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and i see myself walking the streets of london.my journey had been a long one.and yet i still think i have not had enough of it.i could have gone back to my place but ive decided to wait.theyve gone out to ikea to buy new stuff for their new pad.it was a full round of one hour wait but its okay.bless them for providing me a roof over my head.and providing me with some companion and shelter me from horrendous emotional breakdown.yes,they were my emotional supplement.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...

life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.

we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.

hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.

izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.

endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....

im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.

i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!

living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.

i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.

terrrr

kamu sungguh terencat.bila kamu rasa terencat kamu megecat.apakah kamu ingat apabila kamu mengecat kamu bole terlepas dari segala cercatan?kadang kadang kerencatan minda boleh membuatankan kamu dilumur cat.maka si tukang cat.silalah campurkan cat cat yang ada agar warna dinding dinding ini cantik belaka ;)