hushh raudah..he's an english!

20112008

i was just doing the daily routine that i do when im in this place.i wasnt feeling well today but i just get on with stuff.i had fever days before and i havent fully recovered.i was still weak but i still want to come in for work.i love this place.so i just get on serving the hungry customers as they came in and made their selection of these lovely malaysian cuisine.i just love serving these local people and watching them enjoying malaysian cuisine.my cuisine.

and i smiled as i always do.once a customer said to me, 'how do you manage with that smile all your day.'i laughed.oh well he just made me smiled more.
jones said he will only come here either on friday or saturday.'yes the food is nice but this place wouldnt be the same without your smile on every other days,raudah'.awww arent they sweet?

but today i wasnt as friendly because i still felt a bit sore.and thank God,it was a bit quiet today so i get to rest every now and then.and pak bong was very nice to me he cooked a hot soup and asked me to dig in so i can get well soon.'very soon.' he said.

it was around 7 when a couple came in and as i was busy serving them,another three teenagers came in and so another two guys.pakwe came to help behind the counter and served the three while i finished with the couple and get on with the two guys.only the blonde haired guy made his order for chicken laksa and some banana buttons while the other just smiled and stood back,i could felt his eyes were on me as i move back and forth behind the counter.ive got the money from the blonde guy and went on to the tall guy with short brown hair,a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a very nice smile.i turned to him and he smiled.

'hi raudah.u dont remember me do you'

'harry' a handsome guy like you?of course i remember you!

'i thought u have forgotten me'

'i dont.u did'

'i did?'

'u said ure coming in again before i finish my shift at half past six but you didnt.i waited for you' i pulled a face.and yes i did wait for him.he came in last saturday not to buy the food but just to say hi to me.i finish at 630 and so he said he'l drop in before i finish my shift to catch up with me.
he laughed.a cute one and smiled sheepishly.

'oooh.i thought u have forgotten me.okay okay.i am very sorry that i didnt drop by the other day.it was a very busy day and i stayed back until 10pm.' and he winked.

'oh realy?oh well im sorry then' puzzled and stuttered.puzzled because i was thinking what did i just do??and stuttered finding the right word to say.and im about to blush.rewinding the past few seconds in my head.macam tgh merajuk dgn boyfren la plak.okay.i blushed.

'uhm..' i grin.no appropriate smile could come out now.only grin.

'yea i always make sure to drop by this place every thursday and saturday to meet you.'

'so come over this saturday.i finish at 630 but i'l wait for u' he finishes his shift at 7.and omg im hitting on this guy!!

'yes sure and i'l make sure of that!'

the blonde haired guy was standing there all along watching us talk.he's got his food and he's ready to go.

'so i wil see u on saturday,raudah' harry said as he walked out of the door.he waved and he winked.

and there i was standing behind the counter,smilling.a broad one. :)

writing with my eyes closed

i just have this great feeling of being able to smile again.i saw it today and without hesitating,i smiled.and i dont know what or how or where the courage had came from but i just smiled.and yes me,i just smiled.

i guess fantasies are not to be lived.fantasies are just too beautiful that they are to remain as fantasies.fantasies are just too great that we'll end up in resentment trying to realize it in real life.

its a simple fact.and so i learnt.

life is never ending-ly filled with dramas.it doesnt matter how i put in words that my life is tiring or full of dramas or many other excitement,there will always be other peoples' lives that are not any short of such events.there will always be peoples' lives that are more tiring than mine.that were filled with more wicked dramas than mine.and of course there are others with more life excitement than mine.

life is interesting.life is full of excitement.life is tailored the way one leads his life.and that makes it incomparable between one another.

and so we move on with life.i move on with life.waking up hoping that today will be better than yesterday.hoping that today will feel better than yesterday.hoping that today will patch the wound that yesterday could not.hoping that today will hushh the anger away.hoping that today will heal the pain from yesterday.

but there's always the fact that we often neglect.

the pain is always going to be there.we gradually get over the pain.it doesnt go away but its just became easier to live with.sometimes it takes weeks.sometimes it takes months.sometimes it takes years.but eventually we'll come to the point where we only think of them occassionally.

so i smiled.it was a happy smile.i was being happy for it.but i knew the pain is always there.maybe ive just came to the point where i am immuned with the pain that i didnt realize it is even there.but it is there and it is always going to be there.

but im indifferent now.even if the pain is there i could not feel it anymore.im stone hard and i just couldnt care less.i just need to get on with life and live the norm.

and so i smile.i have always been smiling and i will always do.even if i dont feel like to,i will still smile.even if i feel crushed with pain,i will still smile.because a stranger's smile always makes my day.and i dont know whose life will i touch when i put on the smile on my face.

