family but truth is, there is no such freedom. i am a daughter. put a daughter in front of her dad, and she'll behave. put her behind the dad and she'll start to misbehave.and put her where she cant be seen, how badly can she be?
i fall into the same typical scenario. but one thing that keeps me on the ground, i dont want to be unfair to dad. sometimes being away widens your perspective. in my case, makes me wiser in my judgements. living where temptations are irresistable and the only barrier between you and it is yourself, keeping a deep thought of your parents especially your dad helps you stay on the guided path. moms got all the credits of us children doing so well where often, dads were forgotten. why dont us daughters start to remind ourself about how lucky we are to have a manly figure in our life as a hero. he who could and would do anything for us. and us daughters, lets start to not just picture ourself in our judgements. for dads are the ones who will be paying the circumstances.
21 is just a symbolic number. nonetheless, we daughters are forever bounded to dads' rules. because the lives that we live are not just ours, but also their's
this life i live is not just mine, its also his.

[untitled]

2009-08-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

and i see myself walking the streets of london.my journey had been a long one.and yet i still think i have not had enough of it.i could have gone back to my place but ive decided to wait.theyve gone out to ikea to buy new stuff for their new pad.it was a full round of one hour wait but its okay.bless them for providing me a roof over my head.and providing me with some companion and shelter me from horrendous emotional breakdown.yes,they were my emotional supplement.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...

life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.

we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.

hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.

izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.

endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....

im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.

i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!

living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.

i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.

terrrr

2009-08-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

kamu sungguh terencat.bila kamu rasa terencat kamu megecat.apakah kamu ingat apabila kamu mengecat kamu bole terlepas dari segala cercatan?kadang kadang kerencatan minda boleh membuatankan kamu dilumur cat.maka si tukang cat.silalah campurkan cat cat yang ada agar warna dinding dinding ini cantik belaka ;)

i was so nervous

2009-07-21T05:50:00.000-07:00

i did. i was so nervous i felt like passing out. i was soo nervous my stomach could not take the roti bakar mamak i ordered for my breakfast. in fact i was so nervous i felt like throwing out!

urghh..okay enough with the drama.

today i went to attend an interview at Veritas for a short attachment / internship / training or whatever other terms you want to call it.i just thought well since im going back to school this september i better get myself grounded in architecture again.umm that doesnt sound right.i was mean to say that well,since ive been away from architecture itself for about a year now,the smart thing to do before getting back to school empty headed is to get a feel of it again and hopefully by these short attachments,i could grasp the essence or mood or the 'feel' that will prepare me for the coming 2 strainfull year.ouch i could feel it on my bone now. :s

the interview went well without any hiccups in which i was so grateful for.Alhamdulillah.and to make things short,ive nailed it.at first i thought it will be almost impossible for any company to accept me for the extremely short period of time what more to be welcomed by a high profiled company like them but i guess they are generous enough to offer me a placement with a belief that i can learn quite a lot while im with them provided that i myself am willing to put an extra effort to prove them that its worthwhile hiring me than those many other pending applicants.

and i know when i said 'im up for the challenge,' i made a big promise not only to them but also to myself to prove them what a Raudhah is worth.

huhuhuwaaa ayat berkobar kobar!!!!

oh well......

meantime,im still having kecut perut n all other nervous syndroms i had this morning.yes the interview was over successfully and yes im starting next week after im done with btn but no,these syndroms arent leaving.infact they got worst and started to give me high blood pressure.arghhhhh

errr please pray that i'll make it through this intensive 6 weeks insyaAllah.ameen

:S

home

2009-07-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

2.37 am

and i cant sleep.oh well ive been sleeping the whole day it seems like its impossible to sleep now.the thought of being able to ride again excites me a lot.but thing is baba has got his bowling tournament tomorrow and i dont feel like going down to the stable on my own.i had a look at my equipments and they are still doing good.my breeches are still in a good condition but i couldnt find my glove anywhere.oh yeah i need to find myself a good chap soon.haha i know i know its not that im really good at it.but i have all the interest in equestrian and i find it a very fullfilling sport.

naah.put that aside.i wont make it for tomorrow being awake as late as now.and ema quits trotting.she finds it boring.blerhh whatever.

oh im sneezing again.i havent got this sinus problem since the past 12 months but here i am sneezing like all it matters.mama put me downstairs in the guest room to 'quarantine' me in fear of H1N1.i laughed but it is actually a good idea.atleast i got to sleep in the air cond.well its not that im being fussy here but hmm the heat is really getting on my nerve.and think of hot+humid.not good.i felt sticky and sweaty all day.yesterday i had shower after midnight because i felt sticky and sweaty.oh well it was a quick shower and so to extend the time i spend in the bathroom,i washed it from walls to the floor and from the mirrors to the wc.i spent hours in the bathroom early in the morning and as soon as i stepped out from the bathroom i saw the air cond.and i cursed myself.why did i have to go through all those scrubbing and polishing in the bathroom just to create an excuse to play with the water when i could just switch on the air cond and lie down comfortably without having my nails broken.hmm.but then i thought.oh well at least i know the bathroom is cleaned.happy thoughts =)

mila came yesterday and we had a loooooong talk.haha i know its just a talk but one thing you dont know is that its different talking to mila.she read me well and i love it.and i stupidly humiliate myself (as always) because i wore the same pattern shawl that i bought for her from Tie Rack.konon2 presentation dah cantik i gave it to her in a beautiful white Tie Rack box but then i remembered shoot i am wearing the same shawl.cepat2 bukak tudung n pretended like nothing happen but it couldnt be concealed anymore because it was so obvious.haha.oh well atleast you know that im still the clumsy adah u knew before =P

and oh i had dinner with kak aza n abg alfi before that.they are as happily married and i pray for their tiny tot to come soon.soooooonnnnnn.hehe.

aint it good to be home. =)

this journey

2009-07-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

im dreading...

knowing the fact that i'll return here and things wouldnt be the same,im dreading my journey tomorrow..i want to stay here for as long as it can be for the way things are now...

*sobs*

silent

uhhh its actually me..and its raining on my cheek...:(

lihat di kanan --->

2009-07-13T12:38:00.001-07:00

hehe

cuba lihat di kanan..yeayy ive put the toll hit counter sebab ive started publishing my blog link kat facebook!haha perak..i know i know lambat gleee ade blog baru nak letak..but heyy im opening up remember? :D :D

write summore soon..meantime got packing to do..

the clock is ticking fast

2009-07-09T02:49:00.000-07:00

expressing my thought and writing a day to day feed are two different things.hmmm.

ookay i get it.

i know i should write more interesting feeds rather than just the unspoken words in my head.but heyy im trying to open up here okayy.

i'll keep trying and i think i really should soon.i guess the thought of being in such the distance scares me.a lot.we're going to be far apart so im going to write the updates more regularly so you will know what is happening.hopefully we'll have a good time while we're still here.

tic tic tic tic tic........

jam tolong cepat sikit jalan boleh tak?adah nak gi dating petang nanti.. ^-^

hell you are

2009-06-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

.......................

$~####$&ankj#%!!!xn##&^%$£^Y$ @!!!!!!!!!!

pfft~!!

lepaskanlah

2009-06-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

no offence.no nothing.

i just thought this relates to many many many girls out there

enjoy :)

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away.....

Was the day i found

It, won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't ooooooooooooh

I hope you can hear me

Cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away...

Was the day i found

It, won't be the same

I've had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why.

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake it

It happened you passed by

Now you're gone

There you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now you're gone

There you go

Somewhere you're not coming back

*long silence*

im just plain liking it..

one step at a time seems like the right thing to do...

aint it so? :)

h a p p y . . . :)

2009-05-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

happy. and that sums it all.

oh well for the past few days ive been blessed. mama baba are here with me and yes, opah too!
theyve arrived last friday early in the morning and bless my boss for letting me work fro home, i get to spend some times with them at home. and that very day they arrived, they pushed off to cardiff and straight to newport and ever cince, they've been on the wheels until today. its very tiring i have to admit but they seem to have all the excitements sparking the energy to keep on going. and yes, today they went up north-east to Norwich for a day trip.

i'll write more of our journey but till then,im just so happy they're here i think writing is a waste of time.i'de rather sit around and giggle with pah or chat with mama baba.

lovessss :) <3

smile :)

2009-05-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

good good!

and we all smiled. oh well i did not at first. i was stunned staring at the screen. jeff was saying i flunk but i was seeing otherwise. i lost my word. i was happy. i wanted to scream and shout and jump around in excitement. i had all those energy inside but i guess i was more upset with the stupid joke jef threw me in.

Alhamdulillah :)

oh well i still have a long way to go. after a not-so-good interview session i had with UCL that really pulled me down, this news did its magic and cheered me up!

Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah....

I cant get enough of praising You Lord for your generousity..

Mama on the other end sounded happy.oh well.it is a happy news and she can feel now that half of the future financial burden is off her shoulder now.and oh,baba's too..:)

Alhamdulillah.

now all i need to do is wait for the reply from Bartlett.oh if only you know how im dying to be granted the placement from them.oh if only they know how i would put my 200% efforts if im accepted into their units.and ohhh if only they know how i will make a very diligent student in their department.and oh if only the whole world know how much it would mean to me.

i know i have no other sources to ask from.Lord, i humbly plea your kindness to bless me with this great placement.please Lord, help me through this long journey i am about to embark on.and please make the path easy for me.Ameen :)

plays, please go away

2009-05-18T04:56:00.000-07:00

over the past few days i had been having the scene played over and over again in my head. it was simply, informal. at first i thought ive nailed it but it didntt went as smooth and i deviated!!

the thought of it was soo frustrating. i wish i would have just scrapped the term and presented my hope in the simplest language one could ever understand. jargon, leave please! i dont need different terms. at least simple words convey what i meant. i should have i should have i should have!!!

oh loose it..that was so frustrating..humps, do you have to keep coming in front of my ways?

i need a smooth ride, not a bumpy one.......:(

budak darjah lima, jangan buat lawak bodoh lagi dah ye..sungguh bengang tahu tak?

