against the odds

im just asking myself why.

sometimes i thought of nurin and her never ending questions.why this and why that.and what this and what that.back to why this and why that.round up again to where this and where that.

'naim jalan.nurin tak pegi school.naim tired.nurin pun tired.' i have loved that cute little voice.i still do.bless her with all the grace in the world.

often i admire her self contentment.the way she brings herself.the way she mingles.the way she prays.the way she lifts that two little hands and says her own little prayer.the way she says ameen.the way she says yes to every words kakak instructed her to.the way she obeys her mother without reasonings.the way that innocent eyes have flicked whenever i tricked her into doing something wrong.

i used to be there.eighteen years ago i used to be 5 years old too.i used to be a small girl in skirts too.i used to have a small pair of hands too.and with those hands i used to hold izzat and kissed him innocently the way nurin had towards naim.i used to be like nurin.

but from the vague memory that i have,i was nothing like her.i was always the stone-headed brat.i was always a disgrace to myself.i caused troubles all the times.i ran in and out the house without warnings.i climbed out the window to catch an owl when i was suppose to be listening to the teacher in the class.and i was always the odd one.

i had been going against the odds all my life.why was never a question.sometimes i wish i have nurin's obedience.

i guess now,i have all the time in the world to ask myself why.
thank you Allah.thank you for giving me a time out to replenish myself.

i need mama.badly.