siti iyliani JUWAHIR

was catching up with this girl and her story mory yang hangat hangat belaka.hot fm.ahah

siti iyliani juwahir.i like her name.haha.and im dedicating a post to her.so why her.hmm.let me put it this way.when i befriending a person,i look for values to build my respect and trust on that person.and babe,i just have so many respect upon u.i think u are one of those super girls left on this world.i hope we grow stronger and wiser for each and every obstacles that we managed to overcome.yes.im praying this for you.and me too :)

and so i went through our pictures back in KAED.i have to say that i was dreading to escape KAED and the ridiculously strict UIA campus then,but now when i look back,i miss those times.and i very much miss you too!and mun,nur,kak ckin,kak fatin and many others.time machine please?

here are some of the videos and pictures i found on my hard disk.big smile. :))

the night where moiz jadi our cameraboy

our multi-dip final.first year hahaa look so innocent

post-portfolio 2nd year 2nd sem.studio's gath

flight delayed!

measured drawing @ al-maridani

egypt

graduation.finally!

redah je trip to ganu :)

these two vids were from our post portfolio barbeque.

kak ckin n taro.my all time favourite couple! :)

sebenarnye bes kan time kite belajar dulu?

:)

my very own white duvet

the sky is blue.
the sun is shining brightly.
the dogs are running around catching frisbees.
the birds are chirping happily.

its been a beautiful day today.

lalala lala lala....

i am humming.
i am just happy.
isnt that apparent?

blind

i have to say he sacrificed a lot all the while he was with me.sometimes i could not believe it that we never made it to the altar.despite the hurting and the fights that we had,i have always knew that things will be okay again between us.it might look ugly now but we will make it through patching thing up between us and things will get rosy again.but i am wrong.things are rosy on the surface but i have been slowly killing his love for me.

three years together was a long way for us.we were always the golden couple in the faculty.i have loved those times that i skipped class just to join him out for a drink at the pisang goreng stall outside the rear gate.and the lunch time we spent together and the late nights we've stayed up together in the studio finishing our work trying to catch up with the deadlines.i have loved those moments.and he had been incredibly loving towards me.

but the night he said he could not do this anymore,i was shattered.27032006.the night he said he's had enough and the night he said yes,i still have a chance but he's keeping it for the future.in case fate will bring us back again.this night,i knew ive blew it.

he had taught me so much about life.about love.about 'you and me'.about 'us'.about patience.about tolerance.about sacrifices.

those were the unspoken words.those were the values i learnt observing him.those were the values i was lacking and he's successfully planted them in me and at time he thinks im whole,he sets me free.free to the real world.free to the open world.he's done his part and im left alone in the cock pit to maneuver my own plane.

but i didnt want him to leave.i was scared.i was scared to maneuver my way.i needed him.badly.i needed his guidance.i needed his hands to hold mine.i needed his eyes to tell me its allright.i needed his comforting embrace to make me feel safe.safe from the blunders around me.safe from everything.i was left scared to find my own path.and i was scared that i'll lose him.forever.

and at this point i realized that ive done too much damage.damages that cannot be undone.damages that will leave scars that will forever mark his heart.wounds that have caused so much pain in him.wounds that have caused him drifting away from me.and wounds that have made me realized how much he's worth and how much i wanted to heal them.the point that i comprehended how much i have hurt him is the exact point that i realized i love him to the bits.

but it was too late.i have been gradually killing his love towards me.

lifehouse was singing on the radio.i could still hear it in my ears.i was in my car.parked in front of my faculty.watching him leave.watching him in my rear view mirror as he turned around and headed his way.

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

i drove home with tears.tears that came down my cheek without warnings.tears that soon streamed down with the rush of water coming out from the dam.this is hard.this is unbearable.ive lost him.ive loved him more than he could ever knew but ive lost him.ive loved him with every beat of my heart but he would never know.because despite all the love i have for him,the only thing that i havent grasp while being with him is frank talking.i could never pour my heart out and i could never lay those words even at the most crucial time.tears take over my speech but they have done no good for me.the words were stuck in my throat.'i love u,all my heart i do.i really do' were the only words i managed to blurt out.no explanation.no defending myself.no argument.no nothing.just these eleven words uttered repeatedly.

a part of me died when I let you go...

family

Ely texted me this morning.she apologized for not being able to meet me before going back to Sheffield.i felt bad too.she had to wait for hours last tuesday for me.and by the time we were in the car playing bee and mmm game,she was too tired and too lazy to even think of the answers.hehe Ely next time datang kte masak masak kat umah baru adah eh? :D ::D

Syukri called.he's been trying to call me the last few days to notify me that he's already in London.he said he called and texted but received no replies from me.i was unreachable.but he was lucky to meet our friend at msd who gave him my new number.and so we met for lunch on the boxing day.we exhanged our travel experiences as both of us had just got back from our road trip around the UK.and uhumm thanks to the newspaper bergerak london,Syukri already knew about the scratch thingy.but he layed cool and played his part buat2 terkejut dengar adah cte as if he's just heard it for the first time because the newspaper bergerak told him not to tell me that he knew.pandaii Syukri berlakon ehh.

Hanef called.they went to Harrods and M&S today for shopping.apparantly these two started their sale on the 27th unlike others.and so we decided to meet up for dinner at melur.family.im meeting my family after few months here.Pak Andak and Mak Andak greeted me with smile and comfort.smile that im very much familiar with and comfort that could only come from my own blood.and believe it or not after years,i was talking to Hanef again.we catched up and took pictures to show Tok Mak that of all places in the world,we met for dinner here in London.
they are going back to Manchester tomorrow as Hanef is working there and both the parents will depart home next friday.for an instance,i envy Hanef for having his parents with him.

i was walking home in the cold when Syukri called.he's already in the bus heading towards Warwick after 3 weeks travelling.he said he only has a week left to qada' tidur before his classes will start again and he will have to get back to the old routine.heyy heyyy he's suppose to be my removal service for tomorrow but he's gone back.he laughed and said next time.ahah.i hope there wont be next time after this.

mama replied my text.ive been texting with her for the last 3 hours.
'uh...huh...u kept me up half d nite!anyway i hope u learnt that fear is a lot in d mind and mainan syaitan.Love :)'

today is 27th December 2008.and it was on this date last 30 years that arwah Atok gave away Mama's hand for marriage.Baba and Mama were then united at the Birmingham Central Mosque.

today has been one of the happiest day in London for me.the idea of family has always manage to help me pull my inner self together and strengthen my will.and having met them all this winter hols means more than what i could express with words.

thank you Baba and Mama.thank you for having faith in your family and your children.and making me believe that true love does exist in real life.