SiMone

2009-05-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

i love because:

jeff loves me :)

h o p e . . . ?

2009-05-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

excitement strikes. am currently filled with joy and anxiousness. suddenly the sky is bluer than it seems. and the weather is prettier than it should be. the trees are dancing to the winds. the sun is shining brightly and the wind is whispering faintly through my ears. summer breeze is on his way.

i stood up straight arms wide open face up to the sun. i am just happy and the universe seems to be sharing it with me.i am smiling and i cant stop.

in my eyelids i see little children flying kites in the sky, running around chasing each other chattering gleefully. i felt as if im part of them. i wanted to join them, badly i do. i waived and i waived till i get noticed. we didnt speak but we ggigled our way. i am them! i am the children in the lids! they are the happy thoughts i have thats been playing around in my head. they are my inner strength ready to strike focused and they are the postive energy that echoes in my ears.

but joy, please dont go overboard!

and ive got a sudden urge. i wanted to jump but my feet got stuck on the ground. i wanted to run but my legs are too heavy to move. i wanted to shout but my throat seems to dry out and im left with all these excitement without any chances of expressing it to the world.

i sat straight and still. my stomach is swirling. butterflies are flapping inside.. oh no i felt a sudden sickness and im all sweating now. children, where are you? where have you all been to? please dont leave me alone. please help me overcome this sickness. for a moment i lied down helplessly. no more green grass. no more kites. no more summer breeze. no nothing. only me and the blazing hot sands.

why do i have to be here?why do i even have to be here?

the battle is within me. listen to the dark and i'll faint. hold on to the light and i'll rise. i definitely will! 'hope, dont leave me in the dark..' 'please, carry me through to the lights..' i begged and i begged. i dont want to face all these alone.

all these little plays that i have, they are me! and they resemble me.

flush these darkness away. i cant afford to lose my strength. at least not for now nor never. i want to hear the gleeful voices in my head, forever. am going to wash my head and my hair. and am going to wrap them with optimism. im rising up again. higher than before.

Dear Allah, please help me through. hamba-Mu ini amatlah lemah menghadapi dunia-Mu. murahkanlah rezeki ku dan permudahkan lah urusan ku..ameen..

when my mind whispers...

2009-05-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, 9.00am

Am in the bus. The journey had been a very slow one. Never mind that. Ive slept my whole way through. I can feel that my contact lenses gets a bit dry. Probably because Ive been sleeping my whole way through. My vision is blurred. I took my cell out and glanced at the time. Shit im soo late! And Im still 10 minutes away. Hmm its okay I bet Handel is stil on his way. I sat relaxed. But this triggers me. Am I ignorant?

Tuesday, 9.15am

I got off the bus. My tummy is growling. Yes I kept a beast inside. I walked by Tesco. I wanted to go in to grab a bite. Went to the automated door but the time struck. I am just late and still thought of getting a bite. Am I ignorant? Walked straight to the office.

Tuesday, 9.20am

Got into the avenue. Saw Nathan's open today. Thought of checking if Handel dropped by before. Nope he must have waited for me. Changed my mind and went straight into the building. Am I ignorant?

Tuesday, 9.25am

As I should have thought, Handel was there waiting in the corridor. Prince came early to clean the office. They are never late. Greeted Handel but forgotten to do just the same to Prince. He still is a being just like anyone else. Am I ignorant? Turned around to greet but circumstances says too late. Just smiled. I dont want to be ignorant. Nor arrogant.

Tuesday, 9.35am

Looked at the task for today. Few bookings. Should I call the Landlord now or later? Navigated away and into my email. Am I ignorant? Went straight for the telephone and dialled the number. The enthusiastic voice on the other end was happy to get a confirmation call from me. Dont! Dont be such an ignorant person.

Tuesday, 10.40am

Tummy is growling. Went down to Tesco. Walked down the bakery isle and felt like buying all of the freshly baked items. Nafsu! Took quite a few but remembered still have some croissants in my drawer. But its left over few days now. Am I ignorant? Others are suffering from malnutrition and Im wasting? Put back the excessive buns. Thrifty is the new me!

Tuesday, 10.48am

Paid my croissant and heading for the exit. Saw a woman with a shopping bag. Woman put a few wine bottles into the bag. Woman looks suspicious. Woman stared at me with flicking eyes. I could have shouted for security but I only looked. Woman escaped the door. I was left stunned. Woman did not run, only walked. Security could have caught her if I shouted. But I did not. Ive only walked away as if nothing happened in front of my eyes. Am I ignorant?

Been asking myself this question all morning but the incident proved me. I guess I am. Well I dont want to!

Wake me up. I dont want to be ignorant!

never too far

2009-04-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

yes technology!thanks for the many great cool gadgets and the sophisticated systems that support the programs available today, our loved ones will never be too far too apart anymore.

mama is one call away. baba is one skype away. milla is one text away. izzat is one ym away. mun is one facebook away and the list goes on and on to hundreds and thousands of them out there.

looking at my cell. silence.

praying in my heart. 'please please please.please ring'

one long silence again. fingers crossed. ahah this tense? dramatic sungguh!

'please?'

tut tut.

no its not ringing. its my message alert.

hmm text?

okay i guess text is good enough.

'i dah touch down girona'

and i smiled. yeayy terbaik lah Lebara! *big grin*

so it is true. u can be in oxford, or london or kl or even barcelona, but ure never too far away.

i like the idea. never too far :)

stolen

2009-04-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

im a sleepy head.and i dread waking up in the morning. especially when i only had few hours sleep in the night. especially when its cold in the morning and im all curled up under the duvet when suddenly the alarm did its magic - buzz my head baby! arghhhh i came to the point that i get sooo immuned with the tone, i'll just keep on sleeping as if im tone deaf and the annoying alarm isnt next to my ears.

though this is not always the case. sometimes, i have another alarm buzzing my ears early in the morning with a song that got stuck in my head and makes me want to sing along with it. sometimes it will go on snooze mode for about 4 or 5 times before i actually wake up - not merely opening my eyes but sitting up in my bed gazing out the window. heehoo thats an achievement okay.

anyhoo, i love the song. and for the deep meaning of it, i'de like to wake up every morning to the sound of that song as it always brings a smile on my face :)

We watch the season
Pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

help me. somebody stole my heart!

the stove and me

2009-04-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

so i am a good cook. and i have my own fan club. oh well i know im exaggerating but to be honest, i do have my own fans for my different dishes. just to list them down here, i think it will take me ages. hahahh exaggerating again.

hmm okayy. here goes the list that i could remember.

my first biggest fan: Hafidz! he just loves all of my dishes, anything that i cook to be exact be it telur mata kerbau or telur dadar. and just because the cook is me, it somehow tastes like telur bistik. exagaration yang melampau kan?
'you know why it is so delicious?because it is cooked with love,' so he said.
but i appreciate that. it makes me want to cook more. good psychology play huh. anyhoo, his favourite dish was ayam masak kicap. i dont know whats so special about my ayam masak kicap. logically its just fried chicken dipped in pre-cooked kicap sauce and thats all it, ready for the tummy. but he seems to love it very much and i just dont know why. ohhkaayy Hafidz, you love my dish and i love you much. *hugs*

okay fan number two; Izzat. this boy, uhmm, guy, he practically eats whatever there is on the table. but he's sleek! he's got his own unique ways to get my butt off the couch into the kitchen digging in the freezer looking for what to cook.he has his own ayat pancing and it worked on me every single time he asked me to. and when im done with the dishes only i normally realize that ive been tricked. but i love him anyways. he melts my heart by saying
'izzat teringin la nak makan ape ayam yang adah masak aritu tu.sedap laa..' or....
'bole tak adah ajar camne nak masak lauk yang adah buat aritu..'.
u one sweet thing! but dont get him wrong when he said that. he really went into the kitchen with me to help me around, oh well if not, kept me accompanied. but he has his one particular dish that he likes very much that is... i dont know what its called but it is actually ayam that i cook with chilli and some daun limau purut towards the end. he likes it very much and always, he found his way to get me start banging the pots on the stove. sweet talking your own sister huh! lovesss!!!

fan number 3: baba. he especially likes it when i cook mee bandung. he likes it to the point that he'll help me preparing the dish in the kitchen. though there isnt much to do anyways because the mee bandung that i normally cook was actually ehmmm...cooked out of perencah mee bandung adami. hehe i know mengelat. but baba likes it very much and though there isnt much to do he's really keen to help around ie potong sayur sawi. but again its the same case, he will eat what ever it is thats been served on the table without complaining.
( actually there are as such; 'ni sayur ni potong besar2 macam kat kedai tercekik baba makan...' )
but nevertheless, i have always enjoyed cooking for him very much as the idea of having dinner together with mama and baba ( and sometimes other members of the family ) is what binds my heart home. oh well u might not understand this but i would really love us to have dinner together every day though sadly, this is not the case. i love baba very much. hugs n kisses and im sure im going to hurt my face kissing his cheek because of his spiky beard. hehe. superlove!!!

fan number four : milla!this woman, i love to the bits! she rocks my world but never my stomach. ahah. her specialties is mee maggi and never anything else. love love though *wink*. anyhoo, she loves my lasagne very much so, she came to my house just to learn how to bake one so she could make a special surprise birthday dish for her boyfriend then, her husband now :) . ive never seen her so anticipated with cook works but i could tell that she really did liked it very much. or at least pretended to like it so i would teach her how to make one. hehe. i like reminiscing what i had with her but all in all, living the moment to the fullest is the best thing to do just as so i could create more beautiful things to reminisce in the future. okay a bit way out of the topic but i get a bit emotional here to the thought that she's married and not mine anymore to fool around with. this woman, everlastinglove!!!

