izinkan

i used to listen to izinkan a lot whenever i was having my down turn few years back.mun n nor called it my theme song.i always thought it was stupid to have anything thematic when you were in a relationship but i guess thats where i was wrong.when someone is in a relationship,they tend to be stupid.very stupid in some cases.no,im not referring to anyone in particular.ahah. :P
i am including myself within that stupid circle.look where i am now.big laugh.

so i was listening to malay songs on the youtube.and i was lying on the floor when izinkan pop up.i was stunned and automatically i sat up and stare into the screen.ngahahh.i havent heard this song for ages now.

Izinkan aku melafazkan isi hatiku
Kau yang satu, bagiku tiada lain darimu
Pasti ku kan ubati lukamu segala kemahuanmu, kuberi
Janjiku padamu hatiku hanya untukmu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untuk mu
Izinkan aku lafazkan isi hatiku
Masihkah aku
Bertakhta di hatimu
Janjiku padamu
Hatiku kau perlu tahu...
Mainanku igauanku hanya perasaan yang menular
Haruskah dirimu, membenci diriku
Kupohon maaf darimu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untukmu
Berikan diriku
Secebis senyum tawamu
Bagaikan mentari di hati
Bila kau kembali di sisi
Kau membawa erti hidupku ini

haa haa!!yerp i used to listen to this song a lot when i was in the finals.especially during the finals.sampai satu studio semua dah muak dengar lagu ni kite pasang kat speaker kuat2.because why,because we tend to fight and quarrel a lot whenever finals came approaching.well i need not mention here why but final were our most vulnerable time and we were both stressed out and exhausted catching up with the project submission that entertaining our 'other half' had became excessive and very tiring.especially on his part.ngahahaa nasib laa kann.it was,ahah,inevitable.and overwhelming.mane ade couple gaduh cekik cekik and tumbuk tumbuk kann.hahahaaaa something to laugh about now.not then,now.

oh well i dont know why i am writing about this here but i guess there are somewhat hopes that he will come across this piece.and if he ever did,there are so many things that i wanted to say to him.

hmm.where do i start?

terima kasih.
terima kasih sebab banyak benda kite belajar kat awak dulu.
percaye la kite memang adapt cakap awak walaupun awak tengok kite ni keras kepala gile mengalahkan batu.hahaaa
terima kasih sebab singgah dalam hidup kte (okay this sounds weird in malay) -> thanks for dropping by in my life and taught me values that werent easily grasped by words.
kite nak mintak maaf gak la kalau kite ade malu kan awak.
kite nak mintak maaf sebab kite salu gi sepak kereta awak dulu.ngehh ngehhh.open confession.
be a high flyer!kite tau cita cita awak tinggi.work for it!
jangan pakai baju yang kite bagi utk g ngorat pompuan.hishh selamber jer.
oh,kalau jumpe mun,go pick on her like the old times.suke tengok korang.hehe.
oh oh lagi satu.gambar2 kte banyak2 yang kite tumpang dalam laptop awak dulu,tolong burn kan cd untuk kite.kite takde copy la.hehe tq.

just so you know,you're the rare species of men left on this land.you might be cranky on the outside but you're worth more than those pulled together.live a good life! *wink*

and to his girl.i didnt mean to offend you with this post.i just wanted to say you're lucky.he is a good guy and he's more than what meet the eyes.and dont worry,im over him. :)

white flag.

thinking.do i have the courage to publish this post?hmmm............

short

i was finally there.the thought of going to the mosque excites me a lot.its not just the mosque but i t was actually the mosque.

22-12-2008 6:23 pm

i texted baba.

'Baba..i am currently standing before the Birmingham Central Mosque!'

'Imagine 30 years ago there. 27 Dec.'

'Yes.i purposely stop here to visit the mosque'

':-)'

short but meaningful.thats my baba :D

against the odds

im just asking myself why.

sometimes i thought of nurin and her never ending questions.why this and why that.and what this and what that.back to why this and why that.round up again to where this and where that.

'naim jalan.nurin tak pegi school.naim tired.nurin pun tired.' i have loved that cute little voice.i still do.bless her with all the grace in the world.

often i admire her self contentment.the way she brings herself.the way she mingles.the way she prays.the way she lifts that two little hands and says her own little prayer.the way she says ameen.the way she says yes to every words kakak instructed her to.the way she obeys her mother without reasonings.the way that innocent eyes have flicked whenever i tricked her into doing something wrong.

i used to be there.eighteen years ago i used to be 5 years old too.i used to be a small girl in skirts too.i used to have a small pair of hands too.and with those hands i used to hold izzat and kissed him innocently the way nurin had towards naim.i used to be like nurin.

but from the vague memory that i have,i was nothing like her.i was always the stone-headed brat.i was always a disgrace to myself.i caused troubles all the times.i ran in and out the house without warnings.i climbed out the window to catch an owl when i was suppose to be listening to the teacher in the class.and i was always the odd one.

i had been going against the odds all my life.why was never a question.sometimes i wish i have nurin's obedience.

i guess now,i have all the time in the world to ask myself why.
thank you Allah.thank you for giving me a time out to replenish myself.

i need mama.badly.

oh noooo

someone deleted all of his inbox.

umm.................

