60kilogram

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOUR YEARS IN A ROW

NAK MAKAN BANYAK BANYAK KASI BADAN NAIK SIKIT

2006

2007

2008

2009

can you see the differences?yes im expanding year by year :P
its been three years now that i have the same resolution and i think im continuing the same resolution for the fourth year in a row.but this time it's going to be more specific.im going to hit 60 on the scale.

omg thats how skinny i was!

go adah!!

1st January

31st December 2008

it was freezing cold out there.but hey its new year eve.it seems like everyone has plan for their new year eve.idura was busy on the phone setting up her plans with her friends.ima was getting ready to go out and see the fireworks.she'd waited the whole day for the night.i guess chris and beth are having friends over because i could hear some noise from below.julia and nicholas?ahah our beloved grandma and grandpa would be staying home i guess.its just not their time anymore :P

me?im lazying around i guess.ever since ive moved,i dont feel like going out a lot.in fact,i dont feel like doing anything at all.i just want to stay home in my bedrom lying on the bed lazying around pampering myself with all sorts of cream and scrubbing my feet,doing the nails blah blahh and the list goes on.there are just so many things to do in my room now i couldnt seem to get myself ready to go out.oh and i am stil in my robe even though the sun is already setting now. for the whole day i was in the robe.its cold.i just dont want to get out of the robe.

but seeing idura and ima getting ready,i felt like i wanted to go out too.i dont want to be left alone since that 'incident'.and ima bagi ayat pancing die.'nak ikut kitorang keluar ke nak duduk rumah dengan....'. shoot!having heard that i decided to join them.on the spot!pengecut gak sbenanye.hehe

so guess what time we went out?7.45pm.awal gile kot.and we arrived at the Westminster Bridge at 9.00pm.ahah.and guess when the fireworks start.yeah yeahh.name pun sambut new year.it started at 12.00am and we had 3 hours to kill!oh mann it was freezing cold!i asked myself if i could wait that long.there were lots of people hugging each other because the temperature was impossible.it was -3.i kept hugging ima and idura.and practiced the better trick; squeezing into the crowd and standing still amongst the ocean of people.and i really pity the babies in the prams.if they could write a diary,i bet the entry for the night will be 'i hate my parents for dragging me out in the cold when i could be sleeping comfortably in a warm court at home'.i bet on that! :P

na'aah.i didnt make it till 12.it was impossible for me.i was freezing cold.i wore 4 layers underneath but i was still shivering.i couldnt feel my nose.i was wearing gloves but my hands were numbs.and clever me,i wore a pair of canvas shoes.not helping!!my feet were frozen that i couldnt feel my toes when i was walking.and hell yeah,it hurts.and in my mind i was thinking, nak balik,nak balik..nak duvett....

and so i went back.straight home to the blanket and duvet and bertapa depan heater.oh it felt sooo goooood.

i switched on my lappy.konon2 nak layan Greys but ahah typical me,i slept halfway.all the way until midnight.

mama called.it was 230am.she called and talked as if she's next door.ive missed this voice.and she wished me a Happy New Year.welcome 2009.

hmm.2009.

1st January 2009.

and uhm a bit of reality check here.by year,i am 24.shoot!

siti iyliani JUWAHIR

was catching up with this girl and her story mory yang hangat hangat belaka.hot fm.ahah

siti iyliani juwahir.i like her name.haha.and im dedicating a post to her.so why her.hmm.let me put it this way.when i befriending a person,i look for values to build my respect and trust on that person.and babe,i just have so many respect upon u.i think u are one of those super girls left on this world.i hope we grow stronger and wiser for each and every obstacles that we managed to overcome.yes.im praying this for you.and me too :)

and so i went through our pictures back in KAED.i have to say that i was dreading to escape KAED and the ridiculously strict UIA campus then,but now when i look back,i miss those times.and i very much miss you too!and mun,nur,kak ckin,kak fatin and many others.time machine please?

here are some of the videos and pictures i found on my hard disk.big smile. :))

the night where moiz jadi our cameraboy

our multi-dip final.first year hahaa look so innocent

post-portfolio 2nd year 2nd sem.studio's gath

flight delayed!

measured drawing @ al-maridani

egypt

graduation.finally!

redah je trip to ganu :)

these two vids were from our post portfolio barbeque.

kak ckin n taro.my all time favourite couple! :)

sebenarnye bes kan time kite belajar dulu?