and allright, not to mention i have lots of you out there that fancied my muffin. i was known as raudhah muffin back in college. and those squeeky voice i used to have. ahah thats another chapter. i sometimes bake muffins for different purposes and i could tell the differences in their taste. if it is for fun, it normally tasted good like how it should. if i ddnt intend to bake one but i had to anyways, there will always be something wrong with it either its too dry or it get burnt in the oven. aaand if i bake them for those that i cared about, they tasted their best and as if they knew they were going to be presented to some special ones, they get themselves some nice brown tanned colour in the oven and set as perfectly as it should be with sometimes, exposing their blueberry fills pouring out from the top with those excellent smell. these are what i called superlicious muffins as they knew how to present themselves. hails and loves to the muffins. mwah mwah!

and yeah another dish that im really good at. assam pedas! to be honest, i love assam pedas so much so that i learnt how to cook it since i was in standard 5! tokmak's assam pedas was the best that i had ever tasted and i remembered requesting the dish prior making our way back to muar so that i could dig in as soon as we reached her home and kissed her hand. yeah. just ignore whoever that gets in the way. this specially emptied stomach was already craving for the delicious red coloured assam pedas served hot from the pot. *air liur tengah meleleh*
so yeah, ive been trying my hands on assam pedas dish since i was 11 that i get soo gooood at it. no kidding! its the most kacang dish i could cook now. i remembered whenever mama wants to hold any makan2 at home, my task was always to cook assam pedas. and i get loaaaadddssss of compliments even from orang melaka and johor! kembang hidung tak hengatt. so yeah, i couldnt really keep trail of how many assam pedas fan i have there but one thing im sure, i have the biggest fan here with me in London. :D :D

so yeah, who says anak dara zaman millenium tak pandai masak? (errr okayy mayyyybe hana is a special case.hehe peace! :P )
urghh.... my stomach is growling. yes, i kept a beast in my stomach and it gets hungry every so often! i should probably get going and dig in the fridge for anything to feed this monster in me.

till then~

c u

2009-03-04T05:58:00.001-08:00

suddenly i have this adrenaline rush to write.haha i dont know.i have so many things to write but here i am trying to figure out how to translate my thoughts into some structured sentence.

firstly, i dont even know why i started this account.but actually i do know!because ive been pested by someone to write knowingly.so yeah i thought,why not.it wont do me any harm.

i guess there arent really many out there that frequented my page.i dont really tell i write.poor publicity.ahah.but dont worry your eyes are not to be blamed.i dont really write stuff interesting enough for your eyes supplement.i practically write my diary here!ahah thats a thought.but hey if you want to read interesting feeds,do check out milla's blog.i admire her blog so much ive been stalking it since years before without her knowing.ngeh ngeh. --> http://millots.blogspot.com

i cant think of anymore to write though my thoughts are pouring endlessly.guess i'll just keep it to myself ;)

so yeah,i'll write again when i do.see you when i see you.roger n out!

untangle me

2009-03-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

my hair is falling on my forehead in an odd way.nope.i dont look good with bangs.i have always wanted to have those nice killer bangs with shoulder length straight hair that resembles some of my idols when i was small.think reese witherspoon.she can really pull that off!thumbs up!!

mila's voice was so calm.she was, is, counting the days to the big day.i am indeed counting my days to her big day too.and along the way we both got so emotional that we sometimes broke down into tears.and she was preparing things and thinking of what i would and would not like.and here i am thinking of what has been done and could i possibly contribute to her getting things done.

alas,emotion is a big issue to handle.there was a day when i was so shocked to be receiving a phone call from her, crying like everything.i panicked.i thought something bad might have happenned but she wasnt saying much on the phone,only few words mumbling the 'i miss u so much' words.turned out that she had just got out from the cinema watching Bride Wars and it reminded her so much of me.

i couldnt get her.i thought it was supposed to be a romantic comedy,my kind of movie.and so i set a date with idora for a Bride War show and there i was in the hall,crying like everything too.but mila has bebe to calm her down.i have?...yes idora,i have you.thank you.very much indeed.and through all the other times,ide like to thank you for supporting me emotionally.yes,you know who you are :)

but im all mixed up.

'i miss u lots...
where haf u been?'

i thought i know these words.i thought im very much familiar with this style.i thought i know who wrote them.these words used to be frequenting my inbox.but i couldnt figure it out.it couldnt be who i thought it should be.im very much tangled.

just about the time i thought i should move on,this come knocking my door.perfect timing huh?!

i tied up my hair.and i pull a handfull of them to the back of my head.no hair!dont fall on my forehead.its too small for bangs.

but hey,i miss you.thank you for hearing me out.i actually thought it was so sweet of you to get emotional about yesterday.i was moody too if you havent noticed!thank you for your patience.thank you for your care.thank you for everything. :)

so a bunch of them fall on my forehead,again.yeah so what if i bunned the other lots at the back.there still are strands that went their way.i guess a few wouldnt hurt.i cant always get what i want,can i?

so hey,please!untangle me ;)

catch and release

2009-02-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

it speaks on its own.

i guess being lethargic doesnt give me the excuse to escape life.at least thats not what ive been getting on my phone everyday

i just want to say thank you.
i know im bad with words and confrontation but i just want to say thank you.
i didnt know how to react or respond to each of your moves and gestures.
im a bit lost there.

jennifer garner,that was the sweetest speech ever.
i ought to be happy dont i?

forever?

2009-01-18T04:22:00.000-08:00

i guess writing is one of the easiest means to get my thought through.i am really really bad at confronting i suppose.

i have nothing exciting to write about.its been dull and it has always been dull.reminiscing wont help at this point and i very much hope i could erase some parts of my memory.

and my biggest problem is that i tend to dwell into it.and it takes me forever to buck up again.

forever.

when will this forever leave me alone?

wan chik

2009-01-16T02:34:00.000-08:00

i have always envied this lady.she's had a good structured life ever since she was a small girl.

Wan Chik.she's my aunt.my mother's youngest sister.and oh my,they actually share the same birth date.07 October.when we were small and arwah Atok was still alive,October was the month the whole family was looking forward to.we will normally gather at Kelab Golf Negara Subang and had the birthdays celebrations.yes,birthdays.mama's family consist of 4 siblings and bravo to the good planning(or a mere coincidence),October had been the lucky month where they were all delivered to say hello world,good bye womb.yes.mama,Ayah Nyah,Wan Yang and last but not least,Wan Chik.

i guess being the last,she had always been the golden girl.she had been growing up to see her elder sisters and brothers excel in their academics.and she had been the top student all her life.i think i could remember she was awarded with an honorary grant by UM and the whole ceremony was held to congratulate her for her achievements.and she went flying with good results and graduated with flying colours and came back to Malaysia being awarded with a Renault by arwah Atok.i very much adored her then.in the early 90's that is,my dad was only driving a yellow mazda with fury dashboard if i could remember it right and there she was driving a stylish silver renault with all the modern features(as i could remember because i was comparing it to my dad's oldschool mazda).

and of course,what else to do after one have finished her studies; ->hit the altar!she was married to a handsome uncle called Ayah Chik in a matrimonial that i remember my whole life because i was the flower girl and had got the priviledge to be on the Pelamin the whole evening in a beautiful white dress holding Wan Chik's gigantic bouquet of pink roses.and as i like to conclude it in the fairy tales,they lived happily ever after. :)

and she is now in Doha blessed with 4 children and a happy home.

i have got her sms days before and when i got the text from her using a UK number,i gave her a call,almost immediately.and as i heard her voice at the end of the receiver,i was a bit stunned.she sounded like mama.and i have missed mama very much.

and so i spent my 3days with her.we called Syukri on the bus but he's in Warwick and busy attending classes that he couldnt come over to meet Wan Chik.pity him for that because we had a great time together.we bought a postcard to send to Opah and she was browsing through one of the cards that i have picked.'the only difference in London since i was here years ago was this London Eye'.hehe i suppose.

we walked the streets of London and she knew better!she had a better navigation instinct than i do(well,isnt that apparent since i get lost easily) and i suppose she was the one who became the tour guide.haha big laugh for me.

and yeah i got the priviledge to stay over at the hotel she's staying in.it was hmmm okay la.i expected hotels at Park Lane to be woww or aaauuwww but it was fairly okay laa.it was just as similar as the many Pan Pac that i have stayed in and nothing to be compared to Mandarin Oriental or Maya Hotel.hmm cant really blame the building's age because as we all know how old Maya hotel is but how delicate the interior is.5 stars for that!but i couldnt deny the fact that the bed is sooo comfy i would pass on breakfast.

and the time she's going back to Doha,i packed my stuff and tercampaklah keluar dari hotel tersebut.isk.kan ke sedih tu.

but all in all it was a surprise visit for me and i was very much thrilled.thank you for coming.silalah datang lagi! :)

ntahlah

2009-01-10T15:42:00.000-08:00

i have to admit that i tend to relate myself with songs that i listen to.it kinda goes with the mood.and in a funny way,it heals my soul.and it makes my mind wander into spaces of probabilities and how things should go.

and am currently listening a lot to samsons.
hmmm.

this is too much,raudhah!

*silence*

ntahlah.

60kilogram

2009-01-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOUR YEARS IN A ROW

NAK MAKAN BANYAK BANYAK KASI BADAN NAIK SIKIT

2006

2007

2008

2009

can you see the differences?yes im expanding year by year :P
its been three years now that i have the same resolution and i think im continuing the same resolution for the fourth year in a row.but this time it's going to be more specific.im going to hit 60 on the scale.

omg thats how skinny i was!

go adah!!