and i still feel awkward knowing people that i knew is reading this.

happy birthday love! xxx

ATTENTIONNNN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

i would like to announce to everyone that today is my besties' birthday and i love her very much and i wish her all the happiness in the world..

let us all sing together with me..



and this is my birthday present for you love..



i might not be there but i hope im always present in your life..i hope you will get a year wiser and 365 more of lovely days with your mr. kambeng..

kind regards,
your other half. xxx

me two precious gems

they've grown up!

nurin and naim have been growing up so fast and im missing the most adorable part of their life.the changes might not be visible for nurin but it sure was noticeable for naim.

i am closer to nurin because ive seen her grow up before my eyes and somehow i felt like there's this bonding between the two of us.and i tend to spoil her too.dont get me wrong,she has always been a good girl,if not trouble-free girl and has always been obedient-if you say dont touch for instance,she really wont touch the thing ever again.hail kakak for the superb upbringing she had instilled in nurin.i love to buy her stuffs because i like to see the look in her eyes when she's got something she hasnt expected.n she just melt my heart away i could never say no if she ask me for anything.hugs and kisses!!! xxx

while naim is the total opposite of nurin.the more you say no,the more he's determined to continue with whatever that he was doing.he is mischievious but i would say in an innocent way because if you see on his face,there's always the wisdom lines on his forehead that shows that he's constantly thinking; ever so curious about the stuffs around him.i used to ignore naim in other people's presence because he was sooo gorgeous and adorable,everybody wanted to play with him and have him in their lap.and at the end of the day he'll come crawling to me wondering why didnt i get all excited to pinch his fluffy cheek or mess with his curly hair or simply play with him.thats then i'l take him to my acknowledgment and play with him.i would say he has the look of mr romeo to be so im practicing a bit of playing-hard-to-get with him and it seems to work.haha sheepish that is.but he truly is adorable.

anyhoo here are some pictures of them,the two gems in my life.oh the number will change soon as kakak is expecting her 3rd child and abang is expecting his first kiddo.yeayy!! :D :D :D

i just love these two lovely babies.no matter how much theyve grown or how one day they'll be adults,they'll always be babies to me.

mwahxxx rindu sangat kat win n naim tauuuu

what the hell im doing here

you're so fucking special.

i wish i was special.

im a creep.im a weirdo.

what the hell im doing here.

i dont belong here....i dont belong here..............



i wish i was special...

youre so fucking special................