:)

my very own white duvet

the sky is blue.
the sun is shining brightly.
the dogs are running around catching frisbees.
the birds are chirping happily.

its been a beautiful day today.

lalala lala lala....

i am humming.
i am just happy.
isnt that apparent?

blind

i have to say he sacrificed a lot all the while he was with me.sometimes i could not believe it that we never made it to the altar.despite the hurting and the fights that we had,i have always knew that things will be okay again between us.it might look ugly now but we will make it through patching thing up between us and things will get rosy again.but i am wrong.things are rosy on the surface but i have been slowly killing his love for me.

three years together was a long way for us.we were always the golden couple in the faculty.i have loved those times that i skipped class just to join him out for a drink at the pisang goreng stall outside the rear gate.and the lunch time we spent together and the late nights we've stayed up together in the studio finishing our work trying to catch up with the deadlines.i have loved those moments.and he had been incredibly loving towards me.

but the night he said he could not do this anymore,i was shattered.27032006.the night he said he's had enough and the night he said yes,i still have a chance but he's keeping it for the future.in case fate will bring us back again.this night,i knew ive blew it.

he had taught me so much about life.about love.about 'you and me'.about 'us'.about patience.about tolerance.about sacrifices.

those were the unspoken words.those were the values i learnt observing him.those were the values i was lacking and he's successfully planted them in me and at time he thinks im whole,he sets me free.free to the real world.free to the open world.he's done his part and im left alone in the cock pit to maneuver my own plane.

but i didnt want him to leave.i was scared.i was scared to maneuver my way.i needed him.badly.i needed his guidance.i needed his hands to hold mine.i needed his eyes to tell me its allright.i needed his comforting embrace to make me feel safe.safe from the blunders around me.safe from everything.i was left scared to find my own path.and i was scared that i'll lose him.forever.

and at this point i realized that ive done too much damage.damages that cannot be undone.damages that will leave scars that will forever mark his heart.wounds that have caused so much pain in him.wounds that have caused him drifting away from me.and wounds that have made me realized how much he's worth and how much i wanted to heal them.the point that i comprehended how much i have hurt him is the exact point that i realized i love him to the bits.

but it was too late.i have been gradually killing his love towards me.

lifehouse was singing on the radio.i could still hear it in my ears.i was in my car.parked in front of my faculty.watching him leave.watching him in my rear view mirror as he turned around and headed his way.

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

i drove home with tears.tears that came down my cheek without warnings.tears that soon streamed down with the rush of water coming out from the dam.this is hard.this is unbearable.ive lost him.ive loved him more than he could ever knew but ive lost him.ive loved him with every beat of my heart but he would never know.because despite all the love i have for him,the only thing that i havent grasp while being with him is frank talking.i could never pour my heart out and i could never lay those words even at the most crucial time.tears take over my speech but they have done no good for me.the words were stuck in my throat.'i love u,all my heart i do.i really do' were the only words i managed to blurt out.no explanation.no defending myself.no argument.no nothing.just these eleven words uttered repeatedly.

a part of me died when I let you go...

family

Ely texted me this morning.she apologized for not being able to meet me before going back to Sheffield.i felt bad too.she had to wait for hours last tuesday for me.and by the time we were in the car playing bee and mmm game,she was too tired and too lazy to even think of the answers.hehe Ely next time datang kte masak masak kat umah baru adah eh? :D ::D

Syukri called.he's been trying to call me the last few days to notify me that he's already in London.he said he called and texted but received no replies from me.i was unreachable.but he was lucky to meet our friend at msd who gave him my new number.and so we met for lunch on the boxing day.we exhanged our travel experiences as both of us had just got back from our road trip around the UK.and uhumm thanks to the newspaper bergerak london,Syukri already knew about the scratch thingy.but he layed cool and played his part buat2 terkejut dengar adah cte as if he's just heard it for the first time because the newspaper bergerak told him not to tell me that he knew.pandaii Syukri berlakon ehh.

Hanef called.they went to Harrods and M&S today for shopping.apparantly these two started their sale on the 27th unlike others.and so we decided to meet up for dinner at melur.family.im meeting my family after few months here.Pak Andak and Mak Andak greeted me with smile and comfort.smile that im very much familiar with and comfort that could only come from my own blood.and believe it or not after years,i was talking to Hanef again.we catched up and took pictures to show Tok Mak that of all places in the world,we met for dinner here in London.
they are going back to Manchester tomorrow as Hanef is working there and both the parents will depart home next friday.for an instance,i envy Hanef for having his parents with him.

i was walking home in the cold when Syukri called.he's already in the bus heading towards Warwick after 3 weeks travelling.he said he only has a week left to qada' tidur before his classes will start again and he will have to get back to the old routine.heyy heyyy he's suppose to be my removal service for tomorrow but he's gone back.he laughed and said next time.ahah.i hope there wont be next time after this.

