siti iyliani JUWAHIR

was catching up with this girl and her story mory yang hangat hangat belaka.hot fm.ahah

siti iyliani juwahir.i like her name.haha.and im dedicating a post to her.so why her.hmm.let me put it this way.when i befriending a person,i look for values to build my respect and trust on that person.and babe,i just have so many respect upon u.i think u are one of those super girls left on this world.i hope we grow stronger and wiser for each and every obstacles that we managed to overcome.yes.im praying this for you.and me too :)

and so i went through our pictures back in KAED.i have to say that i was dreading to escape KAED and the ridiculously strict UIA campus then,but now when i look back,i miss those times.and i very much miss you too!and mun,nur,kak ckin,kak fatin and many others.time machine please?

here are some of the videos and pictures i found on my hard disk.big smile. :))

the night where moiz jadi our cameraboy

our multi-dip final.first year hahaa look so innocent

post-portfolio 2nd year 2nd sem.studio's gath

flight delayed!

measured drawing @ al-maridani

egypt

graduation.finally!

redah je trip to ganu :)

these two vids were from our post portfolio barbeque.

kak ckin n taro.my all time favourite couple! :)

sebenarnye bes kan time kite belajar dulu?

:)

my very own white duvet

the sky is blue.
the sun is shining brightly.
the dogs are running around catching frisbees.
the birds are chirping happily.

its been a beautiful day today.

lalala lala lala....

i am humming.
i am just happy.
isnt that apparent?

blind

i have to say he sacrificed a lot all the while he was with me.sometimes i could not believe it that we never made it to the altar.despite the hurting and the fights that we had,i have always knew that things will be okay again between us.it might look ugly now but we will make it through patching thing up between us and things will get rosy again.but i am wrong.things are rosy on the surface but i have been slowly killing his love for me.

three years together was a long way for us.we were always the golden couple in the faculty.i have loved those times that i skipped class just to join him out for a drink at the pisang goreng stall outside the rear gate.and the lunch time we spent together and the late nights we've stayed up together in the studio finishing our work trying to catch up with the deadlines.i have loved those moments.and he had been incredibly loving towards me.

but the night he said he could not do this anymore,i was shattered.27032006.the night he said he's had enough and the night he said yes,i still have a chance but he's keeping it for the future.in case fate will bring us back again.this night,i knew ive blew it.

he had taught me so much about life.about love.about 'you and me'.about 'us'.about patience.about tolerance.about sacrifices.

those were the unspoken words.those were the values i learnt observing him.those were the values i was lacking and he's successfully planted them in me and at time he thinks im whole,he sets me free.free to the real world.free to the open world.he's done his part and im left alone in the cock pit to maneuver my own plane.

but i didnt want him to leave.i was scared.i was scared to maneuver my way.i needed him.badly.i needed his guidance.i needed his hands to hold mine.i needed his eyes to tell me its allright.i needed his comforting embrace to make me feel safe.safe from the blunders around me.safe from everything.i was left scared to find my own path.and i was scared that i'll lose him.forever.

and at this point i realized that ive done too much damage.damages that cannot be undone.damages that will leave scars that will forever mark his heart.wounds that have caused so much pain in him.wounds that have caused him drifting away from me.and wounds that have made me realized how much he's worth and how much i wanted to heal them.the point that i comprehended how much i have hurt him is the exact point that i realized i love him to the bits.

but it was too late.i have been gradually killing his love towards me.

lifehouse was singing on the radio.i could still hear it in my ears.i was in my car.parked in front of my faculty.watching him leave.watching him in my rear view mirror as he turned around and headed his way.