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY to Baba Mama :)

who would have thought

it was the most cracking news for the past few days but it wasnt anything that anyone wanted to hear.it was the most dreading news one could ever receive.

i logged on to facebook and those lines were really a shock to me.i thought they were just joking or pulling a prank but it seems like almost all my studiomates were having similar shout outs.and so out of my curiosity i hurried to get the details from my cousin about the truth of the rumours and this is what he had to say:

zarrul aizat: pecah kaca pecah gelas,kene kaca dipeha pangkal
darah curah antah banyaknya
kaki kiri tokono jua
adah: apekahhh..
cte laa
zarrul aizat: cite sebenar,arwah je yg tau,..
die sorg je dalam bilik tu
pas kene, die merangkak keluar bilik VIP room
adah: arwah meninggal dalam bilik die kat kaed ke?
zarrul aizat: meninggal dalm ambulan uia,kat roundabout selayang
adah: VIP room yg tmpt kte salu wat presentation tu ke?
zarrul aizat: Aah..kt situ ade exhibition heritage, esok lusa kne present kat menteri besaq kedah,kne transfer sume model ke kedah,
die mungkin terjatuh di atas kaca itu lalu berselerakan memasuki peha-nya
dekat 12 cm tusukan kaca menembusi arteri utama
sian die,sebelum kena, die masuk studio 5th year dulu, tanye "mane budak2 ni sume"..budak2 sume da balek ,tinggal matpa dan den ganu sahaja


it was unthinkable.who would have thought handling architecture models can be fatal.who would have thought worrying about an exhibition could cause a life.who would have thought kaed could be a hazardous area.who would have thought we would never ever see him anymore.

tya buzzed me.with that she sent me a link to an IIUM blogger who wrote about the news.and he posted the picture of the entrance to VIP room that were trailed with blood that puddled at one spot where he stopped and helped by students.it was a lot.i could still see the picture whenever i close my eyes.its been haunting me these past couple of nights.

its that corridoor.its that corridoor and it brought back thousands of memories from my past.its that corridoor that i passed by every time im going to the surau.its that corridoor that i passed by thousands of time to get to his studio.its that corridoor where i used to chat and laugh with nor and mun trying to cheer each other after long hours in the studio.its that corridoor we used to jump and run catching one another entertaining ourselves just like many others.its where mun and i had dropped our eggshell for our fun project when we were in our first year.its that corridoor that i used to loiter around gossipping with the girls.its that corridoor that i used to spent hours with him.its where i used to had frank talk with dayah.its where i used to cry and sob when he said everything is going to be okay.and that exact corridoor is now marked with blood that will stick in all kaedians mind.forever.

Al-Fatihah to Allahyarham Dr. Syukri.

he was a great lecturer.he encouraged students to think in a different prespective backed by the philosophies.be it design studios or history lectures,he had his own way of making students absorb the essence of the subject and let us find the meaning and share our thought with the whole class.he always wanted students to speak in his class.he will listen and correct us where ever he thought he should.he encouraged critical thinking and never forget to pull us back to the ground reminding us to back our design with reasonings.

i remember my final second year project for the marina club house.he was the only lecturer who backed my design because he understood my intention and philosophies when i was slammed by all others.he was the only one who gets the point and lead my way through the design stage untill i managed to produce my final product.it may not be the best yet of my work but i was very much gratified with it because for the strictest requirement,i get to design my project with passion and satisfaction.

Allah itu lebih sayang kepada orang yang beriman.

may Allahyarham rest in peace and placed amongst the mukminin.

the book is now closed for yet another person thats very dear to many of us. may the depart of our beloved lecturer makes us all think how short life is and how unpredictable death is.

and i am just another sinner in this world.i pray to Allah that He will give me chance to live a good life that will prepare me to the hereafter.Ameen.

izinkan

i used to listen to izinkan a lot whenever i was having my down turn few years back.mun n nor called it my theme song.i always thought it was stupid to have anything thematic when you were in a relationship but i guess thats where i was wrong.when someone is in a relationship,they tend to be stupid.very stupid in some cases.no,im not referring to anyone in particular.ahah. :P
i am including myself within that stupid circle.look where i am now.big laugh.

so i was listening to malay songs on the youtube.and i was lying on the floor when izinkan pop up.i was stunned and automatically i sat up and stare into the screen.ngahahh.i havent heard this song for ages now.

Izinkan aku melafazkan isi hatiku
Kau yang satu, bagiku tiada lain darimu
Pasti ku kan ubati lukamu segala kemahuanmu, kuberi
Janjiku padamu hatiku hanya untukmu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untuk mu
Izinkan aku lafazkan isi hatiku
Masihkah aku
Bertakhta di hatimu
Janjiku padamu
Hatiku kau perlu tahu...
Mainanku igauanku hanya perasaan yang menular
Haruskah dirimu, membenci diriku
Kupohon maaf darimu
Tiada yang lain darimu
Hasratku hanyalah untukmu
Berikan diriku
Secebis senyum tawamu
Bagaikan mentari di hati
Bila kau kembali di sisi
Kau membawa erti hidupku ini

haa haa!!yerp i used to listen to this song a lot when i was in the finals.especially during the finals.sampai satu studio semua dah muak dengar lagu ni kite pasang kat speaker kuat2.because why,because we tend to fight and quarrel a lot whenever finals came approaching.well i need not mention here why but final were our most vulnerable time and we were both stressed out and exhausted catching up with the project submission that entertaining our 'other half' had became excessive and very tiring.especially on his part.ngahahaa nasib laa kann.it was,ahah,inevitable.and overwhelming.mane ade couple gaduh cekik cekik and tumbuk tumbuk kann.hahahaaaa something to laugh about now.not then,now.

