oleh kerana otak sangat lembap it pile up to be a frustration..ape it?it adalah bila otak lambat berfikir atau tak dapat memikirkan idea idea yang bernas,jadi membuahkan suatu perasaan iaitu kekecewaan terhadap diri sendiri..
selama 24 tahun belajar (tolak 4 tahun dari bayi hingga 5 tahun) atau lebih tepat lagi 20 tahun belajar (dan jangan lupa tolak 2 tahun bekerja) maka selama 18tahun hidup menuntut ilmu di institusi pengajian,tidaklah pernah saya terasa sangat bebal seperti sekarang.
ini adalah kekecewaan hati diri sendiri :(
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
wonderful
ade baaaaaanyak benda nak cerita and nak tulis.but because its holiday so i get to spend lots of time on the phone n internet with mjjaj n i told him most of my stories.n because this blog is specially dedicated for him (he was the one who pestered me to start this blog in the first place anyways), rase malas pulak nak tulis banyak2 because he already knew what ever that i wanted to write.
anyways,am going to lady gaga's concert this coming month.so sekarang tgh sebok study lady gaga's songs.haha stupid i know.but heyy i want to sing along nanti n not just terpacak layan music tapi takleh nyanyi.lol
n this one song me likey!!!
specially dedicated to mjjaj.again.hehee..sorry tapi who would have thought i'll be in love again after so many things?i thought im only good at being dumped and breaking hearts but i guess mjjaj managed to tie me to the ground and said no, its time for life!
will write more of the 2009.and conclude so much.will do that tomorrow though.today is still 30th and not the last day yet. :P
anyways,am going to lady gaga's concert this coming month.so sekarang tgh sebok study lady gaga's songs.haha stupid i know.but heyy i want to sing along nanti n not just terpacak layan music tapi takleh nyanyi.lol
n this one song me likey!!!
specially dedicated to mjjaj.again.hehee..sorry tapi who would have thought i'll be in love again after so many things?i thought im only good at being dumped and breaking hearts but i guess mjjaj managed to tie me to the ground and said no, its time for life!
will write more of the 2009.and conclude so much.will do that tomorrow though.today is still 30th and not the last day yet. :P
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
snnoooowwwww!!!!
yeah.again.its snowing in london!!
me: bbbb
me: SNOOWWWWW
(i sent picture of the snow rain in my yard)
jefriman: Bbbbbbbb
jefriman: London gilaaaaaa
me: tau takperrr
jefriman: sejuk tak
jefriman: takpe,jaket hitam i tu memang tahan tauu
=)
ape jeff cakap tu mmg betul.london gila.earlier this year we had a very thick snow (knee high!!) in london and yeah letme tell u something,IN LONDON!!london is not suppose to have all this heavy snow.this global warming is really starting to take its toll on the world's climate huh.
nevertheless,i get to experience having thick snow and making my own version of snow man (a little tiny one sbb too lazy to finish it..its freezing cold durhh!!)and i guess it would be nice too because they will be having white christmas this year.
thinking.wouldnt it be nice if i could have some gula melaka and kuah cendol here.nanti bila snow dah tebal bole scoop je the ice and have it with my cendol..sluuuurrrpppp
yeah keep on dreaming.crit is tomorrow for god sake get back to work!sigh
me: bbbb
me: SNOOWWWWW
(i sent picture of the snow rain in my yard)
jefriman: Bbbbbbbb
jefriman: London gilaaaaaa
me: tau takperrr
jefriman: sejuk tak
jefriman: takpe,jaket hitam i tu memang tahan tauu
=)
ape jeff cakap tu mmg betul.london gila.earlier this year we had a very thick snow (knee high!!) in london and yeah letme tell u something,IN LONDON!!london is not suppose to have all this heavy snow.this global warming is really starting to take its toll on the world's climate huh.