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

i drove home with tears.tears that came down my cheek without warnings.tears that soon streamed down with the rush of water coming out from the dam.this is hard.this is unbearable.ive lost him.ive loved him more than he could ever knew but ive lost him.ive loved him with every beat of my heart but he would never know.because despite all the love i have for him,the only thing that i havent grasp while being with him is frank talking.i could never pour my heart out and i could never lay those words even at the most crucial time.tears take over my speech but they have done no good for me.the words were stuck in my throat.'i love u,all my heart i do.i really do' were the only words i managed to blurt out.no explanation.no defending myself.no argument.no nothing.just these eleven words uttered repeatedly.

a part of me died when I let you go...

family

Ely texted me this morning.she apologized for not being able to meet me before going back to Sheffield.i felt bad too.she had to wait for hours last tuesday for me.and by the time we were in the car playing bee and mmm game,she was too tired and too lazy to even think of the answers.hehe Ely next time datang kte masak masak kat umah baru adah eh? :D ::D

Syukri called.he's been trying to call me the last few days to notify me that he's already in London.he said he called and texted but received no replies from me.i was unreachable.but he was lucky to meet our friend at msd who gave him my new number.and so we met for lunch on the boxing day.we exhanged our travel experiences as both of us had just got back from our road trip around the UK.and uhumm thanks to the newspaper bergerak london,Syukri already knew about the scratch thingy.but he layed cool and played his part buat2 terkejut dengar adah cte as if he's just heard it for the first time because the newspaper bergerak told him not to tell me that he knew.pandaii Syukri berlakon ehh.

Hanef called.they went to Harrods and M&S today for shopping.apparantly these two started their sale on the 27th unlike others.and so we decided to meet up for dinner at melur.family.im meeting my family after few months here.Pak Andak and Mak Andak greeted me with smile and comfort.smile that im very much familiar with and comfort that could only come from my own blood.and believe it or not after years,i was talking to Hanef again.we catched up and took pictures to show Tok Mak that of all places in the world,we met for dinner here in London.
they are going back to Manchester tomorrow as Hanef is working there and both the parents will depart home next friday.for an instance,i envy Hanef for having his parents with him.

i was walking home in the cold when Syukri called.he's already in the bus heading towards Warwick after 3 weeks travelling.he said he only has a week left to qada' tidur before his classes will start again and he will have to get back to the old routine.heyy heyyy he's suppose to be my removal service for tomorrow but he's gone back.he laughed and said next time.ahah.i hope there wont be next time after this.

mama replied my text.ive been texting with her for the last 3 hours.
'uh...huh...u kept me up half d nite!anyway i hope u learnt that fear is a lot in d mind and mainan syaitan.Love :)'

today is 27th December 2008.and it was on this date last 30 years that arwah Atok gave away Mama's hand for marriage.Baba and Mama were then united at the Birmingham Central Mosque.

today has been one of the happiest day in London for me.the idea of family has always manage to help me pull my inner self together and strengthen my will.and having met them all this winter hols means more than what i could express with words.

thank you Baba and Mama.thank you for having faith in your family and your children.and making me believe that true love does exist in real life.

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY to Baba Mama :)

who would have thought

it was the most cracking news for the past few days but it wasnt anything that anyone wanted to hear.it was the most dreading news one could ever receive.

i logged on to facebook and those lines were really a shock to me.i thought they were just joking or pulling a prank but it seems like almost all my studiomates were having similar shout outs.and so out of my curiosity i hurried to get the details from my cousin about the truth of the rumours and this is what he had to say:

zarrul aizat: pecah kaca pecah gelas,kene kaca dipeha pangkal
darah curah antah banyaknya
kaki kiri tokono jua
adah: apekahhh..
cte laa
zarrul aizat: cite sebenar,arwah je yg tau,..
die sorg je dalam bilik tu
pas kene, die merangkak keluar bilik VIP room
adah: arwah meninggal dalam bilik die kat kaed ke?
zarrul aizat: meninggal dalm ambulan uia,kat roundabout selayang
adah: VIP room yg tmpt kte salu wat presentation tu ke?
zarrul aizat: Aah..kt situ ade exhibition heritage, esok lusa kne present kat menteri besaq kedah,kne transfer sume model ke kedah,
die mungkin terjatuh di atas kaca itu lalu berselerakan memasuki peha-nya
dekat 12 cm tusukan kaca menembusi arteri utama
sian die,sebelum kena, die masuk studio 5th year dulu, tanye "mane budak2 ni sume"..budak2 sume da balek ,tinggal matpa dan den ganu sahaja


it was unthinkable.who would have thought handling architecture models can be fatal.who would have thought worrying about an exhibition could cause a life.who would have thought kaed could be a hazardous area.who would have thought we would never ever see him anymore.