1st January

2009-01-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

31st December 2008

it was freezing cold out there.but hey its new year eve.it seems like everyone has plan for their new year eve.idura was busy on the phone setting up her plans with her friends.ima was getting ready to go out and see the fireworks.she'd waited the whole day for the night.i guess chris and beth are having friends over because i could hear some noise from below.julia and nicholas?ahah our beloved grandma and grandpa would be staying home i guess.its just not their time anymore :P

me?im lazying around i guess.ever since ive moved,i dont feel like going out a lot.in fact,i dont feel like doing anything at all.i just want to stay home in my bedrom lying on the bed lazying around pampering myself with all sorts of cream and scrubbing my feet,doing the nails blah blahh and the list goes on.there are just so many things to do in my room now i couldnt seem to get myself ready to go out.oh and i am stil in my robe even though the sun is already setting now. for the whole day i was in the robe.its cold.i just dont want to get out of the robe.

but seeing idura and ima getting ready,i felt like i wanted to go out too.i dont want to be left alone since that 'incident'.and ima bagi ayat pancing die.'nak ikut kitorang keluar ke nak duduk rumah dengan....'. shoot!having heard that i decided to join them.on the spot!pengecut gak sbenanye.hehe

so guess what time we went out?7.45pm.awal gile kot.and we arrived at the Westminster Bridge at 9.00pm.ahah.and guess when the fireworks start.yeah yeahh.name pun sambut new year.it started at 12.00am and we had 3 hours to kill!oh mann it was freezing cold!i asked myself if i could wait that long.there were lots of people hugging each other because the temperature was impossible.it was -3.i kept hugging ima and idura.and practiced the better trick; squeezing into the crowd and standing still amongst the ocean of people.and i really pity the babies in the prams.if they could write a diary,i bet the entry for the night will be 'i hate my parents for dragging me out in the cold when i could be sleeping comfortably in a warm court at home'.i bet on that! :P

na'aah.i didnt make it till 12.it was impossible for me.i was freezing cold.i wore 4 layers underneath but i was still shivering.i couldnt feel my nose.i was wearing gloves but my hands were numbs.and clever me,i wore a pair of canvas shoes.not helping!!my feet were frozen that i couldnt feel my toes when i was walking.and hell yeah,it hurts.and in my mind i was thinking, nak balik,nak balik..nak duvett....

and so i went back.straight home to the blanket and duvet and bertapa depan heater.oh it felt sooo goooood.

i switched on my lappy.konon2 nak layan Greys but ahah typical me,i slept halfway.all the way until midnight.

mama called.it was 230am.she called and talked as if she's next door.ive missed this voice.and she wished me a Happy New Year.welcome 2009.

hmm.2009.

1st January 2009.

and uhm a bit of reality check here.by year,i am 24.shoot!

siti iyliani JUWAHIR

2008-12-31T01:57:00.000-08:00

was catching up with this girl and her story mory yang hangat hangat belaka.hot fm.ahah

siti iyliani juwahir.i like her name.haha.and im dedicating a post to her.so why her.hmm.let me put it this way.when i befriending a person,i look for values to build my respect and trust on that person.and babe,i just have so many respect upon u.i think u are one of those super girls left on this world.i hope we grow stronger and wiser for each and every obstacles that we managed to overcome.yes.im praying this for you.and me too :)

and so i went through our pictures back in KAED.i have to say that i was dreading to escape KAED and the ridiculously strict UIA campus then,but now when i look back,i miss those times.and i very much miss you too!and mun,nur,kak ckin,kak fatin and many others.time machine please?

here are some of the videos and pictures i found on my hard disk.big smile. :))

the night where moiz jadi our cameraboy

our multi-dip final.first year hahaa look so innocent

post-portfolio 2nd year 2nd sem.studio's gath

flight delayed!

measured drawing @ al-maridani

egypt

graduation.finally!

redah je trip to ganu :)

these two vids were from our post portfolio barbeque.

kak ckin n taro.my all time favourite couple! :)

sebenarnye bes kan time kite belajar dulu?

:)

my very own white duvet

2008-12-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

the sky is blue.
the sun is shining brightly.
the dogs are running around catching frisbees.
the birds are chirping happily.

its been a beautiful day today.

lalala lala lala....

i am humming.
i am just happy.
isnt that apparent?

blind

2008-12-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

i have to say he sacrificed a lot all the while he was with me.sometimes i could not believe it that we never made it to the altar.despite the hurting and the fights that we had,i have always knew that things will be okay again between us.it might look ugly now but we will make it through patching thing up between us and things will get rosy again.but i am wrong.things are rosy on the surface but i have been slowly killing his love for me.

three years together was a long way for us.we were always the golden couple in the faculty.i have loved those times that i skipped class just to join him out for a drink at the pisang goreng stall outside the rear gate.and the lunch time we spent together and the late nights we've stayed up together in the studio finishing our work trying to catch up with the deadlines.i have loved those moments.and he had been incredibly loving towards me.

but the night he said he could not do this anymore,i was shattered.27032006.the night he said he's had enough and the night he said yes,i still have a chance but he's keeping it for the future.in case fate will bring us back again.this night,i knew ive blew it.

he had taught me so much about life.about love.about 'you and me'.about 'us'.about patience.about tolerance.about sacrifices.

those were the unspoken words.those were the values i learnt observing him.those were the values i was lacking and he's successfully planted them in me and at time he thinks im whole,he sets me free.free to the real world.free to the open world.he's done his part and im left alone in the cock pit to maneuver my own plane.

but i didnt want him to leave.i was scared.i was scared to maneuver my way.i needed him.badly.i needed his guidance.i needed his hands to hold mine.i needed his eyes to tell me its allright.i needed his comforting embrace to make me feel safe.safe from the blunders around me.safe from everything.i was left scared to find my own path.and i was scared that i'll lose him.forever.

and at this point i realized that ive done too much damage.damages that cannot be undone.damages that will leave scars that will forever mark his heart.wounds that have caused so much pain in him.wounds that have caused him drifting away from me.and wounds that have made me realized how much he's worth and how much i wanted to heal them.the point that i comprehended how much i have hurt him is the exact point that i realized i love him to the bits.

but it was too late.i have been gradually killing his love towards me.

lifehouse was singing on the radio.i could still hear it in my ears.i was in my car.parked in front of my faculty.watching him leave.watching him in my rear view mirror as he turned around and headed his way.

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

i drove home with tears.tears that came down my cheek without warnings.tears that soon streamed down with the rush of water coming out from the dam.this is hard.this is unbearable.ive lost him.ive loved him more than he could ever knew but ive lost him.ive loved him with every beat of my heart but he would never know.because despite all the love i have for him,the only thing that i havent grasp while being with him is frank talking.i could never pour my heart out and i could never lay those words even at the most crucial time.tears take over my speech but they have done no good for me.the words were stuck in my throat.'i love u,all my heart i do.i really do' were the only words i managed to blurt out.no explanation.no defending myself.no argument.no nothing.just these eleven words uttered repeatedly.

a part of me died when I let you go...

family

2008-12-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

Ely texted me this morning.she apologized for not being able to meet me before going back to Sheffield.i felt bad too.she had to wait for hours last tuesday for me.and by the time we were in the car playing bee and mmm game,she was too tired and too lazy to even think of the answers.hehe Ely next time datang kte masak masak kat umah baru adah eh? :D ::D

Syukri called.he's been trying to call me the last few days to notify me that he's already in London.he said he called and texted but received no replies from me.i was unreachable.but he was lucky to meet our friend at msd who gave him my new number.and so we met for lunch on the boxing day.we exhanged our travel experiences as both of us had just got back from our road trip around the UK.and uhumm thanks to the newspaper bergerak london,Syukri already knew about the scratch thingy.but he layed cool and played his part buat2 terkejut dengar adah cte as if he's just heard it for the first time because the newspaper bergerak told him not to tell me that he knew.pandaii Syukri berlakon ehh.

Hanef called.they went to Harrods and M&S today for shopping.apparantly these two started their sale on the 27th unlike others.and so we decided to meet up for dinner at melur.family.im meeting my family after few months here.Pak Andak and Mak Andak greeted me with smile and comfort.smile that im very much familiar with and comfort that could only come from my own blood.and believe it or not after years,i was talking to Hanef again.we catched up and took pictures to show Tok Mak that of all places in the world,we met for dinner here in London.
they are going back to Manchester tomorrow as Hanef is working there and both the parents will depart home next friday.for an instance,i envy Hanef for having his parents with him.

i was walking home in the cold when Syukri called.he's already in the bus heading towards Warwick after 3 weeks travelling.he said he only has a week left to qada' tidur before his classes will start again and he will have to get back to the old routine.heyy heyyy he's suppose to be my removal service for tomorrow but he's gone back.he laughed and said next time.ahah.i hope there wont be next time after this.

mama replied my text.ive been texting with her for the last 3 hours.
'uh...huh...u kept me up half d nite!anyway i hope u learnt that fear is a lot in d mind and mainan syaitan.Love :)'

today is 27th December 2008.and it was on this date last 30 years that arwah Atok gave away Mama's hand for marriage.Baba and Mama were then united at the Birmingham Central Mosque.

today has been one of the happiest day in London for me.the idea of family has always manage to help me pull my inner self together and strengthen my will.and having met them all this winter hols means more than what i could express with words.

thank you Baba and Mama.thank you for having faith in your family and your children.and making me believe that true love does exist in real life.

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY to Baba Mama :)

who would have thought

2008-12-26T15:27:00.000-08:00

it was the most cracking news for the past few days but it wasnt anything that anyone wanted to hear.it was the most dreading news one could ever receive.

i logged on to facebook and those lines were really a shock to me.i thought they were just joking or pulling a prank but it seems like almost all my studiomates were having similar shout outs.and so out of my curiosity i hurried to get the details from my cousin about the truth of the rumours and this is what he had to say:

zarrul aizat: pecah kaca pecah gelas,kene kaca dipeha pangkal
darah curah antah banyaknya
kaki kiri tokono jua
adah: apekahhh..
cte laa
zarrul aizat: cite sebenar,arwah je yg tau,..
die sorg je dalam bilik tu
pas kene, die merangkak keluar bilik VIP room
adah: arwah meninggal dalam bilik die kat kaed ke?
zarrul aizat: meninggal dalm ambulan uia,kat roundabout selayang
adah: VIP room yg tmpt kte salu wat presentation tu ke?
zarrul aizat: Aah..kt situ ade exhibition heritage, esok lusa kne present kat menteri besaq kedah,kne transfer sume model ke kedah,
die mungkin terjatuh di atas kaca itu lalu berselerakan memasuki peha-nya
dekat 12 cm tusukan kaca menembusi arteri utama
sian die,sebelum kena, die masuk studio 5th year dulu, tanye "mane budak2 ni sume"..budak2 sume da balek ,tinggal matpa dan den ganu sahaja

it was unthinkable.who would have thought handling architecture models can be fatal.who would have thought worrying about an exhibition could cause a life.who would have thought kaed could be a hazardous area.who would have thought we would never ever see him anymore.

tya buzzed me.with that she sent me a link to an IIUM blogger who wrote about the news.and he posted the picture of the entrance to VIP room that were trailed with blood that puddled at one spot where he stopped and helped by students.it was a lot.i could still see the picture whenever i close my eyes.its been haunting me these past couple of nights.

its that corridoor.its that corridoor and it brought back thousands of memories from my past.its that corridoor that i passed by every time im going to the surau.its that corridoor that i passed by thousands of time to get to his studio.its that corridoor where i used to chat and laugh with nor and mun trying to cheer each other after long hours in the studio.its that corridoor we used to jump and run catching one another entertaining ourselves just like many others.its where mun and i had dropped our eggshell for our fun project when we were in our first year.its that corridoor that i used to loiter around gossipping with the girls.its that corridoor that i used to spent hours with him.its where i used to had frank talk with dayah.its where i used to cry and sob when he said everything is going to be okay.and that exact corridoor is now marked with blood that will stick in all kaedians mind.forever.