nevertheless,i get to experience having thick snow and making my own version of snow man (a little tiny one sbb too lazy to finish it..its freezing cold durhh!!)and i guess it would be nice too because they will be having white christmas this year.
thinking.wouldnt it be nice if i could have some gula melaka and kuah cendol here.nanti bila snow dah tebal bole scoop je the ice and have it with my cendol..sluuuurrrpppp
yeah keep on dreaming.crit is tomorrow for god sake get back to work!sigh
Friday, 11 December 2009
sambal belacan
you read that right.sambal belacan!
mom sent sambal belacan instant for me last monday.uncle capt (thats what we call him for being a capten) arrived monday morning with my usual lot mama used to send to me. tat nenas (my fave), kuah rojak from opah (i love opah!) and this time with 3 bottles of sambal belacan!wee hoo!!sambal belacan in bottles!!in return i send her the pressure cooker she's been asking for months now.hope she's got it now :)
so yeah sambal belacan.i went home and boy i couldnt tell you how knackered i was!tiring weekend,sleepless nights,tiring discussion yadaa yadaa.all i could think of was just have shower and sleep! (yeah,i didnt have shower this morning because i was sleeping at uni.shh.our secret :P)
put my stuff in the lounge,went into the kitchen and indulged myself with a cup of hot milo (u have no idea how milo comfort you so much in this cold lonely winter) and thought of what to have with my sambal belacan.
obviously i was too tired now to cook..so i let the cooker do his magic with the rice while i dug into the fridge looking for any left-overs to have with my sambal belacan.n tadaaa yess!i found not one but two left-over to have for dinner.one is peri2 chicken i had last friday (i never really finish my food and its very common for me to pack them, bring home, stuff in the kitchen until its time that i would think..naah its too long then in the bin u go!but this peri peri chicken had been saved by my sambal belacan weehoo!) and the other was some soup i cooked last week.cant remember when though :P
so yeah i reheat everything in the microwave,ran upstairs and had my refreshing shower and came back with everything ready complete with a sign..; DIG IN!!!!
n so i did.they were yummily delicious!!! (except for the fact that the chicken was then very dry thanks for 3days in the fridge and an inconsiderate level of heat in the microwave and the soup..hmm yeah actually the soup was off.but i ate it anyway because i knew my stomach could stand it but halfway through i just thought its too bitter for me to take.i know u might think im gross :P)
yeah for a long long time now i havent enjoyed my dinner as much as i did last monday.(or is it safe to say i only enjoyed my rice and sambal belacan?)
and thanx to my sambal belacan, i have all the drive to cook now!
the day before some fish
and tomyam for thursday
and kari ikan on friday
and now thinking wut to cook for today......
oh i still have the left over of yesterday's curry..i'l just reheat it and eat it with my sambal belacan!
yummilicious!
mom sent sambal belacan instant for me last monday.uncle capt (thats what we call him for being a capten) arrived monday morning with my usual lot mama used to send to me. tat nenas (my fave), kuah rojak from opah (i love opah!) and this time with 3 bottles of sambal belacan!wee hoo!!sambal belacan in bottles!!in return i send her the pressure cooker she's been asking for months now.hope she's got it now :)
so yeah sambal belacan.i went home and boy i couldnt tell you how knackered i was!tiring weekend,sleepless nights,tiring discussion yadaa yadaa.all i could think of was just have shower and sleep! (yeah,i didnt have shower this morning because i was sleeping at uni.shh.our secret :P)
put my stuff in the lounge,went into the kitchen and indulged myself with a cup of hot milo (u have no idea how milo comfort you so much in this cold lonely winter) and thought of what to have with my sambal belacan.