oh well i dont know why i am writing about this here but i guess there are somewhat hopes that he will come across this piece.and if he ever did,there are so many things that i wanted to say to him.

hmm.where do i start?

terima kasih.
terima kasih sebab banyak benda kite belajar kat awak dulu.
percaye la kite memang adapt cakap awak walaupun awak tengok kite ni keras kepala gile mengalahkan batu.hahaaa
terima kasih sebab singgah dalam hidup kte (okay this sounds weird in malay) -> thanks for dropping by in my life and taught me values that werent easily grasped by words.
kite nak mintak maaf gak la kalau kite ade malu kan awak.
kite nak mintak maaf sebab kite salu gi sepak kereta awak dulu.ngehh ngehhh.open confession.
be a high flyer!kite tau cita cita awak tinggi.work for it!
jangan pakai baju yang kite bagi utk g ngorat pompuan.hishh selamber jer.
oh,kalau jumpe mun,go pick on her like the old times.suke tengok korang.hehe.
oh oh lagi satu.gambar2 kte banyak2 yang kite tumpang dalam laptop awak dulu,tolong burn kan cd untuk kite.kite takde copy la.hehe tq.

just so you know,you're the rare species of men left on this land.you might be cranky on the outside but you're worth more than those pulled together.live a good life! *wink*

and to his girl.i didnt mean to offend you with this post.i just wanted to say you're lucky.he is a good guy and he's more than what meet the eyes.and dont worry,im over him. :)

white flag.

thinking.do i have the courage to publish this post?hmmm............

short

i was finally there.the thought of going to the mosque excites me a lot.its not just the mosque but i t was actually the mosque.

22-12-2008 6:23 pm

i texted baba.

'Baba..i am currently standing before the Birmingham Central Mosque!'

'Imagine 30 years ago there. 27 Dec.'

'Yes.i purposely stop here to visit the mosque'

':-)'

short but meaningful.thats my baba :D

against the odds

im just asking myself why.

sometimes i thought of nurin and her never ending questions.why this and why that.and what this and what that.back to why this and why that.round up again to where this and where that.

'naim jalan.nurin tak pegi school.naim tired.nurin pun tired.' i have loved that cute little voice.i still do.bless her with all the grace in the world.

often i admire her self contentment.the way she brings herself.the way she mingles.the way she prays.the way she lifts that two little hands and says her own little prayer.the way she says ameen.the way she says yes to every words kakak instructed her to.the way she obeys her mother without reasonings.the way that innocent eyes have flicked whenever i tricked her into doing something wrong.

i used to be there.eighteen years ago i used to be 5 years old too.i used to be a small girl in skirts too.i used to have a small pair of hands too.and with those hands i used to hold izzat and kissed him innocently the way nurin had towards naim.i used to be like nurin.

but from the vague memory that i have,i was nothing like her.i was always the stone-headed brat.i was always a disgrace to myself.i caused troubles all the times.i ran in and out the house without warnings.i climbed out the window to catch an owl when i was suppose to be listening to the teacher in the class.and i was always the odd one.

i had been going against the odds all my life.why was never a question.sometimes i wish i have nurin's obedience.

i guess now,i have all the time in the world to ask myself why.
thank you Allah.thank you for giving me a time out to replenish myself.

i need mama.badly.

oh noooo

someone deleted all of his inbox.

umm.................

*silent*

i sure hope he could retrieve the email back.

good luck!! :D

saya pemakan besar

saya seorang manusia.
saya seorang manusia biasa.
saya seorang perempuan muda remaja.
saya seorang perempuan yang pandai menghargai makanan.

semalam saya makan nasi impit.
semalam saya makan kuah kacang.
semalam saya makan rendang.
semalam saya makan laksa penang!! :D :D
semalam saya makan pai dan krim lemak dengan sungguh banyak.

hari ini saya makan ketam masak lemak.
hari ini saya makan sambal sotong.
hari ini saya makan ikan keli.
hari ini kemudiannya juga saya makan lamb chop.

hari ini di malam hari saya menyedari tahap kolestrol yang tinggi makanan tersebut.
hari ini di malam hari saya sedang pening kepala.
hari ini di malam hari saya rasa otak saya tak center.

dan ketika di malam hari pula saya merasakan saya sedang kebuncitan.

hmmpphh! mengeluh sambil bersyukur.mengeluh kerana yakin ada kilo yang akan bertambah.bersyukur kerana rezeki Tuhan itu amat murah.

hmmmphhh!! mengeluh.mengeluh kerana seumpamanya nafsu makan ini liarnya di luar kawalan minda.

hmmmppphhh!!! mengeluh kerana nafsu makan yang tak terkawal ini sudah tentu memberi kesan sampingan terhadap seluar.

no.54

i went to view a house today and it was great!it was awwesome!!!it was lovely and it was hugeee..and it was crazily offered at a very competitive rate.it has some huge windows and very high ceiling.Georgian style building i suppose.
and i love this place.i dont just love this place,i think im in love with this place.if im now dreading my way back home to Upton Park,i could imagine myself smiling widely heading my way back to the new house.
mahu balik ke rumah tercinta untuk bercinta dengan rumah tercinta.
just like how i used to head my way home to turnpike lane.finally,things are getting rosy for me with the house issue i dreaded for few months now.i really hope to spend some quality time in my future home hence less merempating at other people's house.hehe.oh well,idora warned me not to lari to other places as this house is so huge she will be scared to be left alone at night.hehe ai ai ma'am.
so there was my activity for the day.i just cant wait to move into this house as soon as possible.
weee!~~ adah in love with her new crib.

the thought of mama is the soup for my soul

'how are you doing' mama asked.i havent been answering her previous phonecall as i didnt hear the phone and obviously she's worried about me.i was fine.