mama replied my text.ive been texting with her for the last 3 hours.
'uh...huh...u kept me up half d nite!anyway i hope u learnt that fear is a lot in d mind and mainan syaitan.Love :)'

today is 27th December 2008.and it was on this date last 30 years that arwah Atok gave away Mama's hand for marriage.Baba and Mama were then united at the Birmingham Central Mosque.

today has been one of the happiest day in London for me.the idea of family has always manage to help me pull my inner self together and strengthen my will.and having met them all this winter hols means more than what i could express with words.

thank you Baba and Mama.thank you for having faith in your family and your children.and making me believe that true love does exist in real life.

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY to Baba Mama :)

who would have thought

it was the most cracking news for the past few days but it wasnt anything that anyone wanted to hear.it was the most dreading news one could ever receive.

i logged on to facebook and those lines were really a shock to me.i thought they were just joking or pulling a prank but it seems like almost all my studiomates were having similar shout outs.and so out of my curiosity i hurried to get the details from my cousin about the truth of the rumours and this is what he had to say:

zarrul aizat: pecah kaca pecah gelas,kene kaca dipeha pangkal
darah curah antah banyaknya
kaki kiri tokono jua
adah: apekahhh..
cte laa
zarrul aizat: cite sebenar,arwah je yg tau,..
die sorg je dalam bilik tu
pas kene, die merangkak keluar bilik VIP room
adah: arwah meninggal dalam bilik die kat kaed ke?
zarrul aizat: meninggal dalm ambulan uia,kat roundabout selayang
adah: VIP room yg tmpt kte salu wat presentation tu ke?
zarrul aizat: Aah..kt situ ade exhibition heritage, esok lusa kne present kat menteri besaq kedah,kne transfer sume model ke kedah,
die mungkin terjatuh di atas kaca itu lalu berselerakan memasuki peha-nya
dekat 12 cm tusukan kaca menembusi arteri utama
sian die,sebelum kena, die masuk studio 5th year dulu, tanye "mane budak2 ni sume"..budak2 sume da balek ,tinggal matpa dan den ganu sahaja


it was unthinkable.who would have thought handling architecture models can be fatal.who would have thought worrying about an exhibition could cause a life.who would have thought kaed could be a hazardous area.who would have thought we would never ever see him anymore.

tya buzzed me.with that she sent me a link to an IIUM blogger who wrote about the news.and he posted the picture of the entrance to VIP room that were trailed with blood that puddled at one spot where he stopped and helped by students.it was a lot.i could still see the picture whenever i close my eyes.its been haunting me these past couple of nights.

its that corridoor.its that corridoor and it brought back thousands of memories from my past.its that corridoor that i passed by every time im going to the surau.its that corridoor that i passed by thousands of time to get to his studio.its that corridoor where i used to chat and laugh with nor and mun trying to cheer each other after long hours in the studio.its that corridoor we used to jump and run catching one another entertaining ourselves just like many others.its where mun and i had dropped our eggshell for our fun project when we were in our first year.its that corridoor that i used to loiter around gossipping with the girls.its that corridoor that i used to spent hours with him.its where i used to had frank talk with dayah.its where i used to cry and sob when he said everything is going to be okay.and that exact corridoor is now marked with blood that will stick in all kaedians mind.forever.

Al-Fatihah to Allahyarham Dr. Syukri.

he was a great lecturer.he encouraged students to think in a different prespective backed by the philosophies.be it design studios or history lectures,he had his own way of making students absorb the essence of the subject and let us find the meaning and share our thought with the whole class.he always wanted students to speak in his class.he will listen and correct us where ever he thought he should.he encouraged critical thinking and never forget to pull us back to the ground reminding us to back our design with reasonings.

i remember my final second year project for the marina club house.he was the only lecturer who backed my design because he understood my intention and philosophies when i was slammed by all others.he was the only one who gets the point and lead my way through the design stage untill i managed to produce my final product.it may not be the best yet of my work but i was very much gratified with it because for the strictest requirement,i get to design my project with passion and satisfaction.

Allah itu lebih sayang kepada orang yang beriman.

may Allahyarham rest in peace and placed amongst the mukminin.

the book is now closed for yet another person thats very dear to many of us. may the depart of our beloved lecturer makes us all think how short life is and how unpredictable death is.

and i am just another sinner in this world.i pray to Allah that He will give me chance to live a good life that will prepare me to the hereafter.Ameen.