Al-Fatihah to Allahyarham Dr. Syukri.

he was a great lecturer.he encouraged students to think in a different prespective backed by the philosophies.be it design studios or history lectures,he had his own way of making students absorb the essence of the subject and let us find the meaning and share our thought with the whole class.he always wanted students to speak in his class.he will listen and correct us where ever he thought he should.he encouraged critical thinking and never forget to pull us back to the ground reminding us to back our design with reasonings.

i remember my final second year project for the marina club house.he was the only lecturer who backed my design because he understood my intention and philosophies when i was slammed by all others.he was the only one who gets the point and lead my way through the design stage untill i managed to produce my final product.it may not be the best yet of my work but i was very much gratified with it because for the strictest requirement,i get to design my project with passion and satisfaction.

Allah itu lebih sayang kepada orang yang beriman.

may Allahyarham rest in peace and placed amongst the mukminin.

the book is now closed for yet another person thats very dear to many of us. may the depart of our beloved lecturer makes us all think how short life is and how unpredictable death is.

and i am just another sinner in this world.i pray to Allah that He will give me chance to live a good life that will prepare me to the hereafter.Ameen.

izinkan

2008-12-26T02:23:00.000-08:00

i used to listen to izinkan a lot whenever i was having my down turn few years back.mun n nor called it my theme song.i always thought it was stupid to have anything thematic when you were in a relationship but i guess thats where i was wrong.when someone is in a relationship,they tend to be stupid.very stupid in some cases.no,im not referring to anyone in particular.ahah. :P
i am including myself within that stupid circle.look where i am now.big laugh.

so i was listening to malay songs on the youtube.and i was lying on the floor when izinkan pop up.i was stunned and automatically i sat up and stare into the screen.ngahahh.i havent heard this song for ages now.

Izinkan aku melafazkan isi hatiku
Kau yang satu, bagiku tiada lain darimu
Pasti ku kan ubati lukamu segala kemahuanmu, kuberi
Janjiku padamu hatiku hanya untukmu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untuk mu
Izinkan aku lafazkan isi hatiku
Masihkah aku
Bertakhta di hatimu
Janjiku padamu
Hatiku kau perlu tahu...
Mainanku igauanku hanya perasaan yang menular
Haruskah dirimu, membenci diriku
Kupohon maaf darimu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untukmu
Berikan diriku
Secebis senyum tawamu
Bagaikan mentari di hati
Bila kau kembali di sisi
Kau membawa erti hidupku ini

haa haa!!yerp i used to listen to this song a lot when i was in the finals.especially during the finals.sampai satu studio semua dah muak dengar lagu ni kite pasang kat speaker kuat2.because why,because we tend to fight and quarrel a lot whenever finals came approaching.well i need not mention here why but final were our most vulnerable time and we were both stressed out and exhausted catching up with the project submission that entertaining our 'other half' had became excessive and very tiring.especially on his part.ngahahaa nasib laa kann.it was,ahah,inevitable.and overwhelming.mane ade couple gaduh cekik cekik and tumbuk tumbuk kann.hahahaaaa something to laugh about now.not then,now.

oh well i dont know why i am writing about this here but i guess there are somewhat hopes that he will come across this piece.and if he ever did,there are so many things that i wanted to say to him.

hmm.where do i start?

terima kasih.
terima kasih sebab banyak benda kite belajar kat awak dulu.
percaye la kite memang adapt cakap awak walaupun awak tengok kite ni keras kepala gile mengalahkan batu.hahaaa
terima kasih sebab singgah dalam hidup kte (okay this sounds weird in malay) -> thanks for dropping by in my life and taught me values that werent easily grasped by words.
kite nak mintak maaf gak la kalau kite ade malu kan awak.
kite nak mintak maaf sebab kite salu gi sepak kereta awak dulu.ngehh ngehhh.open confession.
be a high flyer!kite tau cita cita awak tinggi.work for it!
jangan pakai baju yang kite bagi utk g ngorat pompuan.hishh selamber jer.
oh,kalau jumpe mun,go pick on her like the old times.suke tengok korang.hehe.
oh oh lagi satu.gambar2 kte banyak2 yang kite tumpang dalam laptop awak dulu,tolong burn kan cd untuk kite.kite takde copy la.hehe tq.

just so you know,you're the rare species of men left on this land.you might be cranky on the outside but you're worth more than those pulled together.live a good life! *wink*

and to his girl.i didnt mean to offend you with this post.i just wanted to say you're lucky.he is a good guy and he's more than what meet the eyes.and dont worry,im over him. :)

white flag.

thinking.do i have the courage to publish this post?hmmm............

short

2008-12-25T03:38:00.000-08:00

i was finally there.the thought of going to the mosque excites me a lot.its not just the mosque but i t was actually the mosque.

22-12-2008 6:23 pm

i texted baba.

'Baba..i am currently standing before the Birmingham Central Mosque!'

'Imagine 30 years ago there. 27 Dec.'

'Yes.i purposely stop here to visit the mosque'

':-)'

short but meaningful.thats my baba :D

against the odds

2008-12-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

im just asking myself why.

sometimes i thought of nurin and her never ending questions.why this and why that.and what this and what that.back to why this and why that.round up again to where this and where that.

'naim jalan.nurin tak pegi school.naim tired.nurin pun tired.' i have loved that cute little voice.i still do.bless her with all the grace in the world.

often i admire her self contentment.the way she brings herself.the way she mingles.the way she prays.the way she lifts that two little hands and says her own little prayer.the way she says ameen.the way she says yes to every words kakak instructed her to.the way she obeys her mother without reasonings.the way that innocent eyes have flicked whenever i tricked her into doing something wrong.

i used to be there.eighteen years ago i used to be 5 years old too.i used to be a small girl in skirts too.i used to have a small pair of hands too.and with those hands i used to hold izzat and kissed him innocently the way nurin had towards naim.i used to be like nurin.

but from the vague memory that i have,i was nothing like her.i was always the stone-headed brat.i was always a disgrace to myself.i caused troubles all the times.i ran in and out the house without warnings.i climbed out the window to catch an owl when i was suppose to be listening to the teacher in the class.and i was always the odd one.

i had been going against the odds all my life.why was never a question.sometimes i wish i have nurin's obedience.

i guess now,i have all the time in the world to ask myself why.
thank you Allah.thank you for giving me a time out to replenish myself.

i need mama.badly.

oh noooo

2008-12-12T06:05:00.000-08:00

someone deleted all of his inbox.

umm.................

*silent*

i sure hope he could retrieve the email back.

good luck!! :D

saya pemakan besar

2008-12-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

saya seorang manusia.
saya seorang manusia biasa.
saya seorang perempuan muda remaja.
saya seorang perempuan yang pandai menghargai makanan.

semalam saya makan nasi impit.
semalam saya makan kuah kacang.
semalam saya makan rendang.
semalam saya makan laksa penang!! :D :D
semalam saya makan pai dan krim lemak dengan sungguh banyak.

hari ini saya makan ketam masak lemak.
hari ini saya makan sambal sotong.
hari ini saya makan ikan keli.
hari ini kemudiannya juga saya makan lamb chop.

hari ini di malam hari saya menyedari tahap kolestrol yang tinggi makanan tersebut.
hari ini di malam hari saya sedang pening kepala.
hari ini di malam hari saya rasa otak saya tak center.

dan ketika di malam hari pula saya merasakan saya sedang kebuncitan.

hmmpphh! mengeluh sambil bersyukur.mengeluh kerana yakin ada kilo yang akan bertambah.bersyukur kerana rezeki Tuhan itu amat murah.

hmmmphhh!! mengeluh.mengeluh kerana seumpamanya nafsu makan ini liarnya di luar kawalan minda.

hmmmppphhh!!! mengeluh kerana nafsu makan yang tak terkawal ini sudah tentu memberi kesan sampingan terhadap seluar.

no.54

2008-12-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

i went to view a house today and it was great!it was awwesome!!!it was lovely and it was hugeee..and it was crazily offered at a very competitive rate.it has some huge windows and very high ceiling.Georgian style building i suppose.
and i love this place.i dont just love this place,i think im in love with this place.if im now dreading my way back home to Upton Park,i could imagine myself smiling widely heading my way back to the new house.
mahu balik ke rumah tercinta untuk bercinta dengan rumah tercinta.
just like how i used to head my way home to turnpike lane.finally,things are getting rosy for me with the house issue i dreaded for few months now.i really hope to spend some quality time in my future home hence less merempating at other people's house.hehe.oh well,idora warned me not to lari to other places as this house is so huge she will be scared to be left alone at night.hehe ai ai ma'am.
so there was my activity for the day.i just cant wait to move into this house as soon as possible.
weee!~~ adah in love with her new crib.

the thought of mama is the soup for my soul

2008-12-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

'how are you doing' mama asked.i havent been answering her previous phonecall as i didnt hear the phone and obviously she's worried about me.i was fine.