some unoriented writing..the girl with the french hat

as i walked by tesco,i saw a bunch of workers gathered around a bollard just opposite the hole in the wall cash machine.there were 6 of them.i suppose they were discussing matters about the construction that was taking place.it looked as though there was a problem with the construction going on and probably the foreman was discussing matters with some cleaner guy who were the only one without the safety helmet,safety boots and jeans that were covered in dust and dirt.taking advantage of the situation,the other 5 workers had a fiver where some lay their back against the bollard while others make a circle and had a good laugh among themselves. it was a good chat i suppose as they seem to be enjoying their company when suddenly a girl walked by these 5 guys and the chattering that took place drifted away.all eyes were on the passer by.she was plump.naah i think plump is not the right word.she was voluptuous.she was a tall fine young lady that might be in her early twenties and was in her best state.oh well i dont know how she is in her best condition but she surely was very presentable and a bit vogue i thought.nope she wasnt wearing anything extravagant but she really pulled it off with that cream french hat she had on and the big silver ring earring with the tight red top,some nice slim belt on her waistline and a very nice pair of boots i was about to say 'hellooo boots' to it.the buttons to her coat were undone and along with a nice mellow beige scarf that was hanging on her neck,her brown hair was flaring behind her as she walked.i suppose she was late as she walked rushingly but i have to say she walked with grace.she walked in a line and looked as though she was marching on the runway.
she definitely was a head turner.the guys couldnt get their eyes off her.it was amusing to be watching the scene and i giggled when their jaw eventually dropped and their head turned to send off the goddes that i bet was making their day for the morning.it was almost spontaneous and it happened within less than 2 minutes but they had a big grin on their face with some of them even had their eyes rolled.i wouldnt thought that as flirtatious.it was just natural.men will always be men.and they were just appreciating some work of art and in some way,making the girl's morning knowing she'd been admired.it worked both ways and they helped her boost her self confidence though i could see that her face was turned red and i guessed she was feeling shy being stared at from top to toe.but she truly was a goddess.she had my head turned too and ahah this might be embarassing but i was checking her out too.i was impressed.for a typical girl i would categorize her as plump but she sure knew how to appreciate her body and her curves appeared sexily voluptious receiving much appreciation.
now tell me,who says you have to be size zero to feel pretty when you can have all the good food in the world and still feel good about your body.i watched some documentary of celebrity diets about their healthy and balance diet and i pity them for that.thier idea of a balanced diet brings starvation into the picture,my framed imagination,one that i couldnt imagine for having some little tiny winy food on the plate that were supposed to provide the right balance of carb,protein and whatever nutrition for our body.and lets not start with all those herbal organic food they indulged in(they seemed so or maybe just putting on a happy face swallowing some raw tasting greens).believe me i used to have those algae(or whatever thats called) myself and it tasted like grass,well not that ive had grass before,yet they were selling it insanely expensive as it was claimed to be good for your health in particular bla bla bla.i couldnt care less.why do i have to be a cow feeding on some expensive grass when i can have all the good food that are there to dig in.
with these words being laid,i meant no offence to the vegetarians out there.these are just my little piece of mind on the idea of eating greens,raw.dont get me wrong,i do like green vegetables and i do eat vegetables.its just that,i dont eat just any of it raw.yes we have salad and all but grass??that maybe just a little too much innit?
oh well.back to the main thing here,i think all girls should be gratefull with whatever size they are having on their clothing label.not everyone was born with some frames that and some girls werent even all we have to do is making some effort on our experience and walla we can be whoever we want in our own skin.i know i know that this is much easier said than being done.i tend to be ungratefull about my body too,thinking iv always wanted some longer legs so they will look good in that pair of jeans i just bought,or maybe some smaller frame so i could fit in most dresses easily and urghh i really think my pair of hands are just too big for this wrist and huh dont get me started on my feet-theyre enormous that im finding a hard time fitting for shoes!(milla,u noe this right.huhu).yurp i too grumble about myself and being a self-contracditiry here but i am not a model nor a super goddess who were born with plain beauty.i am just me just like millions of girls out there.and we girls share a common anymosity;the scale and the mirror.
being out there this morning truely made my day.i am telling myself that from today onwards i will stop(or try to stop)grumbling about my body and appreciating it more as i was made perfectly fit for myself.maybe i could put on a little more weight if i felt like or lose a few kilos whenever i need to but im surely not going to torture my body into some cruel starvation.this french hat girl that i was talking about surely was a great example to all of the girls out there and i felt much better now.
hmm.now that i feel good about myself,maybe i could have a treat of some crunchy crushed oreo sprinkled over a mouthfull bowl of icecream.anyone? :)

mina mr. yaawwwww

okay yesterday was one hell of a funny story..hmm since ive started my blog in the middle of my so called 'new beginning' here,i might have missed a few occasions to share with you.but heyy no worries cuz i'll definitely have flash backs in my writings here.

to start things off,let me tell you that im currently house hunting.yes house hunting that is.my housemate had gone back to Malaysia for good(which i envy her for that) and i had to move out from our cosy little heaven that we used to love staying in, 41b Sydney Road N8 0ET.

oh well its not that i have to move out but i figured i couldnt be living alone in that house.ill go insane living alone not having anyone to talk to and to mumble to neither could i live there without looking forward to be meeting kak nana when i got home (and be shouting 'honeyy im home' down the stairs having kak nana welcoming me at the end of the flight saying 'hows your day,darling', our own little play ;P ) nor could i sleep alone on that bed without having my living thermostat heater(yes she was) at the other side of the cold bed before i could crept in between the duvet and fell into a deep sleep,having them all warmed up before hand(i always said 'kak nana,jomla tdo' whenever i was sleepy.huhuu.rinduu).

nope.i cant live here alone.i love this place.jatuh cinta from the first time i came for viewing.but tony wouldnt allow any other people to replace nana's spot(mind you,we had an intense interview with him before we were allowed to stay there) and that means,either im staying alone,or i go.and i cant.i really cant stay alone.
so i packed my stuff(and it took me days to finish packing.sigh~) and on the holy day of Eid,i head my way out of this little heaven to a new place in Upton Park.
good bye 41b.good bye mini gym.good bye mr. froggy,my prince charming.good bye tub(i spent an hour daily in the tub and i love it :(.good bye kitchen.good bye bed.good bye lounge.good bye love.good bye house.good bye sydney road.good bye turnpike lane. *sobbing*

thus here i am in upton park.but having lived in a little heaven or so i called it,i found every little things to complaint about this new place.im not entirely happy with this place and its location didnt help much.little madras i would call this place.no the house that im living in currently is okay but the place in the bigger context,im not really fond of.i used to have smiles whenever im going back to turnpike lane but i am indifferent heading home to upton park.i cant go on like this.i need to find a new place.