obviously i was too tired now to cook..so i let the cooker do his magic with the rice while i dug into the fridge looking for any left-overs to have with my sambal belacan.n tadaaa yess!i found not one but two left-over to have for dinner.one is peri2 chicken i had last friday (i never really finish my food and its very common for me to pack them, bring home, stuff in the kitchen until its time that i would think..naah its too long then in the bin u go!but this peri peri chicken had been saved by my sambal belacan weehoo!) and the other was some soup i cooked last week.cant remember when though :P
so yeah i reheat everything in the microwave,ran upstairs and had my refreshing shower and came back with everything ready complete with a sign..; DIG IN!!!!
n so i did.they were yummily delicious!!! (except for the fact that the chicken was then very dry thanks for 3days in the fridge and an inconsiderate level of heat in the microwave and the soup..hmm yeah actually the soup was off.but i ate it anyway because i knew my stomach could stand it but halfway through i just thought its too bitter for me to take.i know u might think im gross :P)
yeah for a long long time now i havent enjoyed my dinner as much as i did last monday.(or is it safe to say i only enjoyed my rice and sambal belacan?)
and thanx to my sambal belacan, i have all the drive to cook now!
the day before some fish
and tomyam for thursday
and kari ikan on friday
and now thinking wut to cook for today......
oh i still have the left over of yesterday's curry..i'l just reheat it and eat it with my sambal belacan!
yummilicious!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
hand me down
this song gives me goosebumps every time i listen to it.its amazing how song relates to you in many many ways right?
thanx for coming into my life! =)
thanx for coming into my life! =)
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
relocate?
i guess we cant complaint when we are studying.what more when we are funded to study abroad.shhh no complaints no blame.just work for it!
i havent had proper sleep for the last week and i am actually amazed at how my body react to it.im currently like a machine,im either switched on to do my work or switched off to sleep and rest.fair enough :)
i could deal with that.however,what upset me the most is i could not plan my journey time properly.its out of my hand.totally out of my hand.
i live about an hour away from campus.hmm not too bad considering in london,standard door to door journey is about an hour or so.so yeah okay thats not too bad n i dont have go through many changes.
if it is a smooth ride,i dont even have to wait long for busses.i just have to catch bus 42 from denmark hill to tower gateway in which the clear traffic journey is only about 25minutes.then i hop off the bus and hop on a dlr from tower gateway to cyprus station which takes another 25 minutes.so yeah smooth ride is about an hour to school.
hmm smooth ride haa.well u know what.its not always smooth ride everyday.on average it takes me roughly one and a half hour to school.spare the extra minutes waiting for the bus that dont ever seem to come and the bad traffic that u wished u have brought a bread to clear the jam.hmm i know.bad joke huh.
so yeah.studying is okay but its the travelling that drains my physical energy.mind you,standing in the cold with harsh wind gushing on you waiting hoping the bus to come for ages exhaust not just my physical energy but also mentally depriving i could say i lost 70% of my patience.tips: dont call or text me while im waiting for bus because i'll just blow it to you.ask jeff.he gets it everytime.
i think ive started liking the idea of living on campus.i wont just save my travelling time (which also means i could get more sleep), i would also save hell lot of money from travelling. and having all the facilities within walking distance tempts me.
last monday i stayed overnight in the uni and went to school the next day without bathing.i kept telling myself i stink (in which of course i didnt!) and yeah i would love to have a room in the hall so i could have the convenience of working and living without consideration of travelling on public transport.i almost thought ive clearly i made up my mind that i am going to apply for a room and move into the hall next year.
then i went home in the evening.and the first thing i did was put my stuff in the lounge.i have this corner in the lounge where i set up a working space so i could do my work.and i just rest on the couch,relieved to be home.and i went to make a cup of milo in the kitchen,i sat at the dining table and just look at the kitchen.my kitchen.my huge kitchen considering its london.and at one side of the wall i look at the row of shoes idora and i had on the shoe rack.visitors always thought there are more than 2 people living in this house at the first impression of how big the house is and many the shoes are!most of the time we just grin.afterall we are girls and girls LOVE shoes.