i remembered if i was not feeling well or had my down cycle,i used to seek comfort in mama.we used to go out shopping with mama or just strolling in the car and enjoy the one hour way home being stuck in the ever terrible traffic jam on the federal highway talking about my days and how it affected me.if i would have normally curse in my kelisa ramming my way through the ocean of cars,i would just drive on the left lane of the highway not bothering to overtake any of the cars because i really treasure the hours that we were 'trapped' together in the heavy near to standstill traffic.and its funny how we have to make appointments to go home together as i was normally spending long hours in the office and seldom left untill it was dark.

when ive landed a job at Phileo which is 200m away from IIUMatrics,mama was thrilled.now she can have a company to drive back and forth from work to home everyday.and having someone to talk with in the boring journey or simply keeping up with her daughter,it was a great idea.i was excited too.

but i guess it didnt work that way.i was a junior in the office and i really had a lot to learn.ahah save that craps.even if im not a junior in the office,i would still leave after sunset.the workloads are impossible.we often go home very late to finish our never-ending-ever-changing drawings.

so basically,i always reached home late at night because obviously i would be hungry and looking for food after the long hours in the office.and for all i knew the next thing i was doing was lepaking at mamak if im lucky enough,will be bangi or if not i will be out for food around kl.and by the time i was home,mama was fast asleep.and by the time i woke up the next morning,she was already on the road to work.

and not to mention the routine that she had where she used to call me twice daily just to talk to me even though we lived in the same house.the first would be in the morning to wake me up or warn me about the traffic towards pj since we were actually taking the same route and the second would be on her way home in the traffic jam,reminding me to have a short break and go out for dinner before diving back into the piles of drawings in the office.huhu mothers.

and when i practically stayed over at melati during the weekdays to make it easier for me to commute to work,we used to have lunch date together just to catch up stories during the week so that she wouldnt miss any part of my life an i get to spend more time with her.she was always present in my life and i love her for being very supportive in whatever i chose to do.

i smiled hearing her voice.it is stil the same voice even though the receiver that im hearing from is thousands of miles away from her.and she still sounds the same.and the same trick.she will call me on her way back home.i smile.i have missed this voice and she had read my mind from continents away.she had given me a ring because the mother instinct that she had was so strong it could surpass all the obstacles away.

mama,i love and miss you very much.

with love,
your daughter

hushh raudah..he's an english!

20112008

i was just doing the daily routine that i do when im in this place.i wasnt feeling well today but i just get on with stuff.i had fever days before and i havent fully recovered.i was still weak but i still want to come in for work.i love this place.so i just get on serving the hungry customers as they came in and made their selection of these lovely malaysian cuisine.i just love serving these local people and watching them enjoying malaysian cuisine.my cuisine.

and i smiled as i always do.once a customer said to me, 'how do you manage with that smile all your day.'i laughed.oh well he just made me smiled more.
jones said he will only come here either on friday or saturday.'yes the food is nice but this place wouldnt be the same without your smile on every other days,raudah'.awww arent they sweet?

but today i wasnt as friendly because i still felt a bit sore.and thank God,it was a bit quiet today so i get to rest every now and then.and pak bong was very nice to me he cooked a hot soup and asked me to dig in so i can get well soon.'very soon.' he said.

it was around 7 when a couple came in and as i was busy serving them,another three teenagers came in and so another two guys.pakwe came to help behind the counter and served the three while i finished with the couple and get on with the two guys.only the blonde haired guy made his order for chicken laksa and some banana buttons while the other just smiled and stood back,i could felt his eyes were on me as i move back and forth behind the counter.ive got the money from the blonde guy and went on to the tall guy with short brown hair,a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a very nice smile.i turned to him and he smiled.

'hi raudah.u dont remember me do you'

'harry' a handsome guy like you?of course i remember you!

'i thought u have forgotten me'

'i dont.u did'

'i did?'

'u said ure coming in again before i finish my shift at half past six but you didnt.i waited for you' i pulled a face.and yes i did wait for him.he came in last saturday not to buy the food but just to say hi to me.i finish at 630 and so he said he'l drop in before i finish my shift to catch up with me.
he laughed.a cute one and smiled sheepishly.

'oooh.i thought u have forgotten me.okay okay.i am very sorry that i didnt drop by the other day.it was a very busy day and i stayed back until 10pm.' and he winked.

'oh realy?oh well im sorry then' puzzled and stuttered.puzzled because i was thinking what did i just do??and stuttered finding the right word to say.and im about to blush.rewinding the past few seconds in my head.macam tgh merajuk dgn boyfren la plak.okay.i blushed.

'uhm..' i grin.no appropriate smile could come out now.only grin.

'yea i always make sure to drop by this place every thursday and saturday to meet you.'

'so come over this saturday.i finish at 630 but i'l wait for u' he finishes his shift at 7.and omg im hitting on this guy!!

'yes sure and i'l make sure of that!'

the blonde haired guy was standing there all along watching us talk.he's got his food and he's ready to go.

'so i wil see u on saturday,raudah' harry said as he walked out of the door.he waved and he winked.

and there i was standing behind the counter,smilling.a broad one. :)

writing with my eyes closed

i just have this great feeling of being able to smile again.i saw it today and without hesitating,i smiled.and i dont know what or how or where the courage had came from but i just smiled.and yes me,i just smiled.

i guess fantasies are not to be lived.fantasies are just too beautiful that they are to remain as fantasies.fantasies are just too great that we'll end up in resentment trying to realize it in real life.

its a simple fact.and so i learnt.

life is never ending-ly filled with dramas.it doesnt matter how i put in words that my life is tiring or full of dramas or many other excitement,there will always be other peoples' lives that are not any short of such events.there will always be peoples' lives that are more tiring than mine.that were filled with more wicked dramas than mine.and of course there are others with more life excitement than mine.

life is interesting.life is full of excitement.life is tailored the way one leads his life.and that makes it incomparable between one another.