i remembered if i was not feeling well or had my down cycle,i used to seek comfort in mama.we used to go out shopping with mama or just strolling in the car and enjoy the one hour way home being stuck in the ever terrible traffic jam on the federal highway talking about my days and how it affected me.if i would have normally curse in my kelisa ramming my way through the ocean of cars,i would just drive on the left lane of the highway not bothering to overtake any of the cars because i really treasure the hours that we were 'trapped' together in the heavy near to standstill traffic.and its funny how we have to make appointments to go home together as i was normally spending long hours in the office and seldom left untill it was dark.

when ive landed a job at Phileo which is 200m away from IIUMatrics,mama was thrilled.now she can have a company to drive back and forth from work to home everyday.and having someone to talk with in the boring journey or simply keeping up with her daughter,it was a great idea.i was excited too.

but i guess it didnt work that way.i was a junior in the office and i really had a lot to learn.ahah save that craps.even if im not a junior in the office,i would still leave after sunset.the workloads are impossible.we often go home very late to finish our never-ending-ever-changing drawings.

so basically,i always reached home late at night because obviously i would be hungry and looking for food after the long hours in the office.and for all i knew the next thing i was doing was lepaking at mamak if im lucky enough,will be bangi or if not i will be out for food around kl.and by the time i was home,mama was fast asleep.and by the time i woke up the next morning,she was already on the road to work.

and not to mention the routine that she had where she used to call me twice daily just to talk to me even though we lived in the same house.the first would be in the morning to wake me up or warn me about the traffic towards pj since we were actually taking the same route and the second would be on her way home in the traffic jam,reminding me to have a short break and go out for dinner before diving back into the piles of drawings in the office.huhu mothers.

and when i practically stayed over at melati during the weekdays to make it easier for me to commute to work,we used to have lunch date together just to catch up stories during the week so that she wouldnt miss any part of my life an i get to spend more time with her.she was always present in my life and i love her for being very supportive in whatever i chose to do.

i smiled hearing her voice.it is stil the same voice even though the receiver that im hearing from is thousands of miles away from her.and she still sounds the same.and the same trick.she will call me on her way back home.i smile.i have missed this voice and she had read my mind from continents away.she had given me a ring because the mother instinct that she had was so strong it could surpass all the obstacles away.

mama,i love and miss you very much.

with love,
your daughter

hushh raudah..he's an english!

2008-11-23T08:32:00.001-08:00

20112008

i was just doing the daily routine that i do when im in this place.i wasnt feeling well today but i just get on with stuff.i had fever days before and i havent fully recovered.i was still weak but i still want to come in for work.i love this place.so i just get on serving the hungry customers as they came in and made their selection of these lovely malaysian cuisine.i just love serving these local people and watching them enjoying malaysian cuisine.my cuisine.

and i smiled as i always do.once a customer said to me, 'how do you manage with that smile all your day.'i laughed.oh well he just made me smiled more.
jones said he will only come here either on friday or saturday.'yes the food is nice but this place wouldnt be the same without your smile on every other days,raudah'.awww arent they sweet?

but today i wasnt as friendly because i still felt a bit sore.and thank God,it was a bit quiet today so i get to rest every now and then.and pak bong was very nice to me he cooked a hot soup and asked me to dig in so i can get well soon.'very soon.' he said.

it was around 7 when a couple came in and as i was busy serving them,another three teenagers came in and so another two guys.pakwe came to help behind the counter and served the three while i finished with the couple and get on with the two guys.only the blonde haired guy made his order for chicken laksa and some banana buttons while the other just smiled and stood back,i could felt his eyes were on me as i move back and forth behind the counter.ive got the money from the blonde guy and went on to the tall guy with short brown hair,a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a very nice smile.i turned to him and he smiled.

'hi raudah.u dont remember me do you'

'harry' a handsome guy like you?of course i remember you!

'i thought u have forgotten me'

'i dont.u did'

'i did?'

'u said ure coming in again before i finish my shift at half past six but you didnt.i waited for you' i pulled a face.and yes i did wait for him.he came in last saturday not to buy the food but just to say hi to me.i finish at 630 and so he said he'l drop in before i finish my shift to catch up with me.
he laughed.a cute one and smiled sheepishly.

'oooh.i thought u have forgotten me.okay okay.i am very sorry that i didnt drop by the other day.it was a very busy day and i stayed back until 10pm.' and he winked.

'oh realy?oh well im sorry then' puzzled and stuttered.puzzled because i was thinking what did i just do??and stuttered finding the right word to say.and im about to blush.rewinding the past few seconds in my head.macam tgh merajuk dgn boyfren la plak.okay.i blushed.

'uhm..' i grin.no appropriate smile could come out now.only grin.

'yea i always make sure to drop by this place every thursday and saturday to meet you.'

'so come over this saturday.i finish at 630 but i'l wait for u' he finishes his shift at 7.and omg im hitting on this guy!!

'yes sure and i'l make sure of that!'

the blonde haired guy was standing there all along watching us talk.he's got his food and he's ready to go.

'so i wil see u on saturday,raudah' harry said as he walked out of the door.he waved and he winked.

and there i was standing behind the counter,smilling.a broad one. :)

writing with my eyes closed

2008-11-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

i just have this great feeling of being able to smile again.i saw it today and without hesitating,i smiled.and i dont know what or how or where the courage had came from but i just smiled.and yes me,i just smiled.

i guess fantasies are not to be lived.fantasies are just too beautiful that they are to remain as fantasies.fantasies are just too great that we'll end up in resentment trying to realize it in real life.

its a simple fact.and so i learnt.

life is never ending-ly filled with dramas.it doesnt matter how i put in words that my life is tiring or full of dramas or many other excitement,there will always be other peoples' lives that are not any short of such events.there will always be peoples' lives that are more tiring than mine.that were filled with more wicked dramas than mine.and of course there are others with more life excitement than mine.

life is interesting.life is full of excitement.life is tailored the way one leads his life.and that makes it incomparable between one another.

and so we move on with life.i move on with life.waking up hoping that today will be better than yesterday.hoping that today will feel better than yesterday.hoping that today will patch the wound that yesterday could not.hoping that today will hushh the anger away.hoping that today will heal the pain from yesterday.

but there's always the fact that we often neglect.

the pain is always going to be there.we gradually get over the pain.it doesnt go away but its just became easier to live with.sometimes it takes weeks.sometimes it takes months.sometimes it takes years.but eventually we'll come to the point where we only think of them occassionally.

so i smiled.it was a happy smile.i was being happy for it.but i knew the pain is always there.maybe ive just came to the point where i am immuned with the pain that i didnt realize it is even there.but it is there and it is always going to be there.

but im indifferent now.even if the pain is there i could not feel it anymore.im stone hard and i just couldnt care less.i just need to get on with life and live the norm.

and so i smile.i have always been smiling and i will always do.even if i dont feel like to,i will still smile.even if i feel crushed with pain,i will still smile.because a stranger's smile always makes my day.and i dont know whose life will i touch when i put on the smile on my face.

and i still feel awkward knowing people that i knew is reading this.

happy birthday love! xxx

2008-11-06T08:08:00.000-08:00

ATTENTIONNNN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

i would like to announce to everyone that today is my besties' birthday and i love her very much and i wish her all the happiness in the world..

let us all sing together with me..

and this is my birthday present for you love..

i might not be there but i hope im always present in your life..i hope you will get a year wiser and 365 more of lovely days with your mr. kambeng..

kind regards,
your other half. xxx

me two precious gems

2008-10-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

they've grown up!

nurin and naim have been growing up so fast and im missing the most adorable part of their life.the changes might not be visible for nurin but it sure was noticeable for naim.

i am closer to nurin because ive seen her grow up before my eyes and somehow i felt like there's this bonding between the two of us.and i tend to spoil her too.dont get me wrong,she has always been a good girl,if not trouble-free girl and has always been obedient-if you say dont touch for instance,she really wont touch the thing ever again.hail kakak for the superb upbringing she had instilled in nurin.i love to buy her stuffs because i like to see the look in her eyes when she's got something she hasnt expected.n she just melt my heart away i could never say no if she ask me for anything.hugs and kisses!!! xxx

while naim is the total opposite of nurin.the more you say no,the more he's determined to continue with whatever that he was doing.he is mischievious but i would say in an innocent way because if you see on his face,there's always the wisdom lines on his forehead that shows that he's constantly thinking; ever so curious about the stuffs around him.i used to ignore naim in other people's presence because he was sooo gorgeous and adorable,everybody wanted to play with him and have him in their lap.and at the end of the day he'll come crawling to me wondering why didnt i get all excited to pinch his fluffy cheek or mess with his curly hair or simply play with him.thats then i'l take him to my acknowledgment and play with him.i would say he has the look of mr romeo to be so im practicing a bit of playing-hard-to-get with him and it seems to work.haha sheepish that is.but he truly is adorable.

anyhoo here are some pictures of them,the two gems in my life.oh the number will change soon as kakak is expecting her 3rd child and abang is expecting his first kiddo.yeayy!! :D :D :D

i just love these two lovely babies.no matter how much theyve grown or how one day they'll be adults,they'll always be babies to me.

mwahxxx rindu sangat kat win n naim tauuuu

what the hell im doing here

2008-10-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

you're so fucking special.

i wish i was special.

im a creep.im a weirdo.

what the hell im doing here.

i dont belong here....i dont belong here..............

i wish i was special...

youre so fucking special................