after having my cup of milo i head to my room upstairs.aaaahhh my room.my very own room.i hurried to change and have shower considering i have not bathed for 2 days now.and yeah if i havent mentioned i even have a sink in my room (i dont know why) but in many2 ways its an advantage to me because i dont have to do run to toilet everytime i need to use the tap.and its within reach from my bed meaning i dont even have to stand and walk from my bed to have a glass of water.n yeah bed.my white covered bed which i love so much.i could stay in bed all day and pamper myself with all sorts of manicure pedicure skin hair care product without having to go downstairs.i have them all here.and the parlour beside my bed is genius as it gives me extra work top to put my books and my little bedside lamp.often i read myself to sleep with all sorts of books that i read and the location of the lamp is just perfect.
lying in bed then,with my books,i thought to myself.could i give up all these homely feeling to the dormitary-like halls and having to share kitchen with another 4 other flatmates without knowing what type of food do they even eat.and could i even live without my lounge?my sunny lounge that overlooks the lovely grove lane and a tennis court that inspires me to play sports.even if i put all these sentiments aside,could the new hall or room accommodate my stuff?i tell you my stuff has grown so much i could not imagine myself moving from this house other than going back to malaysia for good.
hmm.at all time i wish i could relocate this house to somewhere closer to uni.or even better,relocate the uni to the city.haha crazy.oh well,i cant have them both can i.
i guess i have to choose.i will definitely be staying here until i finish with this year study.but do i want to endure the long journeys everyday to school again for next year?hmm i dont know.
i kept on thinking of it this way.
travel is a means to an end.home.
i havent had proper sleep for the last week and i am actually amazed at how my body react to it.im currently like a machine,im either switched on to do my work or switched off to sleep and rest.fair enough :)
i could deal with that.however,what upset me the most is i could not plan my journey time properly.its out of my hand.totally out of my hand.
i live about an hour away from campus.hmm not too bad considering in london,standard door to door journey is about an hour or so.so yeah okay thats not too bad n i dont have go through many changes.
if it is a smooth ride,i dont even have to wait long for busses.i just have to catch bus 42 from denmark hill to tower gateway in which the clear traffic journey is only about 25minutes.then i hop off the bus and hop on a dlr from tower gateway to cyprus station which takes another 25 minutes.so yeah smooth ride is about an hour to school.
hmm smooth ride haa.well u know what.its not always smooth ride everyday.on average it takes me roughly one and a half hour to school.spare the extra minutes waiting for the bus that dont ever seem to come and the bad traffic that u wished u have brought a bread to clear the jam.hmm i know.bad joke huh.
so yeah.studying is okay but its the travelling that drains my physical energy.mind you,standing in the cold with harsh wind gushing on you waiting hoping the bus to come for ages exhaust not just my physical energy but also mentally depriving i could say i lost 70% of my patience.tips: dont call or text me while im waiting for bus because i'll just blow it to you.ask jeff.he gets it everytime.
i think ive started liking the idea of living on campus.i wont just save my travelling time (which also means i could get more sleep), i would also save hell lot of money from travelling. and having all the facilities within walking distance tempts me.
last monday i stayed overnight in the uni and went to school the next day without bathing.i kept telling myself i stink (in which of course i didnt!) and yeah i would love to have a room in the hall so i could have the convenience of working and living without consideration of travelling on public transport.i almost thought ive clearly i made up my mind that i am going to apply for a room and move into the hall next year.
then i went home in the evening.and the first thing i did was put my stuff in the lounge.i have this corner in the lounge where i set up a working space so i could do my work.and i just rest on the couch,relieved to be home.and i went to make a cup of milo in the kitchen,i sat at the dining table and just look at the kitchen.my kitchen.my huge kitchen considering its london.and at one side of the wall i look at the row of shoes idora and i had on the shoe rack.visitors always thought there are more than 2 people living in this house at the first impression of how big the house is and many the shoes are!most of the time we just grin.afterall we are girls and girls LOVE shoes.