and so we move on with life.i move on with life.waking up hoping that today will be better than yesterday.hoping that today will feel better than yesterday.hoping that today will patch the wound that yesterday could not.hoping that today will hushh the anger away.hoping that today will heal the pain from yesterday.

but there's always the fact that we often neglect.

the pain is always going to be there.we gradually get over the pain.it doesnt go away but its just became easier to live with.sometimes it takes weeks.sometimes it takes months.sometimes it takes years.but eventually we'll come to the point where we only think of them occassionally.

so i smiled.it was a happy smile.i was being happy for it.but i knew the pain is always there.maybe ive just came to the point where i am immuned with the pain that i didnt realize it is even there.but it is there and it is always going to be there.

but im indifferent now.even if the pain is there i could not feel it anymore.im stone hard and i just couldnt care less.i just need to get on with life and live the norm.

and so i smile.i have always been smiling and i will always do.even if i dont feel like to,i will still smile.even if i feel crushed with pain,i will still smile.because a stranger's smile always makes my day.and i dont know whose life will i touch when i put on the smile on my face.

and i still feel awkward knowing people that i knew is reading this.

happy birthday love! xxx

ATTENTIONNNN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

i would like to announce to everyone that today is my besties' birthday and i love her very much and i wish her all the happiness in the world..

let us all sing together with me..



and this is my birthday present for you love..



i might not be there but i hope im always present in your life..i hope you will get a year wiser and 365 more of lovely days with your mr. kambeng..

kind regards,
your other half. xxx

me two precious gems

they've grown up!

nurin and naim have been growing up so fast and im missing the most adorable part of their life.the changes might not be visible for nurin but it sure was noticeable for naim.

i am closer to nurin because ive seen her grow up before my eyes and somehow i felt like there's this bonding between the two of us.and i tend to spoil her too.dont get me wrong,she has always been a good girl,if not trouble-free girl and has always been obedient-if you say dont touch for instance,she really wont touch the thing ever again.hail kakak for the superb upbringing she had instilled in nurin.i love to buy her stuffs because i like to see the look in her eyes when she's got something she hasnt expected.n she just melt my heart away i could never say no if she ask me for anything.hugs and kisses!!! xxx

while naim is the total opposite of nurin.the more you say no,the more he's determined to continue with whatever that he was doing.he is mischievious but i would say in an innocent way because if you see on his face,there's always the wisdom lines on his forehead that shows that he's constantly thinking; ever so curious about the stuffs around him.i used to ignore naim in other people's presence because he was sooo gorgeous and adorable,everybody wanted to play with him and have him in their lap.and at the end of the day he'll come crawling to me wondering why didnt i get all excited to pinch his fluffy cheek or mess with his curly hair or simply play with him.thats then i'l take him to my acknowledgment and play with him.i would say he has the look of mr romeo to be so im practicing a bit of playing-hard-to-get with him and it seems to work.haha sheepish that is.but he truly is adorable.

anyhoo here are some pictures of them,the two gems in my life.oh the number will change soon as kakak is expecting her 3rd child and abang is expecting his first kiddo.yeayy!! :D :D :D

i just love these two lovely babies.no matter how much theyve grown or how one day they'll be adults,they'll always be babies to me.

mwahxxx rindu sangat kat win n naim tauuuu

what the hell im doing here

you're so fucking special.

i wish i was special.

im a creep.im a weirdo.

what the hell im doing here.

i dont belong here....i dont belong here..............



i wish i was special...

youre so fucking special................

some unoriented writing..the girl with the french hat

as i walked by tesco,i saw a bunch of workers gathered around a bollard just opposite the hole in the wall cash machine.there were 6 of them.i suppose they were discussing matters about the construction that was taking place.it looked as though there was a problem with the construction going on and probably the foreman was discussing matters with some cleaner guy who were the only one without the safety helmet,safety boots and jeans that were covered in dust and dirt.taking advantage of the situation,the other 5 workers had a fiver where some lay their back against the bollard while others make a circle and had a good laugh among themselves. it was a good chat i suppose as they seem to be enjoying their company when suddenly a girl walked by these 5 guys and the chattering that took place drifted away.all eyes were on the passer by.she was plump.naah i think plump is not the right word.she was voluptuous.she was a tall fine young lady that might be in her early twenties and was in her best state.oh well i dont know how she is in her best condition but she surely was very presentable and a bit vogue i thought.nope she wasnt wearing anything extravagant but she really pulled it off with that cream french hat she had on and the big silver ring earring with the tight red top,some nice slim belt on her waistline and a very nice pair of boots i was about to say 'hellooo boots' to it.the buttons to her coat were undone and along with a nice mellow beige scarf that was hanging on her neck,her brown hair was flaring behind her as she walked.i suppose she was late as she walked rushingly but i have to say she walked with grace.she walked in a line and looked as though she was marching on the runway.
she definitely was a head turner.the guys couldnt get their eyes off her.it was amusing to be watching the scene and i giggled when their jaw eventually dropped and their head turned to send off the goddes that i bet was making their day for the morning.it was almost spontaneous and it happened within less than 2 minutes but they had a big grin on their face with some of them even had their eyes rolled.i wouldnt thought that as flirtatious.it was just natural.men will always be men.and they were just appreciating some work of art and in some way,making the girl's morning knowing she'd been admired.it worked both ways and they helped her boost her self confidence though i could see that her face was turned red and i guessed she was feeling shy being stared at from top to toe.but she truly was a goddess.she had my head turned too and ahah this might be embarassing but i was checking her out too.i was impressed.for a typical girl i would categorize her as plump but she sure knew how to appreciate her body and her curves appeared sexily voluptious receiving much appreciation.
now tell me,who says you have to be size zero to feel pretty when you can have all the good food in the world and still feel good about your body.i watched some documentary of celebrity diets about their healthy and balance diet and i pity them for that.thier idea of a balanced diet brings starvation into the picture,my framed imagination,one that i couldnt imagine for having some little tiny winy food on the plate that were supposed to provide the right balance of carb,protein and whatever nutrition for our body.and lets not start with all those herbal organic food they indulged in(they seemed so or maybe just putting on a happy face swallowing some raw tasting greens).believe me i used to have those algae(or whatever thats called) myself and it tasted like grass,well not that ive had grass before,yet they were selling it insanely expensive as it was claimed to be good for your health in particular bla bla bla.i couldnt care less.why do i have to be a cow feeding on some expensive grass when i can have all the good food that are there to dig in.
with these words being laid,i meant no offence to the vegetarians out there.these are just my little piece of mind on the idea of eating greens,raw.dont get me wrong,i do like green vegetables and i do eat vegetables.its just that,i dont eat just any of it raw.yes we have salad and all but grass??that maybe just a little too much innit?
oh well.back to the main thing here,i think all girls should be gratefull with whatever size they are having on their clothing label.not everyone was born with some frames that and some girls werent even all we have to do is making some effort on our experience and walla we can be whoever we want in our own skin.i know i know that this is much easier said than being done.i tend to be ungratefull about my body too,thinking iv always wanted some longer legs so they will look good in that pair of jeans i just bought,or maybe some smaller frame so i could fit in most dresses easily and urghh i really think my pair of hands are just too big for this wrist and huh dont get me started on my feet-theyre enormous that im finding a hard time fitting for shoes!(milla,u noe this right.huhu).yurp i too grumble about myself and being a self-contracditiry here but i am not a model nor a super goddess who were born with plain beauty.i am just me just like millions of girls out there.and we girls share a common anymosity;the scale and the mirror.
being out there this morning truely made my day.i am telling myself that from today onwards i will stop(or try to stop)grumbling about my body and appreciating it more as i was made perfectly fit for myself.maybe i could put on a little more weight if i felt like or lose a few kilos whenever i need to but im surely not going to torture my body into some cruel starvation.this french hat girl that i was talking about surely was a great example to all of the girls out there and i felt much better now.
hmm.now that i feel good about myself,maybe i could have a treat of some crunchy crushed oreo sprinkled over a mouthfull bowl of icecream.anyone? :)