so the search begin.

i went on Gumtree and started searching for rooms to let and found quite a few that fell within my budget range with great locations.edgware road.where the hell could you get a room for gbp80 per week down there.but heyy i found some and i drop them a line.and one of those that i had contacted was mina.and this was what the ad said:

large studio flat sharing . i need nice person only girls . inc all the bells . for 75pw .
mina samir.

mina.tell me what would you have in mind?it sounded like a girl.so okay i gave this mina a ring.
i dialled his number and waited in anticipation.and the line was getting thru.
truut truut.truut truut.
then suddenly i heard a guy's voice at the other end.i started to choke.i thought i am calling for a girl.i lost my words for a while then i went on.'uh hello,can i speak to mina please'.i didnt ask much for the details.i arranged for a viewing to be held on the coming monday.it was all arranged and im due to meet him at 6pm monday.

immediately i messaged jeff to accompany me for the viewing.i started to have bad feelings.he had class until 5 therefore he would be available to come with me to see the flat.furthermore,its just few minutes away from his house and so we promised to meet up at M&S.but it was raining and it wasnt the hay rain like how the londoners are used to.it was a heavy down pour and poor jeff,he was soaked in the rain.i felt bad for dragging him along.i did.i really did.

we waited for mina to come and fetch us from Argos.i told jeff that i had a weird feeling about this mina guy.he advertised it for girls only but he himself is a guy.just a little reminder here,i dont really have any experience for this sort of business.jeff however assured me that maybe this mina guy is just letting out the room for another person.he could be the landlord or agent and doing it on the behalf of another girl.i was a bit relieved when i heard that.

then this guy came.he was a middle east man,probably in his 20's and not to deny,with a nice feature too.he was a nicely built young man and he was dressed in a black leather jacket and he's got this suave facade.ahah not architecturally.i was meant to say appearance :P

we walked a long way to his house.apparently we were waiting at the other side of edgware road and his flat was located more towards the marylebone road.his flat was at the basement but i thought its okay because basement in london had became a proper dwelling for londoners and you can really find some nice basement flats as such ive seen at bayswater.

but ahah.thats a loooooooong way from those of bayswater's.his flat particularly didnt seem to look like a flat at all.at least not for a proper living for most people because i could see he was quite settled down there.uhhmmm.let me start from the very beginning; the entrance to the flat.there was nothing wrong with the entrance door except for the fact that it was unnumbered and left unlock.oh no not even properly shut.i didnt see any effort from him to shut the front door.i suppose the door was purposely left open but heyy for what?it wasnt even summer if heat was being the issue to leave the door open.the flat was located at the main street and they could have easily invited some robbers(okay this is not malaysia),thieves to perk into his flat and steal things.uhmm as i walked down the stairs towards the entrance,i started piling question marks in my head.and it looked as though the compilation of the question marks was not stopping any time soon....

we stepped into the flat and it was dark in there.he opened the first door on our left hand side using his set of keys(now only i could see some use of keys) and lead me in.it was hmmmm scary i would say.the room was big,that was not arguable.he had two beds in the room.one double bed was located at the nearest right corner from the door and a single bed located at the right far end of the room.in between these two beds lies two bedside tables for both the beds and a 3seater sofa complete with a coffee table that you can rest your feet on and rilex.on the left side of the door,there was a row of cupboards for storage and he had many racks that were used to place his tv and all the stereos that he had.at the left end of the room,there was a small door,i would say its not the standard size as the height might be less than the standard 2100mm that lead into a shower room.

okay maybe it wasnt that scary when u read it the way ive put it.but trust me it was!first of all the condition of the room was unacceptable.it was a shabby room with a very little window which means very few sun that could penetrate in to lighten up the room.the room was not in its best condition (even if it was,i couldnt tell) and the furniture were all worn out.the sofa has got patches on it and a bit smelly i would say.and the shower room.urghh scarryyy.i opened the door to peek in and it was like a store in there.the door was obstructed by a pail and the whole room was dark.i only peek in a little.i need not see the whole thing.euuwww.

i didnt want to stay long in the room so i stepped out.jeff was out there waiting for me.i could see the expression on his face as he himself i suppose,was shocked to see this place.okay maybe i was talking about the room.lets step out into the common area.oh wait is there any common area there??na'ah..none!the rest of the flat was a dungeon and i mean it.if bats were to live in the heart of london,i would know that one of their home would be mina's flat.that i can tell you for sure.it was quite spacious out there but they treated the corridor like a dump site.