after having my cup of milo i head to my room upstairs.aaaahhh my room.my very own room.i hurried to change and have shower considering i have not bathed for 2 days now.and yeah if i havent mentioned i even have a sink in my room (i dont know why) but in many2 ways its an advantage to me because i dont have to do run to toilet everytime i need to use the tap.and its within reach from my bed meaning i dont even have to stand and walk from my bed to have a glass of water.n yeah bed.my white covered bed which i love so much.i could stay in bed all day and pamper myself with all sorts of manicure pedicure skin hair care product without having to go downstairs.i have them all here.and the parlour beside my bed is genius as it gives me extra work top to put my books and my little bedside lamp.often i read myself to sleep with all sorts of books that i read and the location of the lamp is just perfect.
lying in bed then,with my books,i thought to myself.could i give up all these homely feeling to the dormitary-like halls and having to share kitchen with another 4 other flatmates without knowing what type of food do they even eat.and could i even live without my lounge?my sunny lounge that overlooks the lovely grove lane and a tennis court that inspires me to play sports.even if i put all these sentiments aside,could the new hall or room accommodate my stuff?i tell you my stuff has grown so much i could not imagine myself moving from this house other than going back to malaysia for good.
hmm.at all time i wish i could relocate this house to somewhere closer to uni.or even better,relocate the uni to the city.haha crazy.oh well,i cant have them both can i.
i guess i have to choose.i will definitely be staying here until i finish with this year study.but do i want to endure the long journeys everyday to school again for next year?hmm i dont know.
i kept on thinking of it this way.
travel is a means to an end.home.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
sunday evening
sunday morning rain is falling
sunday evening wind is blowing
sunday sunday sundayyy
oh wow what a long day
i bet jeff is fast asleep now.i wish i could too.but i just know i cant.
am currently in the library.its 830 and its dark outside.no dlr for the weekend means urgh i probably need to sleep in the library.we will see.
sleep well b.didnt mean to do what i did today.i am just so lonely now not thousands of friends could fill the emptiness in the space that i have for you.talking to you makes my day.my everyday.
terribly missing you!
sunday evening wind is blowing
sunday sunday sundayyy
oh wow what a long day
i bet jeff is fast asleep now.i wish i could too.but i just know i cant.
am currently in the library.its 830 and its dark outside.no dlr for the weekend means urgh i probably need to sleep in the library.we will see.
sleep well b.didnt mean to do what i did today.i am just so lonely now not thousands of friends could fill the emptiness in the space that i have for you.talking to you makes my day.my everyday.
terribly missing you!
Friday, 4 December 2009
suddenly
i am currently reading cities for a small planet by Richard Rogers.and i find it amazingly inspiring.
i know i should be carrying on finishing this book but i cant help myself imagining of what i could do or what i would be able to contribute to malaysia in answering issues raised in this book.oh pardon me for not introducing the insight of the book.it is actually discussing the essence of a city of how it was, how it is and how it will be.and just by this main subject, i think it had successfully unfold the hidden cognitive content within the development of a city,an urban space and its relation to human being and how we behave towards the built environment.
i thought for a moment, i just have to pause and write instinctly the immediate impact i had from this book towards my thinking. i may just be too early to conclude anything but i guess the book had given me ideas of what malaysia could improve in terms of urbanization of a city and how the character of different cities should stay and create an agglomeration into an urban context as a whole.
yeah i think i have a better clarity of my ambition now. and undoubtedly im sure my ambition will develop into some what a vision of how i could contribute into making malaysia a better country. and i might have other different ideas that will come along through this journey.but one thing i am very sure is, i know i will want to make a change or at least contribute on developing urbanization in malaysia.from various aspect.