tya buzzed me.with that she sent me a link to an IIUM blogger who wrote about the news.and he posted the picture of the entrance to VIP room that were trailed with blood that puddled at one spot where he stopped and helped by students.it was a lot.i could still see the picture whenever i close my eyes.its been haunting me these past couple of nights.

its that corridoor.its that corridoor and it brought back thousands of memories from my past.its that corridoor that i passed by every time im going to the surau.its that corridoor that i passed by thousands of time to get to his studio.its that corridoor where i used to chat and laugh with nor and mun trying to cheer each other after long hours in the studio.its that corridoor we used to jump and run catching one another entertaining ourselves just like many others.its where mun and i had dropped our eggshell for our fun project when we were in our first year.its that corridoor that i used to loiter around gossipping with the girls.its that corridoor that i used to spent hours with him.its where i used to had frank talk with dayah.its where i used to cry and sob when he said everything is going to be okay.and that exact corridoor is now marked with blood that will stick in all kaedians mind.forever.

Al-Fatihah to Allahyarham Dr. Syukri.

he was a great lecturer.he encouraged students to think in a different prespective backed by the philosophies.be it design studios or history lectures,he had his own way of making students absorb the essence of the subject and let us find the meaning and share our thought with the whole class.he always wanted students to speak in his class.he will listen and correct us where ever he thought he should.he encouraged critical thinking and never forget to pull us back to the ground reminding us to back our design with reasonings.

i remember my final second year project for the marina club house.he was the only lecturer who backed my design because he understood my intention and philosophies when i was slammed by all others.he was the only one who gets the point and lead my way through the design stage untill i managed to produce my final product.it may not be the best yet of my work but i was very much gratified with it because for the strictest requirement,i get to design my project with passion and satisfaction.

Allah itu lebih sayang kepada orang yang beriman.

may Allahyarham rest in peace and placed amongst the mukminin.

the book is now closed for yet another person thats very dear to many of us. may the depart of our beloved lecturer makes us all think how short life is and how unpredictable death is.

and i am just another sinner in this world.i pray to Allah that He will give me chance to live a good life that will prepare me to the hereafter.Ameen.

izinkan

i used to listen to izinkan a lot whenever i was having my down turn few years back.mun n nor called it my theme song.i always thought it was stupid to have anything thematic when you were in a relationship but i guess thats where i was wrong.when someone is in a relationship,they tend to be stupid.very stupid in some cases.no,im not referring to anyone in particular.ahah. :P
i am including myself within that stupid circle.look where i am now.big laugh.

so i was listening to malay songs on the youtube.and i was lying on the floor when izinkan pop up.i was stunned and automatically i sat up and stare into the screen.ngahahh.i havent heard this song for ages now.

Izinkan aku melafazkan isi hatiku
Kau yang satu, bagiku tiada lain darimu
Pasti ku kan ubati lukamu segala kemahuanmu, kuberi
Janjiku padamu hatiku hanya untukmu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untuk mu
Izinkan aku lafazkan isi hatiku
Masihkah aku
Bertakhta di hatimu
Janjiku padamu
Hatiku kau perlu tahu...
Mainanku igauanku hanya perasaan yang menular
Haruskah dirimu, membenci diriku
Kupohon maaf darimu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untukmu
Berikan diriku
Secebis senyum tawamu
Bagaikan mentari di hati
Bila kau kembali di sisi
Kau membawa erti hidupku ini

haa haa!!yerp i used to listen to this song a lot when i was in the finals.especially during the finals.sampai satu studio semua dah muak dengar lagu ni kite pasang kat speaker kuat2.because why,because we tend to fight and quarrel a lot whenever finals came approaching.well i need not mention here why but final were our most vulnerable time and we were both stressed out and exhausted catching up with the project submission that entertaining our 'other half' had became excessive and very tiring.especially on his part.ngahahaa nasib laa kann.it was,ahah,inevitable.and overwhelming.mane ade couple gaduh cekik cekik and tumbuk tumbuk kann.hahahaaaa something to laugh about now.not then,now.