next to mina's door was a stove cooker.or at least that was what it's suppose to be.obviously it wasnt functioning.it was in its worst state.i would describe the stove as one of those in the restaurant's kitchen-the size were nothing of those for domestics use.but it looked like the thing was covered in dust of cements and sands.wherever that should come from.i couldnt figure that out.i was terrified.i was imagining some rats playing around on the stove as seen in the movies.there was another big machine of the stove's kind next to it.i couldnt tell what that was.then there was another door that lead to two rooms.and to add the misery of my visit there,i could see 3 guys of his kind was lying around in that room topless revealing their bulu bulu heyy.i was terrified and turned away.i wouldnt have the guts to peek in the room.

then mina told me at the end of the hallway was the toilet.it was,hmmm,disgusting.i had my forehead lined.what the hell was this??then on the right hand side of the corridor was a huge space.i would have guess it was the allocated space for the kitchen.i didnt had a proper look into those spaces but i could tell it was big.but i wonder why were there so many buckets of paints and probably bags of cements.and it casually went out my mouth 'oh i see you're having construction down here'.you would have thought the same.it was the only common sense that could answer why the place was so run down.probably there was some renovation work going on and they sort of left the places unkempt for tomorrow's work.but i guessed wrong.mina's expression changed.and i could guess he could tell by the look on my face that it was purely a sensible question.i looked at jeff and he himself looked puzzled.

we headed towards the door.i wouldnt want to spend another minute down there.just about the time we were heading to the door he invited us to come into his room and have a little chat.jeff was at the front and he made his way into the room.again.urghh.mina invited us to sit so we did.and suddenly he shut his door and i started to panic.i could never tell what kind of guy he is.he had about 3 or 4 old school hand phones jeff described them as stolen cells arranged on his bedside table.jeff had his head turning,he had his phone ready with emergency number-in case anything happen he could just dial up the number and scream for help.but of course,that didnt happen.

jeff started to ask who is the room mate.then he said it was him.ooohhhkayyyy.i was startled.jeff did all the talking.i couldnt believe what i saw just now,what more to be hearing these craps.
and so jeff went on.
'so where is she going to sleep then'
'she can have this bed'he walked toward the single bed and sat on the bay.'this is a heater bed you know,so you wont be cold when you sleep in the winter'.then he undid his 3 top buttons revealing his chest hairs and the blink blink hoppers necklace i would say that he has on his neck.
'i am not around most of the time.i come home from work at 6 and go to the gym until 9.so you will have a lot of privacy'.privacy?did he said that word privacy??i could almost fainted.if i am going to need some privacy,it would be best when im going to sleep and surely i wont trust him to be sleeping in the same four walls with me without risking myself.oh well,not that im thinking to.ohhh.God forbid.please.

i was stunned with the place bad enough and he was just adding to my misery with the offer.and i bet it was transparent and showed on to my face.i didnt want to be rude.well not at that very moment as anything could happen to me and jeff if say,to the worst of our thought,he starts attacking us.and dont forget the 3 topless guys in the other room.uuuhu i dont want us to get into any troubles so i tried hard to shuusshh my expressions away.i couldnt find any words to say and jeff was silent.i bet he ran out of words.mortified with this whole thing.then i saw the remotes.'oh u have sky.thats nice.'it came out sounding like im interested to this place.desperately putting up some interested face trying not to be rude.then he went on with other stuffs and started about the rent.okay,that i left jeff to handle with.my eyes were already on the door knob.

i didnt listen to the rest of the conversation but the next thing i knew we were already heading towards the door.i said good bye to him and jeff assured him that we will call back to confirm with him.which,obviously we did not.the place was so run down i could never imagine anyone could live down there.what more picturing myself walking in and out that corridor.yucks.it was a dungeon and one hell of a scary one.

it was still raining outside.but we couldnt care less.we just walked through the rain and kept on walking and walking and walking until we were out of mina's reachable radius.the place was desperate.and i dont want to ever remember ive been there.as soon as we realized that we were in the safe zone,we started to laugh.and we laughed all the way back to paddington.

jeff thanked me for bringing him to the darkest part of london.ahah thats a sarcastic one :P but i welcomed him.i was honoured to be the first to bring him to such places.ive only been here for few months but ive seen this part of london,even those who have lived here for years wouldnt believe that it exist.no this is no ordinary part of london.this is zone 1 with W1 as the postcode yet,its the darkest part of which no one could have imagined those places exist.

i wish mina luck in finding himself a female room mate.

and im expressing my gratitude to Him for having jeff along with me that day.for if im alone,i wouldnt know what might have happened to me.

things happenned for a reason.and this happens because nak tunjuk kat u la jeff tempat2 dodgy camtu kat West2 pn ade gak..:P