yeah i know tetiba hari ni semangat gile la kann.but heyy i am indeed a malaysian. and i guess its not wrong to be patriotic every once in a while. afterall, i am a government sponsored student. ;)
i know i should be carrying on finishing this book but i cant help myself imagining of what i could do or what i would be able to contribute to malaysia in answering issues raised in this book.oh pardon me for not introducing the insight of the book.it is actually discussing the essence of a city of how it was, how it is and how it will be.and just by this main subject, i think it had successfully unfold the hidden cognitive content within the development of a city,an urban space and its relation to human being and how we behave towards the built environment.
i thought for a moment, i just have to pause and write instinctly the immediate impact i had from this book towards my thinking. i may just be too early to conclude anything but i guess the book had given me ideas of what malaysia could improve in terms of urbanization of a city and how the character of different cities should stay and create an agglomeration into an urban context as a whole.
yeah i think i have a better clarity of my ambition now. and undoubtedly im sure my ambition will develop into some what a vision of how i could contribute into making malaysia a better country. and i might have other different ideas that will come along through this journey.but one thing i am very sure is, i know i will want to make a change or at least contribute on developing urbanization in malaysia.from various aspect.
yeah i know tetiba hari ni semangat gile la kann.but heyy i am indeed a malaysian. and i guess its not wrong to be patriotic every once in a while. afterall, i am a government sponsored student. ;)
kenaaa!!!
Haiiyoyoo what laaa have happenned to my motivation!!everyday sangat super tak productive and sleep anywhere i could.and eat all i cann..urghh ni sume winter punye pasal!!
i had a very helpful input from Christoph this morning for my essay topic thats due 6 weeks away and thanx to the early rise this morning and the fruitful discussion i had, i was very highly motivated to atleast complete a draft by the end of today.
so i head to the library,get to the online catalogue,look for the books that i find would be helpful with my critical analysis and head for just any vacant black machine nearby the window facing the breathtaking view of Royal Albert Dock and the City Airport just accross it.
magnificent view!great momentum!excellent references on the table.endless flow of pouring ideas and a black screened machine to assist with the research materials.you goo girl!
oh well so i thought...
this black screened machine is delusive.its dangerously dangerous!look what im doing now!after half an hour surfing the net and 15 minutes facebooking and about another 10 minutes typing this post, my references books and notes have stayed intact!!
nooo evil thing!!!look what you have done to my great momentum and my high motivation for the last oh well good one hour??!!!!
im soooo quitting you now and get backk to my books!dont believe me?ii amm quitting u now!yes!NOW!!
........
(okay i lied..im still on this black machine)
sigh!
i had a very helpful input from Christoph this morning for my essay topic thats due 6 weeks away and thanx to the early rise this morning and the fruitful discussion i had, i was very highly motivated to atleast complete a draft by the end of today.
so i head to the library,get to the online catalogue,look for the books that i find would be helpful with my critical analysis and head for just any vacant black machine nearby the window facing the breathtaking view of Royal Albert Dock and the City Airport just accross it.
magnificent view!great momentum!excellent references on the table.endless flow of pouring ideas and a black screened machine to assist with the research materials.you goo girl!
oh well so i thought...
this black screened machine is delusive.its dangerously dangerous!look what im doing now!after half an hour surfing the net and 15 minutes facebooking and about another 10 minutes typing this post, my references books and notes have stayed intact!!
nooo evil thing!!!look what you have done to my great momentum and my high motivation for the last oh well good one hour??!!!!
im soooo quitting you now and get backk to my books!dont believe me?ii amm quitting u now!yes!NOW!!
........
(okay i lied..im still on this black machine)
sigh!