some unoriented writing..the girl with the french hat

2008-10-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

as i walked by tesco,i saw a bunch of workers gathered around a bollard just opposite the hole in the wall cash machine.there were 6 of them.i suppose they were discussing matters about the construction that was taking place.it looked as though there was a problem with the construction going on and probably the foreman was discussing matters with some cleaner guy who were the only one without the safety helmet,safety boots and jeans that were covered in dust and dirt.taking advantage of the situation,the other 5 workers had a fiver where some lay their back against the bollard while others make a circle and had a good laugh among themselves. it was a good chat i suppose as they seem to be enjoying their company when suddenly a girl walked by these 5 guys and the chattering that took place drifted away.all eyes were on the passer by.she was plump.naah i think plump is not the right word.she was voluptuous.she was a tall fine young lady that might be in her early twenties and was in her best state.oh well i dont know how she is in her best condition but she surely was very presentable and a bit vogue i thought.nope she wasnt wearing anything extravagant but she really pulled it off with that cream french hat she had on and the big silver ring earring with the tight red top,some nice slim belt on her waistline and a very nice pair of boots i was about to say 'hellooo boots' to it.the buttons to her coat were undone and along with a nice mellow beige scarf that was hanging on her neck,her brown hair was flaring behind her as she walked.i suppose she was late as she walked rushingly but i have to say she walked with grace.she walked in a line and looked as though she was marching on the runway.
she definitely was a head turner.the guys couldnt get their eyes off her.it was amusing to be watching the scene and i giggled when their jaw eventually dropped and their head turned to send off the goddes that i bet was making their day for the morning.it was almost spontaneous and it happened within less than 2 minutes but they had a big grin on their face with some of them even had their eyes rolled.i wouldnt thought that as flirtatious.it was just natural.men will always be men.and they were just appreciating some work of art and in some way,making the girl's morning knowing she'd been admired.it worked both ways and they helped her boost her self confidence though i could see that her face was turned red and i guessed she was feeling shy being stared at from top to toe.but she truly was a goddess.she had my head turned too and ahah this might be embarassing but i was checking her out too.i was impressed.for a typical girl i would categorize her as plump but she sure knew how to appreciate her body and her curves appeared sexily voluptious receiving much appreciation.
now tell me,who says you have to be size zero to feel pretty when you can have all the good food in the world and still feel good about your body.i watched some documentary of celebrity diets about their healthy and balance diet and i pity them for that.thier idea of a balanced diet brings starvation into the picture,my framed imagination,one that i couldnt imagine for having some little tiny winy food on the plate that were supposed to provide the right balance of carb,protein and whatever nutrition for our body.and lets not start with all those herbal organic food they indulged in(they seemed so or maybe just putting on a happy face swallowing some raw tasting greens).believe me i used to have those algae(or whatever thats called) myself and it tasted like grass,well not that ive had grass before,yet they were selling it insanely expensive as it was claimed to be good for your health in particular bla bla bla.i couldnt care less.why do i have to be a cow feeding on some expensive grass when i can have all the good food that are there to dig in.
with these words being laid,i meant no offence to the vegetarians out there.these are just my little piece of mind on the idea of eating greens,raw.dont get me wrong,i do like green vegetables and i do eat vegetables.its just that,i dont eat just any of it raw.yes we have salad and all but grass??that maybe just a little too much innit?
oh well.back to the main thing here,i think all girls should be gratefull with whatever size they are having on their clothing label.not everyone was born with some frames that and some girls werent even all we have to do is making some effort on our experience and walla we can be whoever we want in our own skin.i know i know that this is much easier said than being done.i tend to be ungratefull about my body too,thinking iv always wanted some longer legs so they will look good in that pair of jeans i just bought,or maybe some smaller frame so i could fit in most dresses easily and urghh i really think my pair of hands are just too big for this wrist and huh dont get me started on my feet-theyre enormous that im finding a hard time fitting for shoes!(milla,u noe this right.huhu).yurp i too grumble about myself and being a self-contracditiry here but i am not a model nor a super goddess who were born with plain beauty.i am just me just like millions of girls out there.and we girls share a common anymosity;the scale and the mirror.
being out there this morning truely made my day.i am telling myself that from today onwards i will stop(or try to stop)grumbling about my body and appreciating it more as i was made perfectly fit for myself.maybe i could put on a little more weight if i felt like or lose a few kilos whenever i need to but im surely not going to torture my body into some cruel starvation.this french hat girl that i was talking about surely was a great example to all of the girls out there and i felt much better now.
hmm.now that i feel good about myself,maybe i could have a treat of some crunchy crushed oreo sprinkled over a mouthfull bowl of icecream.anyone? :)

mina mr. yaawwwww

2008-10-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

okay yesterday was one hell of a funny story..hmm since ive started my blog in the middle of my so called 'new beginning' here,i might have missed a few occasions to share with you.but heyy no worries cuz i'll definitely have flash backs in my writings here.

to start things off,let me tell you that im currently house hunting.yes house hunting that is.my housemate had gone back to Malaysia for good(which i envy her for that) and i had to move out from our cosy little heaven that we used to love staying in, 41b Sydney Road N8 0ET.

oh well its not that i have to move out but i figured i couldnt be living alone in that house.ill go insane living alone not having anyone to talk to and to mumble to neither could i live there without looking forward to be meeting kak nana when i got home (and be shouting 'honeyy im home' down the stairs having kak nana welcoming me at the end of the flight saying 'hows your day,darling', our own little play ;P ) nor could i sleep alone on that bed without having my living thermostat heater(yes she was) at the other side of the cold bed before i could crept in between the duvet and fell into a deep sleep,having them all warmed up before hand(i always said 'kak nana,jomla tdo' whenever i was sleepy.huhuu.rinduu).

nope.i cant live here alone.i love this place.jatuh cinta from the first time i came for viewing.but tony wouldnt allow any other people to replace nana's spot(mind you,we had an intense interview with him before we were allowed to stay there) and that means,either im staying alone,or i go.and i cant.i really cant stay alone.
so i packed my stuff(and it took me days to finish packing.sigh~) and on the holy day of Eid,i head my way out of this little heaven to a new place in Upton Park.
good bye 41b.good bye mini gym.good bye mr. froggy,my prince charming.good bye tub(i spent an hour daily in the tub and i love it :(.good bye kitchen.good bye bed.good bye lounge.good bye love.good bye house.good bye sydney road.good bye turnpike lane. *sobbing*

thus here i am in upton park.but having lived in a little heaven or so i called it,i found every little things to complaint about this new place.im not entirely happy with this place and its location didnt help much.little madras i would call this place.no the house that im living in currently is okay but the place in the bigger context,im not really fond of.i used to have smiles whenever im going back to turnpike lane but i am indifferent heading home to upton park.i cant go on like this.i need to find a new place.

so the search begin.

i went on Gumtree and started searching for rooms to let and found quite a few that fell within my budget range with great locations.edgware road.where the hell could you get a room for gbp80 per week down there.but heyy i found some and i drop them a line.and one of those that i had contacted was mina.and this was what the ad said:

large studio flat sharing . i need nice person only girls . inc all the bells . for 75pw .
mina samir.

mina.tell me what would you have in mind?it sounded like a girl.so okay i gave this mina a ring.
i dialled his number and waited in anticipation.and the line was getting thru.
truut truut.truut truut.
then suddenly i heard a guy's voice at the other end.i started to choke.i thought i am calling for a girl.i lost my words for a while then i went on.'uh hello,can i speak to mina please'.i didnt ask much for the details.i arranged for a viewing to be held on the coming monday.it was all arranged and im due to meet him at 6pm monday.

immediately i messaged jeff to accompany me for the viewing.i started to have bad feelings.he had class until 5 therefore he would be available to come with me to see the flat.furthermore,its just few minutes away from his house and so we promised to meet up at M&S.but it was raining and it wasnt the hay rain like how the londoners are used to.it was a heavy down pour and poor jeff,he was soaked in the rain.i felt bad for dragging him along.i did.i really did.

we waited for mina to come and fetch us from Argos.i told jeff that i had a weird feeling about this mina guy.he advertised it for girls only but he himself is a guy.just a little reminder here,i dont really have any experience for this sort of business.jeff however assured me that maybe this mina guy is just letting out the room for another person.he could be the landlord or agent and doing it on the behalf of another girl.i was a bit relieved when i heard that.

then this guy came.he was a middle east man,probably in his 20's and not to deny,with a nice feature too.he was a nicely built young man and he was dressed in a black leather jacket and he's got this suave facade.ahah not architecturally.i was meant to say appearance :P

we walked a long way to his house.apparently we were waiting at the other side of edgware road and his flat was located more towards the marylebone road.his flat was at the basement but i thought its okay because basement in london had became a proper dwelling for londoners and you can really find some nice basement flats as such ive seen at bayswater.

but ahah.thats a loooooooong way from those of bayswater's.his flat particularly didnt seem to look like a flat at all.at least not for a proper living for most people because i could see he was quite settled down there.uhhmmm.let me start from the very beginning; the entrance to the flat.there was nothing wrong with the entrance door except for the fact that it was unnumbered and left unlock.oh no not even properly shut.i didnt see any effort from him to shut the front door.i suppose the door was purposely left open but heyy for what?it wasnt even summer if heat was being the issue to leave the door open.the flat was located at the main street and they could have easily invited some robbers(okay this is not malaysia),thieves to perk into his flat and steal things.uhmm as i walked down the stairs towards the entrance,i started piling question marks in my head.and it looked as though the compilation of the question marks was not stopping any time soon....

we stepped into the flat and it was dark in there.he opened the first door on our left hand side using his set of keys(now only i could see some use of keys) and lead me in.it was hmmmm scary i would say.the room was big,that was not arguable.he had two beds in the room.one double bed was located at the nearest right corner from the door and a single bed located at the right far end of the room.in between these two beds lies two bedside tables for both the beds and a 3seater sofa complete with a coffee table that you can rest your feet on and rilex.on the left side of the door,there was a row of cupboards for storage and he had many racks that were used to place his tv and all the stereos that he had.at the left end of the room,there was a small door,i would say its not the standard size as the height might be less than the standard 2100mm that lead into a shower room.

okay maybe it wasnt that scary when u read it the way ive put it.but trust me it was!first of all the condition of the room was unacceptable.it was a shabby room with a very little window which means very few sun that could penetrate in to lighten up the room.the room was not in its best condition (even if it was,i couldnt tell) and the furniture were all worn out.the sofa has got patches on it and a bit smelly i would say.and the shower room.urghh scarryyy.i opened the door to peek in and it was like a store in there.the door was obstructed by a pail and the whole room was dark.i only peek in a little.i need not see the whole thing.euuwww.