*silent*

i sure hope he could retrieve the email back.

good luck!! :D

saya pemakan besar

saya seorang manusia.
saya seorang manusia biasa.
saya seorang perempuan muda remaja.
saya seorang perempuan yang pandai menghargai makanan.

semalam saya makan nasi impit.
semalam saya makan kuah kacang.
semalam saya makan rendang.
semalam saya makan laksa penang!! :D :D
semalam saya makan pai dan krim lemak dengan sungguh banyak.

hari ini saya makan ketam masak lemak.
hari ini saya makan sambal sotong.
hari ini saya makan ikan keli.
hari ini kemudiannya juga saya makan lamb chop.

hari ini di malam hari saya menyedari tahap kolestrol yang tinggi makanan tersebut.
hari ini di malam hari saya sedang pening kepala.
hari ini di malam hari saya rasa otak saya tak center.

dan ketika di malam hari pula saya merasakan saya sedang kebuncitan.

hmmpphh! mengeluh sambil bersyukur.mengeluh kerana yakin ada kilo yang akan bertambah.bersyukur kerana rezeki Tuhan itu amat murah.

hmmmphhh!! mengeluh.mengeluh kerana seumpamanya nafsu makan ini liarnya di luar kawalan minda.

hmmmppphhh!!! mengeluh kerana nafsu makan yang tak terkawal ini sudah tentu memberi kesan sampingan terhadap seluar.

no.54

i went to view a house today and it was great!it was awwesome!!!it was lovely and it was hugeee..and it was crazily offered at a very competitive rate.it has some huge windows and very high ceiling.Georgian style building i suppose.
and i love this place.i dont just love this place,i think im in love with this place.if im now dreading my way back home to Upton Park,i could imagine myself smiling widely heading my way back to the new house.
mahu balik ke rumah tercinta untuk bercinta dengan rumah tercinta.
just like how i used to head my way home to turnpike lane.finally,things are getting rosy for me with the house issue i dreaded for few months now.i really hope to spend some quality time in my future home hence less merempating at other people's house.hehe.oh well,idora warned me not to lari to other places as this house is so huge she will be scared to be left alone at night.hehe ai ai ma'am.
so there was my activity for the day.i just cant wait to move into this house as soon as possible.
weee!~~ adah in love with her new crib.

the thought of mama is the soup for my soul

'how are you doing' mama asked.i havent been answering her previous phonecall as i didnt hear the phone and obviously she's worried about me.i was fine.

i remembered if i was not feeling well or had my down cycle,i used to seek comfort in mama.we used to go out shopping with mama or just strolling in the car and enjoy the one hour way home being stuck in the ever terrible traffic jam on the federal highway talking about my days and how it affected me.if i would have normally curse in my kelisa ramming my way through the ocean of cars,i would just drive on the left lane of the highway not bothering to overtake any of the cars because i really treasure the hours that we were 'trapped' together in the heavy near to standstill traffic.and its funny how we have to make appointments to go home together as i was normally spending long hours in the office and seldom left untill it was dark.

when ive landed a job at Phileo which is 200m away from IIUMatrics,mama was thrilled.now she can have a company to drive back and forth from work to home everyday.and having someone to talk with in the boring journey or simply keeping up with her daughter,it was a great idea.i was excited too.

but i guess it didnt work that way.i was a junior in the office and i really had a lot to learn.ahah save that craps.even if im not a junior in the office,i would still leave after sunset.the workloads are impossible.we often go home very late to finish our never-ending-ever-changing drawings.

so basically,i always reached home late at night because obviously i would be hungry and looking for food after the long hours in the office.and for all i knew the next thing i was doing was lepaking at mamak if im lucky enough,will be bangi or if not i will be out for food around kl.and by the time i was home,mama was fast asleep.and by the time i woke up the next morning,she was already on the road to work.

and not to mention the routine that she had where she used to call me twice daily just to talk to me even though we lived in the same house.the first would be in the morning to wake me up or warn me about the traffic towards pj since we were actually taking the same route and the second would be on her way home in the traffic jam,reminding me to have a short break and go out for dinner before diving back into the piles of drawings in the office.huhu mothers.

and when i practically stayed over at melati during the weekdays to make it easier for me to commute to work,we used to have lunch date together just to catch up stories during the week so that she wouldnt miss any part of my life an i get to spend more time with her.she was always present in my life and i love her for being very supportive in whatever i chose to do.

i smiled hearing her voice.it is stil the same voice even though the receiver that im hearing from is thousands of miles away from her.and she still sounds the same.and the same trick.she will call me on her way back home.i smile.i have missed this voice and she had read my mind from continents away.she had given me a ring because the mother instinct that she had was so strong it could surpass all the obstacles away.

mama,i love and miss you very much.

with love,
your daughter