Monday, 30 November 2009
winter wondering
good bye autumn helloooo winter...
winter...hmm
here is my definition of winter.
winter = coldness (its inevitable duhh)
winter = darkness
winter = loneliness
winter = laziness
winter = sickness
winter = wetness (apekahh)
winter = emotional depression
winter = mental depression
winter = constant hunger
winter = winter without you is the longest dreadful season i could have not imagine of.winter without you is the most depriving season it drains my emotions and energy just battling with the inner voices.winter without you is the darkest and i fear losing my way without your guidance.winter without you is the loneliest and i just do not know how to deal with.
when all my life i was always talking about dreaming big and flying high,i guess this winter gives me a different definition of a 'dream'.
one evening i was walking home when i passed a couple in my way.i thought they were crazy but i knew it was just jealousy.they were taking their time walking and laughing and chatting and giggling while i was walking quickly rushing to reach home and salvage myself from the cold wind gushing me outside.yea i guess it speaks a lot about walking alone and walking with someone you are very fond of what more someone you love.their warmth makes you forgot the coldness that surrounds you.and the feeling is just so surreal.
and i snapped immediately.i dont want to do this alone.
so yeah if it means i have to give up my dreams to be with you,i guess i would.i could always find other dreams to live up to.but i guess at the moment i could put my wishlist and dreamboxes aside and work on one bigger dream.i want to just get over with my studies and be with you.even if it means i have to come home for good,i wouldnt mind.even if it means i have to live with that little amount of money that i will earn working there,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i could not travel to the europe or any other places for a weekend treat or a short break,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i have to finally face the expensive price tags for basic living back home and worrying do i even have enough money to make it to the next pay,i would endure it at all.because afterall,doing all those other things without you is no fun and i would rather be figuring how to live within restrictions with you than living a free life alone.
so i guess winter really brings out the soft spot in me.and makes me realize that dreams are not just about myself but could also be shared with someone else.and that makes the dreams more meaningful than you could ever thought it will.
thank you winter for making me think.
*taking a deep breath*
am currently looking outside the window into the dark.sigh.its only 6pm but it already felt like its 11pm or so.guess i just have to go through this with extra strength and super extra discipline(otherwise all i do is sleep and i could never get my work done!).
oh well.do i even have a choice?looks like i just have to endure this loooong lonely winter.sigh
winter...hmm
here is my definition of winter.
winter = coldness (its inevitable duhh)
winter = darkness
winter = loneliness
winter = laziness
winter = sickness
winter = wetness (apekahh)
winter = emotional depression
winter = mental depression
winter = constant hunger
winter = winter without you is the longest dreadful season i could have not imagine of.winter without you is the most depriving season it drains my emotions and energy just battling with the inner voices.winter without you is the darkest and i fear losing my way without your guidance.winter without you is the loneliest and i just do not know how to deal with.
when all my life i was always talking about dreaming big and flying high,i guess this winter gives me a different definition of a 'dream'.
one evening i was walking home when i passed a couple in my way.i thought they were crazy but i knew it was just jealousy.they were taking their time walking and laughing and chatting and giggling while i was walking quickly rushing to reach home and salvage myself from the cold wind gushing me outside.yea i guess it speaks a lot about walking alone and walking with someone you are very fond of what more someone you love.their warmth makes you forgot the coldness that surrounds you.and the feeling is just so surreal.
and i snapped immediately.i dont want to do this alone.
so yeah if it means i have to give up my dreams to be with you,i guess i would.i could always find other dreams to live up to.but i guess at the moment i could put my wishlist and dreamboxes aside and work on one bigger dream.i want to just get over with my studies and be with you.even if it means i have to come home for good,i wouldnt mind.even if it means i have to live with that little amount of money that i will earn working there,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i could not travel to the europe or any other places for a weekend treat or a short break,i wouldnt mind at all.even if it means i have to finally face the expensive price tags for basic living back home and worrying do i even have enough money to make it to the next pay,i would endure it at all.because afterall,doing all those other things without you is no fun and i would rather be figuring how to live within restrictions with you than living a free life alone.
so i guess winter really brings out the soft spot in me.and makes me realize that dreams are not just about myself but could also be shared with someone else.and that makes the dreams more meaningful than you could ever thought it will.
thank you winter for making me think.