i didnt want to stay long in the room so i stepped out.jeff was out there waiting for me.i could see the expression on his face as he himself i suppose,was shocked to see this place.okay maybe i was talking about the room.lets step out into the common area.oh wait is there any common area there??na'ah..none!the rest of the flat was a dungeon and i mean it.if bats were to live in the heart of london,i would know that one of their home would be mina's flat.that i can tell you for sure.it was quite spacious out there but they treated the corridor like a dump site.

next to mina's door was a stove cooker.or at least that was what it's suppose to be.obviously it wasnt functioning.it was in its worst state.i would describe the stove as one of those in the restaurant's kitchen-the size were nothing of those for domestics use.but it looked like the thing was covered in dust of cements and sands.wherever that should come from.i couldnt figure that out.i was terrified.i was imagining some rats playing around on the stove as seen in the movies.there was another big machine of the stove's kind next to it.i couldnt tell what that was.then there was another door that lead to two rooms.and to add the misery of my visit there,i could see 3 guys of his kind was lying around in that room topless revealing their bulu bulu heyy.i was terrified and turned away.i wouldnt have the guts to peek in the room.

then mina told me at the end of the hallway was the toilet.it was,hmmm,disgusting.i had my forehead lined.what the hell was this??then on the right hand side of the corridor was a huge space.i would have guess it was the allocated space for the kitchen.i didnt had a proper look into those spaces but i could tell it was big.but i wonder why were there so many buckets of paints and probably bags of cements.and it casually went out my mouth 'oh i see you're having construction down here'.you would have thought the same.it was the only common sense that could answer why the place was so run down.probably there was some renovation work going on and they sort of left the places unkempt for tomorrow's work.but i guessed wrong.mina's expression changed.and i could guess he could tell by the look on my face that it was purely a sensible question.i looked at jeff and he himself looked puzzled.

we headed towards the door.i wouldnt want to spend another minute down there.just about the time we were heading to the door he invited us to come into his room and have a little chat.jeff was at the front and he made his way into the room.again.urghh.mina invited us to sit so we did.and suddenly he shut his door and i started to panic.i could never tell what kind of guy he is.he had about 3 or 4 old school hand phones jeff described them as stolen cells arranged on his bedside table.jeff had his head turning,he had his phone ready with emergency number-in case anything happen he could just dial up the number and scream for help.but of course,that didnt happen.

jeff started to ask who is the room mate.then he said it was him.ooohhhkayyyy.i was startled.jeff did all the talking.i couldnt believe what i saw just now,what more to be hearing these craps.
and so jeff went on.
'so where is she going to sleep then'
'she can have this bed'he walked toward the single bed and sat on the bay.'this is a heater bed you know,so you wont be cold when you sleep in the winter'.then he undid his 3 top buttons revealing his chest hairs and the blink blink hoppers necklace i would say that he has on his neck.
'i am not around most of the time.i come home from work at 6 and go to the gym until 9.so you will have a lot of privacy'.privacy?did he said that word privacy??i could almost fainted.if i am going to need some privacy,it would be best when im going to sleep and surely i wont trust him to be sleeping in the same four walls with me without risking myself.oh well,not that im thinking to.ohhh.God forbid.please.

i was stunned with the place bad enough and he was just adding to my misery with the offer.and i bet it was transparent and showed on to my face.i didnt want to be rude.well not at that very moment as anything could happen to me and jeff if say,to the worst of our thought,he starts attacking us.and dont forget the 3 topless guys in the other room.uuuhu i dont want us to get into any troubles so i tried hard to shuusshh my expressions away.i couldnt find any words to say and jeff was silent.i bet he ran out of words.mortified with this whole thing.then i saw the remotes.'oh u have sky.thats nice.'it came out sounding like im interested to this place.desperately putting up some interested face trying not to be rude.then he went on with other stuffs and started about the rent.okay,that i left jeff to handle with.my eyes were already on the door knob.

i didnt listen to the rest of the conversation but the next thing i knew we were already heading towards the door.i said good bye to him and jeff assured him that we will call back to confirm with him.which,obviously we did not.the place was so run down i could never imagine anyone could live down there.what more picturing myself walking in and out that corridor.yucks.it was a dungeon and one hell of a scary one.

it was still raining outside.but we couldnt care less.we just walked through the rain and kept on walking and walking and walking until we were out of mina's reachable radius.the place was desperate.and i dont want to ever remember ive been there.as soon as we realized that we were in the safe zone,we started to laugh.and we laughed all the way back to paddington.

jeff thanked me for bringing him to the darkest part of london.ahah thats a sarcastic one :P but i welcomed him.i was honoured to be the first to bring him to such places.ive only been here for few months but ive seen this part of london,even those who have lived here for years wouldnt believe that it exist.no this is no ordinary part of london.this is zone 1 with W1 as the postcode yet,its the darkest part of which no one could have imagined those places exist.

i wish mina luck in finding himself a female room mate.

and im expressing my gratitude to Him for having jeff along with me that day.for if im alone,i wouldnt know what might have happened to me.

things happenned for a reason.and this happens because nak tunjuk kat u la jeff tempat2 dodgy camtu kat West2 pn ade gak..:P

hating the hammersmith n city line,distrcit line and circle line...

2008-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

okay today i am declaring my hatred towards hammersmith n city line,district line and circle line.i was waiting for the tube to come on the way home last night and it felt as if ive been standing out there on the platform for hoursss..hoursss that was!!

i hated it wen there had to be delays on these route because u know what,it seems like there are forever going to be delays..and the irony part was that the delay only occurred on the eastbound platform where i was actually heading to!!!!!the westbound trains came regularly and i was counting the seconds like shit it came every 2 minutes!!!!!and to mount up the hatred in me,there was the DLR route train on the other platform that stop by almost every 5 minutes..urghhhh come on tfl!!!

n to make matter worst,it was freezing cold last night and the wind was blowing at the speed rate of 50mph(mm okay maybe i was exaggerating but the wind surely made me unstable on few occasions that i was almost blown away and hell no not blown away in a lovey dovey way but the actual blown away by the rush of the 50mph against my slender unstable gravity point body off my foot!(thank God i wasnt on my heels!!or i might fell off the platform..aku ni pon pandai g diri dekat line kuning buat ape..haishhh)

apparently i was standing on its way and the wind was late for its appointment and was rushing like everything to make it on time to God-knows-where(i was thinking even,maybe it was late for its date..woaa rilex mr. windy,mrs.windy may be going mad a lil for your latency but we're talking bout my life here!!!)

and the fact that i was walking in the rain because i have forgotten to bring an umbrella previously didnt came to any help and it made my body shiver in the coldness..
n i was thinking oh cummonnnnn..ive had a bad day already(but a funny one) that i went to see a dungeon room at mina's place.

"i come home from work at 6 and i go to gym every day until 9"

then suddenly he undid the 3 top buttons of his jacket revealing the bulu bulu heyy and not to mention all the blink blink ice on the neck yawwww..omg jeff,im soo going to write about mina and his blink blink and the "heater bed" yg u bole beli 20 pound kat argos tu in my blog...muahahahaaaaaaa..bangge gle okay dgn heater bed die tuh...euwwwwwwwww

okay backk to the main topic...uwaaaa i soo miss msia n my little blue miss berhad that was always there to keep me warm wen it was cold outside,n gave me shed wen it was pouring rain like everything(this i soo miss about kl...huhu)n kept me chilled wen it was blazing hot..my miss berhad,u truely were my most precious gem in this whole wide world...uwaaaaaaa

mamaaaaaa...please can you courier my lil miss berhad to me

huhuuu...rindu turnpike lane..rindu picaddily line terbaik....tak suke tak suke tak suke hammersmith n city line n district line........tertekannnnnnnnn

boneless soul

2008-10-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

i am there but am not presently there.

i am here but am not constantly here.

my first post for the longest time

2008-10-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

i havent really been posting a blog about myself for the longest time so i figured i wanted to write one just as so to keep up with everyone else who'd seem to be having their blog links next to their status message on my messengers list.i always thought it was cool to be clicking on their links and be reading their day to day feed of their life and often i admire their openness to be writing down bits of their life knowingly.

sometimes it struck my thought and i would have this sudden urge to be writing down my link next to my name on their list so i could too claim it openly that i too have a blog to keep you updated with my life.i too can claim that im internet literate and benefitting it in all sort of other ways,having my profile and a piece of my mind on the net-my very own publication that is.and wouldnt it be cool that i get to be calling it adah's publication.

but all the urge will normally got swept away at the thought of having people that i know reading it.i'll get butterflies imagining people that i knew are going to be reading through my thoughts that were laid into some structured sentences and i got so nervous of what they might have think about it and what it could do to affect them,in any ways that is.i wouldnt be able to be writing about my true feelings and thoughts then,that i have to alter it to suit the readers' rating and that wouldnt be any short of deep thinking of filtering my own thoughts.and urghh i can imagine that then,writing can be so tiring.

i rarely wrote anything about myself publicly to the crowd of readers that i know.to be honest,i would be more comfortable to be writing anonymously and having readers who do not know me read through my piece and give some feedbacks about the issues that ive posted in both positive and negative ways.and its very encouraging too,knowing that their comments are authentic and sincere as they do not have to bluff to get me as they only knew me only from the tip of my pen;my keyboard in this age.i guess the satisfaction that i got from those sincere comments and critiques made me want to write even more and share the dramas that had been going on in my life with those people who had been following it,anonymously of course.

but okay shuushh all that.ive gotten a new blog to start with and thanks to the encouragement that ive been getting from people around me,i would say that ive been able to be posting my own piece as adah's,truly mine.
and what's great about that is that i can claim to people that '..oh,i have a blog too'
ive been keeping those words to myself this whole time and i think maybe its time for me to open up and let you have a glimpse into my life from the tip of my black ink pen.

now shushh there and let me think,what do i call my blog here..

*thinking hard* hmmm....