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and i see myself walking the streets of london.my journey had been a long one.and yet i still think i have not had enough of it.i could have gone back to my place but ive decided to wait.theyve gone out to ikea to buy new stuff for their new pad.it was a full round of one hour wait but its okay.bless them for providing me a roof over my head.and providing me with some companion and shelter me from horrendous emotional breakdown.yes,they were my emotional supplement.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...

life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.

we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.

hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.

izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.

endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....

im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.

i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!

living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.

i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.

terrrr

kamu sungguh terencat.bila kamu rasa terencat kamu megecat.apakah kamu ingat apabila kamu mengecat kamu bole terlepas dari segala cercatan?kadang kadang kerencatan minda boleh membuatankan kamu dilumur cat.maka si tukang cat.silalah campurkan cat cat yang ada agar warna dinding dinding ini cantik belaka ;)

i was so nervous

i did. i was so nervous i felt like passing out. i was soo nervous my stomach could not take the roti bakar mamak i ordered for my breakfast. in fact i was so nervous i felt like throwing out!

urghh..okay enough with the drama.

today i went to attend an interview at Veritas for a short attachment / internship / training or whatever other terms you want to call it.i just thought well since im going back to school this september i better get myself grounded in architecture again.umm that doesnt sound right.i was mean to say that well,since ive been away from architecture itself for about a year now,the smart thing to do before getting back to school empty headed is to get a feel of it again and hopefully by these short attachments,i could grasp the essence or mood or the 'feel' that will prepare me for the coming 2 strainfull year.ouch i could feel it on my bone now. :s

the interview went well without any hiccups in which i was so grateful for.Alhamdulillah.and to make things short,ive nailed it.at first i thought it will be almost impossible for any company to accept me for the extremely short period of time what more to be welcomed by a high profiled company like them but i guess they are generous enough to offer me a placement with a belief that i can learn quite a lot while im with them provided that i myself am willing to put an extra effort to prove them that its worthwhile hiring me than those many other pending applicants.

and i know when i said 'im up for the challenge,' i made a big promise not only to them but also to myself to prove them what a Raudhah is worth.

huhuhuwaaa ayat berkobar kobar!!!!

oh well......

meantime,im still having kecut perut n all other nervous syndroms i had this morning.yes the interview was over successfully and yes im starting next week after im done with btn but no,these syndroms arent leaving.infact they got worst and started to give me high blood pressure.arghhhhh

errr please pray that i'll make it through this intensive 6 weeks insyaAllah.ameen

:S

home

2.37 am

and i cant sleep.oh well ive been sleeping the whole day it seems like its impossible to sleep now.the thought of being able to ride again excites me a lot.but thing is baba has got his bowling tournament tomorrow and i dont feel like going down to the stable on my own.i had a look at my equipments and they are still doing good.my breeches are still in a good condition but i couldnt find my glove anywhere.oh yeah i need to find myself a good chap soon.haha i know i know its not that im really good at it.but i have all the interest in equestrian and i find it a very fullfilling sport.

naah.put that aside.i wont make it for tomorrow being awake as late as now.and ema quits trotting.she finds it boring.blerhh whatever.

oh im sneezing again.i havent got this sinus problem since the past 12 months but here i am sneezing like all it matters.mama put me downstairs in the guest room to 'quarantine' me in fear of H1N1.i laughed but it is actually a good idea.atleast i got to sleep in the air cond.well its not that im being fussy here but hmm the heat is really getting on my nerve.and think of hot+humid.not good.i felt sticky and sweaty all day.yesterday i had shower after midnight because i felt sticky and sweaty.oh well it was a quick shower and so to extend the time i spend in the bathroom,i washed it from walls to the floor and from the mirrors to the wc.i spent hours in the bathroom early in the morning and as soon as i stepped out from the bathroom i saw the air cond.and i cursed myself.why did i have to go through all those scrubbing and polishing in the bathroom just to create an excuse to play with the water when i could just switch on the air cond and lie down comfortably without having my nails broken.hmm.but then i thought.oh well at least i know the bathroom is cleaned.happy thoughts =)

mila came yesterday and we had a loooooong talk.haha i know its just a talk but one thing you dont know is that its different talking to mila.she read me well and i love it.and i stupidly humiliate myself (as always) because i wore the same pattern shawl that i bought for her from Tie Rack.konon2 presentation dah cantik i gave it to her in a beautiful white Tie Rack box but then i remembered shoot i am wearing the same shawl.cepat2 bukak tudung n pretended like nothing happen but it couldnt be concealed anymore because it was so obvious.haha.oh well atleast you know that im still the clumsy adah u knew before =P

and oh i had dinner with kak aza n abg alfi before that.they are as happily married and i pray for their tiny tot to come soon.soooooonnnnnn.hehe.

aint it good to be home. =)

this journey

im dreading...

knowing the fact that i'll return here and things wouldnt be the same,im dreading my journey tomorrow..i want to stay here for as long as it can be for the way things are now...

*sobs*

silent

uhhh its actually me..and its raining on my cheek...:(

lihat di kanan --->

hehe

cuba lihat di kanan..yeayy ive put the toll hit counter sebab ive started publishing my blog link kat facebook!haha perak..i know i know lambat gleee ade blog baru nak letak..but heyy im opening up remember? :D :D

write summore soon..meantime got packing to do..

the clock is ticking fast

expressing my thought and writing a day to day feed are two different things.hmmm.

ookay i get it.

i know i should write more interesting feeds rather than just the unspoken words in my head.but heyy im trying to open up here okayy.

i'll keep trying and i think i really should soon.i guess the thought of being in such the distance scares me.a lot.we're going to be far apart so im going to write the updates more regularly so you will know what is happening.hopefully we'll have a good time while we're still here.

tic tic tic tic tic........

jam tolong cepat sikit jalan boleh tak?adah nak gi dating petang nanti.. ^-^