mina mr. yaawwwww

okay yesterday was one hell of a funny story..hmm since ive started my blog in the middle of my so called 'new beginning' here,i might have missed a few occasions to share with you.but heyy no worries cuz i'll definitely have flash backs in my writings here.

to start things off,let me tell you that im currently house hunting.yes house hunting that is.my housemate had gone back to Malaysia for good(which i envy her for that) and i had to move out from our cosy little heaven that we used to love staying in, 41b Sydney Road N8 0ET.

oh well its not that i have to move out but i figured i couldnt be living alone in that house.ill go insane living alone not having anyone to talk to and to mumble to neither could i live there without looking forward to be meeting kak nana when i got home (and be shouting 'honeyy im home' down the stairs having kak nana welcoming me at the end of the flight saying 'hows your day,darling', our own little play ;P ) nor could i sleep alone on that bed without having my living thermostat heater(yes she was) at the other side of the cold bed before i could crept in between the duvet and fell into a deep sleep,having them all warmed up before hand(i always said 'kak nana,jomla tdo' whenever i was sleepy.huhuu.rinduu).

nope.i cant live here alone.i love this place.jatuh cinta from the first time i came for viewing.but tony wouldnt allow any other people to replace nana's spot(mind you,we had an intense interview with him before we were allowed to stay there) and that means,either im staying alone,or i go.and i cant.i really cant stay alone.
so i packed my stuff(and it took me days to finish packing.sigh~) and on the holy day of Eid,i head my way out of this little heaven to a new place in Upton Park.
good bye 41b.good bye mini gym.good bye mr. froggy,my prince charming.good bye tub(i spent an hour daily in the tub and i love it :(.good bye kitchen.good bye bed.good bye lounge.good bye love.good bye house.good bye sydney road.good bye turnpike lane. *sobbing*

thus here i am in upton park.but having lived in a little heaven or so i called it,i found every little things to complaint about this new place.im not entirely happy with this place and its location didnt help much.little madras i would call this place.no the house that im living in currently is okay but the place in the bigger context,im not really fond of.i used to have smiles whenever im going back to turnpike lane but i am indifferent heading home to upton park.i cant go on like this.i need to find a new place.

so the search begin.

i went on Gumtree and started searching for rooms to let and found quite a few that fell within my budget range with great locations.edgware road.where the hell could you get a room for gbp80 per week down there.but heyy i found some and i drop them a line.and one of those that i had contacted was mina.and this was what the ad said:

large studio flat sharing . i need nice person only girls . inc all the bells . for 75pw .
mina samir.

mina.tell me what would you have in mind?it sounded like a girl.so okay i gave this mina a ring.
i dialled his number and waited in anticipation.and the line was getting thru.
truut truut.truut truut.
then suddenly i heard a guy's voice at the other end.i started to choke.i thought i am calling for a girl.i lost my words for a while then i went on.'uh hello,can i speak to mina please'.i didnt ask much for the details.i arranged for a viewing to be held on the coming monday.it was all arranged and im due to meet him at 6pm monday.

immediately i messaged jeff to accompany me for the viewing.i started to have bad feelings.he had class until 5 therefore he would be available to come with me to see the flat.furthermore,its just few minutes away from his house and so we promised to meet up at M&S.but it was raining and it wasnt the hay rain like how the londoners are used to.it was a heavy down pour and poor jeff,he was soaked in the rain.i felt bad for dragging him along.i did.i really did.

we waited for mina to come and fetch us from Argos.i told jeff that i had a weird feeling about this mina guy.he advertised it for girls only but he himself is a guy.just a little reminder here,i dont really have any experience for this sort of business.jeff however assured me that maybe this mina guy is just letting out the room for another person.he could be the landlord or agent and doing it on the behalf of another girl.i was a bit relieved when i heard that.

then this guy came.he was a middle east man,probably in his 20's and not to deny,with a nice feature too.he was a nicely built young man and he was dressed in a black leather jacket and he's got this suave facade.ahah not architecturally.i was meant to say appearance :P

we walked a long way to his house.apparently we were waiting at the other side of edgware road and his flat was located more towards the marylebone road.his flat was at the basement but i thought its okay because basement in london had became a proper dwelling for londoners and you can really find some nice basement flats as such ive seen at bayswater.