oh well i dont know why i am writing about this here but i guess there are somewhat hopes that he will come across this piece.and if he ever did,there are so many things that i wanted to say to him.

hmm.where do i start?

terima kasih.
terima kasih sebab banyak benda kite belajar kat awak dulu.
percaye la kite memang adapt cakap awak walaupun awak tengok kite ni keras kepala gile mengalahkan batu.hahaaa
terima kasih sebab singgah dalam hidup kte (okay this sounds weird in malay) -> thanks for dropping by in my life and taught me values that werent easily grasped by words.
kite nak mintak maaf gak la kalau kite ade malu kan awak.
kite nak mintak maaf sebab kite salu gi sepak kereta awak dulu.ngehh ngehhh.open confession.
be a high flyer!kite tau cita cita awak tinggi.work for it!
jangan pakai baju yang kite bagi utk g ngorat pompuan.hishh selamber jer.
oh,kalau jumpe mun,go pick on her like the old times.suke tengok korang.hehe.
oh oh lagi satu.gambar2 kte banyak2 yang kite tumpang dalam laptop awak dulu,tolong burn kan cd untuk kite.kite takde copy la.hehe tq.

just so you know,you're the rare species of men left on this land.you might be cranky on the outside but you're worth more than those pulled together.live a good life! *wink*

and to his girl.i didnt mean to offend you with this post.i just wanted to say you're lucky.he is a good guy and he's more than what meet the eyes.and dont worry,im over him. :)

white flag.

thinking.do i have the courage to publish this post?hmmm............

short

i was finally there.the thought of going to the mosque excites me a lot.its not just the mosque but i t was actually the mosque.

22-12-2008 6:23 pm

i texted baba.

'Baba..i am currently standing before the Birmingham Central Mosque!'

'Imagine 30 years ago there. 27 Dec.'

'Yes.i purposely stop here to visit the mosque'

':-)'

short but meaningful.thats my baba :D

against the odds

im just asking myself why.

sometimes i thought of nurin and her never ending questions.why this and why that.and what this and what that.back to why this and why that.round up again to where this and where that.

'naim jalan.nurin tak pegi school.naim tired.nurin pun tired.' i have loved that cute little voice.i still do.bless her with all the grace in the world.

often i admire her self contentment.the way she brings herself.the way she mingles.the way she prays.the way she lifts that two little hands and says her own little prayer.the way she says ameen.the way she says yes to every words kakak instructed her to.the way she obeys her mother without reasonings.the way that innocent eyes have flicked whenever i tricked her into doing something wrong.

i used to be there.eighteen years ago i used to be 5 years old too.i used to be a small girl in skirts too.i used to have a small pair of hands too.and with those hands i used to hold izzat and kissed him innocently the way nurin had towards naim.i used to be like nurin.

but from the vague memory that i have,i was nothing like her.i was always the stone-headed brat.i was always a disgrace to myself.i caused troubles all the times.i ran in and out the house without warnings.i climbed out the window to catch an owl when i was suppose to be listening to the teacher in the class.and i was always the odd one.

i had been going against the odds all my life.why was never a question.sometimes i wish i have nurin's obedience.

i guess now,i have all the time in the world to ask myself why.
thank you Allah.thank you for giving me a time out to replenish myself.

i need mama.badly.

oh noooo

someone deleted all of his inbox.

umm.................

*silent*

i sure hope he could retrieve the email back.

good luck!! :D

saya pemakan besar

saya seorang manusia.
saya seorang manusia biasa.
saya seorang perempuan muda remaja.
saya seorang perempuan yang pandai menghargai makanan.

semalam saya makan nasi impit.
semalam saya makan kuah kacang.
semalam saya makan rendang.
semalam saya makan laksa penang!! :D :D
semalam saya makan pai dan krim lemak dengan sungguh banyak.

hari ini saya makan ketam masak lemak.
hari ini saya makan sambal sotong.
hari ini saya makan ikan keli.
hari ini kemudiannya juga saya makan lamb chop.

