blind

i have to say he sacrificed a lot all the while he was with me.sometimes i could not believe it that we never made it to the altar.despite the hurting and the fights that we had,i have always knew that things will be okay again between us.it might look ugly now but we will make it through patching thing up between us and things will get rosy again.but i am wrong.things are rosy on the surface but i have been slowly killing his love for me.

three years together was a long way for us.we were always the golden couple in the faculty.i have loved those times that i skipped class just to join him out for a drink at the pisang goreng stall outside the rear gate.and the lunch time we spent together and the late nights we've stayed up together in the studio finishing our work trying to catch up with the deadlines.i have loved those moments.and he had been incredibly loving towards me.

but the night he said he could not do this anymore,i was shattered.27032006.the night he said he's had enough and the night he said yes,i still have a chance but he's keeping it for the future.in case fate will bring us back again.this night,i knew ive blew it.

he had taught me so much about life.about love.about 'you and me'.about 'us'.about patience.about tolerance.about sacrifices.

those were the unspoken words.those were the values i learnt observing him.those were the values i was lacking and he's successfully planted them in me and at time he thinks im whole,he sets me free.free to the real world.free to the open world.he's done his part and im left alone in the cock pit to maneuver my own plane.

but i didnt want him to leave.i was scared.i was scared to maneuver my way.i needed him.badly.i needed his guidance.i needed his hands to hold mine.i needed his eyes to tell me its allright.i needed his comforting embrace to make me feel safe.safe from the blunders around me.safe from everything.i was left scared to find my own path.and i was scared that i'll lose him.forever.

and at this point i realized that ive done too much damage.damages that cannot be undone.damages that will leave scars that will forever mark his heart.wounds that have caused so much pain in him.wounds that have caused him drifting away from me.and wounds that have made me realized how much he's worth and how much i wanted to heal them.the point that i comprehended how much i have hurt him is the exact point that i realized i love him to the bits.

but it was too late.i have been gradually killing his love towards me.

lifehouse was singing on the radio.i could still hear it in my ears.i was in my car.parked in front of my faculty.watching him leave.watching him in my rear view mirror as he turned around and headed his way.

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

i drove home with tears.tears that came down my cheek without warnings.tears that soon streamed down with the rush of water coming out from the dam.this is hard.this is unbearable.ive lost him.ive loved him more than he could ever knew but ive lost him.ive loved him with every beat of my heart but he would never know.because despite all the love i have for him,the only thing that i havent grasp while being with him is frank talking.i could never pour my heart out and i could never lay those words even at the most crucial time.tears take over my speech but they have done no good for me.the words were stuck in my throat.'i love u,all my heart i do.i really do' were the only words i managed to blurt out.no explanation.no defending myself.no argument.no nothing.just these eleven words uttered repeatedly.

a part of me died when I let you go...