but ahah.thats a loooooooong way from those of bayswater's.his flat particularly didnt seem to look like a flat at all.at least not for a proper living for most people because i could see he was quite settled down there.uhhmmm.let me start from the very beginning; the entrance to the flat.there was nothing wrong with the entrance door except for the fact that it was unnumbered and left unlock.oh no not even properly shut.i didnt see any effort from him to shut the front door.i suppose the door was purposely left open but heyy for what?it wasnt even summer if heat was being the issue to leave the door open.the flat was located at the main street and they could have easily invited some robbers(okay this is not malaysia),thieves to perk into his flat and steal things.uhmm as i walked down the stairs towards the entrance,i started piling question marks in my head.and it looked as though the compilation of the question marks was not stopping any time soon....

we stepped into the flat and it was dark in there.he opened the first door on our left hand side using his set of keys(now only i could see some use of keys) and lead me in.it was hmmmm scary i would say.the room was big,that was not arguable.he had two beds in the room.one double bed was located at the nearest right corner from the door and a single bed located at the right far end of the room.in between these two beds lies two bedside tables for both the beds and a 3seater sofa complete with a coffee table that you can rest your feet on and rilex.on the left side of the door,there was a row of cupboards for storage and he had many racks that were used to place his tv and all the stereos that he had.at the left end of the room,there was a small door,i would say its not the standard size as the height might be less than the standard 2100mm that lead into a shower room.

okay maybe it wasnt that scary when u read it the way ive put it.but trust me it was!first of all the condition of the room was unacceptable.it was a shabby room with a very little window which means very few sun that could penetrate in to lighten up the room.the room was not in its best condition (even if it was,i couldnt tell) and the furniture were all worn out.the sofa has got patches on it and a bit smelly i would say.and the shower room.urghh scarryyy.i opened the door to peek in and it was like a store in there.the door was obstructed by a pail and the whole room was dark.i only peek in a little.i need not see the whole thing.euuwww.

i didnt want to stay long in the room so i stepped out.jeff was out there waiting for me.i could see the expression on his face as he himself i suppose,was shocked to see this place.okay maybe i was talking about the room.lets step out into the common area.oh wait is there any common area there??na'ah..none!the rest of the flat was a dungeon and i mean it.if bats were to live in the heart of london,i would know that one of their home would be mina's flat.that i can tell you for sure.it was quite spacious out there but they treated the corridor like a dump site.

next to mina's door was a stove cooker.or at least that was what it's suppose to be.obviously it wasnt functioning.it was in its worst state.i would describe the stove as one of those in the restaurant's kitchen-the size were nothing of those for domestics use.but it looked like the thing was covered in dust of cements and sands.wherever that should come from.i couldnt figure that out.i was terrified.i was imagining some rats playing around on the stove as seen in the movies.there was another big machine of the stove's kind next to it.i couldnt tell what that was.then there was another door that lead to two rooms.and to add the misery of my visit there,i could see 3 guys of his kind was lying around in that room topless revealing their bulu bulu heyy.i was terrified and turned away.i wouldnt have the guts to peek in the room.

then mina told me at the end of the hallway was the toilet.it was,hmmm,disgusting.i had my forehead lined.what the hell was this??then on the right hand side of the corridor was a huge space.i would have guess it was the allocated space for the kitchen.i didnt had a proper look into those spaces but i could tell it was big.but i wonder why were there so many buckets of paints and probably bags of cements.and it casually went out my mouth 'oh i see you're having construction down here'.you would have thought the same.it was the only common sense that could answer why the place was so run down.probably there was some renovation work going on and they sort of left the places unkempt for tomorrow's work.but i guessed wrong.mina's expression changed.and i could guess he could tell by the look on my face that it was purely a sensible question.i looked at jeff and he himself looked puzzled.

we headed towards the door.i wouldnt want to spend another minute down there.just about the time we were heading to the door he invited us to come into his room and have a little chat.jeff was at the front and he made his way into the room.again.urghh.mina invited us to sit so we did.and suddenly he shut his door and i started to panic.i could never tell what kind of guy he is.he had about 3 or 4 old school hand phones jeff described them as stolen cells arranged on his bedside table.jeff had his head turning,he had his phone ready with emergency number-in case anything happen he could just dial up the number and scream for help.but of course,that didnt happen.

jeff started to ask who is the room mate.then he said it was him.ooohhhkayyyy.i was startled.jeff did all the talking.i couldnt believe what i saw just now,what more to be hearing these craps.
and so jeff went on.
'so where is she going to sleep then'
'she can have this bed'he walked toward the single bed and sat on the bay.'this is a heater bed you know,so you wont be cold when you sleep in the winter'.then he undid his 3 top buttons revealing his chest hairs and the blink blink hoppers necklace i would say that he has on his neck.
'i am not around most of the time.i come home from work at 6 and go to the gym until 9.so you will have a lot of privacy'.privacy?did he said that word privacy??i could almost fainted.if i am going to need some privacy,it would be best when im going to sleep and surely i wont trust him to be sleeping in the same four walls with me without risking myself.oh well,not that im thinking to.ohhh.God forbid.please.

i was stunned with the place bad enough and he was just adding to my misery with the offer.and i bet it was transparent and showed on to my face.i didnt want to be rude.well not at that very moment as anything could happen to me and jeff if say,to the worst of our thought,he starts attacking us.and dont forget the 3 topless guys in the other room.uuuhu i dont want us to get into any troubles so i tried hard to shuusshh my expressions away.i couldnt find any words to say and jeff was silent.i bet he ran out of words.mortified with this whole thing.then i saw the remotes.'oh u have sky.thats nice.'it came out sounding like im interested to this place.desperately putting up some interested face trying not to be rude.then he went on with other stuffs and started about the rent.okay,that i left jeff to handle with.my eyes were already on the door knob.