hari ini di malam hari saya menyedari tahap kolestrol yang tinggi makanan tersebut.
hari ini di malam hari saya sedang pening kepala.
hari ini di malam hari saya rasa otak saya tak center.

dan ketika di malam hari pula saya merasakan saya sedang kebuncitan.

hmmpphh! mengeluh sambil bersyukur.mengeluh kerana yakin ada kilo yang akan bertambah.bersyukur kerana rezeki Tuhan itu amat murah.

hmmmphhh!! mengeluh.mengeluh kerana seumpamanya nafsu makan ini liarnya di luar kawalan minda.

hmmmppphhh!!! mengeluh kerana nafsu makan yang tak terkawal ini sudah tentu memberi kesan sampingan terhadap seluar.

no.54

i went to view a house today and it was great!it was awwesome!!!it was lovely and it was hugeee..and it was crazily offered at a very competitive rate.it has some huge windows and very high ceiling.Georgian style building i suppose.
and i love this place.i dont just love this place,i think im in love with this place.if im now dreading my way back home to Upton Park,i could imagine myself smiling widely heading my way back to the new house.
mahu balik ke rumah tercinta untuk bercinta dengan rumah tercinta.
just like how i used to head my way home to turnpike lane.finally,things are getting rosy for me with the house issue i dreaded for few months now.i really hope to spend some quality time in my future home hence less merempating at other people's house.hehe.oh well,idora warned me not to lari to other places as this house is so huge she will be scared to be left alone at night.hehe ai ai ma'am.
so there was my activity for the day.i just cant wait to move into this house as soon as possible.
weee!~~ adah in love with her new crib.

the thought of mama is the soup for my soul

'how are you doing' mama asked.i havent been answering her previous phonecall as i didnt hear the phone and obviously she's worried about me.i was fine.

i remembered if i was not feeling well or had my down cycle,i used to seek comfort in mama.we used to go out shopping with mama or just strolling in the car and enjoy the one hour way home being stuck in the ever terrible traffic jam on the federal highway talking about my days and how it affected me.if i would have normally curse in my kelisa ramming my way through the ocean of cars,i would just drive on the left lane of the highway not bothering to overtake any of the cars because i really treasure the hours that we were 'trapped' together in the heavy near to standstill traffic.and its funny how we have to make appointments to go home together as i was normally spending long hours in the office and seldom left untill it was dark.

when ive landed a job at Phileo which is 200m away from IIUMatrics,mama was thrilled.now she can have a company to drive back and forth from work to home everyday.and having someone to talk with in the boring journey or simply keeping up with her daughter,it was a great idea.i was excited too.

but i guess it didnt work that way.i was a junior in the office and i really had a lot to learn.ahah save that craps.even if im not a junior in the office,i would still leave after sunset.the workloads are impossible.we often go home very late to finish our never-ending-ever-changing drawings.

so basically,i always reached home late at night because obviously i would be hungry and looking for food after the long hours in the office.and for all i knew the next thing i was doing was lepaking at mamak if im lucky enough,will be bangi or if not i will be out for food around kl.and by the time i was home,mama was fast asleep.and by the time i woke up the next morning,she was already on the road to work.

and not to mention the routine that she had where she used to call me twice daily just to talk to me even though we lived in the same house.the first would be in the morning to wake me up or warn me about the traffic towards pj since we were actually taking the same route and the second would be on her way home in the traffic jam,reminding me to have a short break and go out for dinner before diving back into the piles of drawings in the office.huhu mothers.

and when i practically stayed over at melati during the weekdays to make it easier for me to commute to work,we used to have lunch date together just to catch up stories during the week so that she wouldnt miss any part of my life an i get to spend more time with her.she was always present in my life and i love her for being very supportive in whatever i chose to do.

i smiled hearing her voice.it is stil the same voice even though the receiver that im hearing from is thousands of miles away from her.and she still sounds the same.and the same trick.she will call me on her way back home.i smile.i have missed this voice and she had read my mind from continents away.she had given me a ring because the mother instinct that she had was so strong it could surpass all the obstacles away.

mama,i love and miss you very much.

with love,
your daughter