i didnt listen to the rest of the conversation but the next thing i knew we were already heading towards the door.i said good bye to him and jeff assured him that we will call back to confirm with him.which,obviously we did not.the place was so run down i could never imagine anyone could live down there.what more picturing myself walking in and out that corridor.yucks.it was a dungeon and one hell of a scary one.

it was still raining outside.but we couldnt care less.we just walked through the rain and kept on walking and walking and walking until we were out of mina's reachable radius.the place was desperate.and i dont want to ever remember ive been there.as soon as we realized that we were in the safe zone,we started to laugh.and we laughed all the way back to paddington.

jeff thanked me for bringing him to the darkest part of london.ahah thats a sarcastic one :P but i welcomed him.i was honoured to be the first to bring him to such places.ive only been here for few months but ive seen this part of london,even those who have lived here for years wouldnt believe that it exist.no this is no ordinary part of london.this is zone 1 with W1 as the postcode yet,its the darkest part of which no one could have imagined those places exist.

i wish mina luck in finding himself a female room mate.

and im expressing my gratitude to Him for having jeff along with me that day.for if im alone,i wouldnt know what might have happened to me.

things happenned for a reason.and this happens because nak tunjuk kat u la jeff tempat2 dodgy camtu kat West2 pn ade gak..:P

hating the hammersmith n city line,distrcit line and circle line...

okay today i am declaring my hatred towards hammersmith n city line,district line and circle line.i was waiting for the tube to come on the way home last night and it felt as if ive been standing out there on the platform for hoursss..hoursss that was!!

i hated it wen there had to be delays on these route because u know what,it seems like there are forever going to be delays..and the irony part was that the delay only occurred on the eastbound platform where i was actually heading to!!!!!the westbound trains came regularly and i was counting the seconds like shit it came every 2 minutes!!!!!and to mount up the hatred in me,there was the DLR route train on the other platform that stop by almost every 5 minutes..urghhhh come on tfl!!!

n to make matter worst,it was freezing cold last night and the wind was blowing at the speed rate of 50mph(mm okay maybe i was exaggerating but the wind surely made me unstable on few occasions that i was almost blown away and hell no not blown away in a lovey dovey way but the actual blown away by the rush of the 50mph against my slender unstable gravity point body off my foot!(thank God i wasnt on my heels!!or i might fell off the platform..aku ni pon pandai g diri dekat line kuning buat ape..haishhh)

apparently i was standing on its way and the wind was late for its appointment and was rushing like everything to make it on time to God-knows-where(i was thinking even,maybe it was late for its date..woaa rilex mr. windy,mrs.windy may be going mad a lil for your latency but we're talking bout my life here!!!)

and the fact that i was walking in the rain because i have forgotten to bring an umbrella previously didnt came to any help and it made my body shiver in the coldness..
n i was thinking oh cummonnnnn..ive had a bad day already(but a funny one) that i went to see a dungeon room at mina's place.

"i come home from work at 6 and i go to gym every day until 9"

then suddenly he undid the 3 top buttons of his jacket revealing the bulu bulu heyy and not to mention all the blink blink ice on the neck yawwww..omg jeff,im soo going to write about mina and his blink blink and the "heater bed" yg u bole beli 20 pound kat argos tu in my blog...muahahahaaaaaaa..bangge gle okay dgn heater bed die tuh...euwwwwwwwww

okay backk to the main topic...uwaaaa i soo miss msia n my little blue miss berhad that was always there to keep me warm wen it was cold outside,n gave me shed wen it was pouring rain like everything(this i soo miss about kl...huhu)n kept me chilled wen it was blazing hot..my miss berhad,u truely were my most precious gem in this whole wide world...uwaaaaaaa

mamaaaaaa...please can you courier my lil miss berhad to me

huhuuu...rindu turnpike lane..rindu picaddily line terbaik....tak suke tak suke tak suke hammersmith n city line n district line........tertekannnnnnnnn

boneless soul

i am there but am not presently there.

i am here but am not constantly here.

my first post for the longest time

i havent really been posting a blog about myself for the longest time so i figured i wanted to write one just as so to keep up with everyone else who'd seem to be having their blog links next to their status message on my messengers list.i always thought it was cool to be clicking on their links and be reading their day to day feed of their life and often i admire their openness to be writing down bits of their life knowingly.

sometimes it struck my thought and i would have this sudden urge to be writing down my link next to my name on their list so i could too claim it openly that i too have a blog to keep you updated with my life.i too can claim that im internet literate and benefitting it in all sort of other ways,having my profile and a piece of my mind on the net-my very own publication that is.and wouldnt it be cool that i get to be calling it adah's publication.

but all the urge will normally got swept away at the thought of having people that i know reading it.i'll get butterflies imagining people that i knew are going to be reading through my thoughts that were laid into some structured sentences and i got so nervous of what they might have think about it and what it could do to affect them,in any ways that is.i wouldnt be able to be writing about my true feelings and thoughts then,that i have to alter it to suit the readers' rating and that wouldnt be any short of deep thinking of filtering my own thoughts.and urghh i can imagine that then,writing can be so tiring.

i rarely wrote anything about myself publicly to the crowd of readers that i know.to be honest,i would be more comfortable to be writing anonymously and having readers who do not know me read through my piece and give some feedbacks about the issues that ive posted in both positive and negative ways.and its very encouraging too,knowing that their comments are authentic and sincere as they do not have to bluff to get me as they only knew me only from the tip of my pen;my keyboard in this age.i guess the satisfaction that i got from those sincere comments and critiques made me want to write even more and share the dramas that had been going on in my life with those people who had been following it,anonymously of course.

but okay shuushh all that.ive gotten a new blog to start with and thanks to the encouragement that ive been getting from people around me,i would say that ive been able to be posting my own piece as adah's,truly mine.
and what's great about that is that i can claim to people that '..oh,i have a blog too'
ive been keeping those words to myself this whole time and i think maybe its time for me to open up and let you have a glimpse into my life from the tip of my black ink pen.

now shushh there and let me think,what do i call my blog here..

*thinking hard* hmmm....