*taking a deep breath*
am currently looking outside the window into the dark.sigh.its only 6pm but it already felt like its 11pm or so.guess i just have to go through this with extra strength and super extra discipline(otherwise all i do is sleep and i could never get my work done!).
oh well.do i even have a choice?looks like i just have to endure this loooong lonely winter.sigh
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
contemplating but i guess i have to
drama!more drama in life!hehe
oh well.its just that i dont think i can cope.n now im posting in the office waiting for my boss to come.n yeah am going to tell him what i feel.
i cant cope.
its not the workload.its the travelling and rushing to get to places on time.i practically dont have free time as im always either in classes, at school, in the library or in the office working.and i dont get the privilege to enjoy my weekend as i have to compensate the hours i spent in the office on the weekdays.can you imagine how tired i am.sigh.
so yeah i dont normally give up but i guess studying is the main reason why i am here.
oh well.its just that i dont think i can cope.n now im posting in the office waiting for my boss to come.n yeah am going to tell him what i feel.
i cant cope.
its not the workload.its the travelling and rushing to get to places on time.i practically dont have free time as im always either in classes, at school, in the library or in the office working.and i dont get the privilege to enjoy my weekend as i have to compensate the hours i spent in the office on the weekdays.can you imagine how tired i am.sigh.
so yeah i dont normally give up but i guess studying is the main reason why i am here.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
noooo curve!
hello huhu...i guess im wrong there:i cant post blogs using my new blackberry.grrr...ive been typing on it to update this blog more regularly but i couldnt seem to find the 'publish post' button.ahh well.looks like i just have to work around the traditional way of postings and no, i wont be updating regularly as how i wished.
*still in italy.oh btw do u guys know we could use our mobile on the plane?how cool is that!*
*still in italy.oh btw do u guys know we could use our mobile on the plane?how cool is that!*
Friday, 6 November 2009
facebook status vs blog
i have so many things going on and sometimes i just find it hard to cope with it.oh well,most of the times.i thought being here at the very first place could help me adapt to the changes and supposedly i should be able to pick up with studies and the many things going on around me.hmm the initial plan that was.but reality is,though it does help at points,i still am struggling to juggle work and study at the same time.and now that im given even bigger responsibilities in the office,i am really really exhausting all the energies i have to balance my studies and work.as if i dont have enough of this demanding course,i still have to deal with stress at work trying to achieve targets.and i guess it makes sense if im all knackered by the time i reach home.and ouh this time saving makes it even worst now that the sun set is at 4pm which makes me mentally deprived as well.at times i did cry and at all time i hope jeff is around to spoil me with his delicious comfy food he cooks or simply just chill around and cheer me up.
being an emotion-driven girl,these things happening around me a lot of the times invites my mood swings.thank goodness that i dont have that many people around me,i havent really hurt anyone.but thing is sometimes i feel like wanting to let people know that im not well.and so i sought to facebook status to tell people how i feel.but hmm 90% of the time typing them out,i never really post it.i happen to have this thought,ouhh i dont want to be flooding other people's feeds with all sorts of my emotional break down status every 5 minutes.
though i think its better to keep it to myself,i still want to publish what i feel every so often!so yeah,now that i have my new blackberry curve,i will update what ever that i feel on my blog instead.because my blog is my space so hell yeah im going to flood it with my unspoken words-thanks to not having anyone to speak to(mind you my life now is all about work n studies.chill out?naah i'de rather be working on my studio work.durhh)
so yeah once again thanx to my jefriman for forcing me to buy a blackberry,i now can update my blog anywhere anytime!
being an emotion-driven girl,these things happening around me a lot of the times invites my mood swings.thank goodness that i dont have that many people around me,i havent really hurt anyone.but thing is sometimes i feel like wanting to let people know that im not well.and so i sought to facebook status to tell people how i feel.but hmm 90% of the time typing them out,i never really post it.i happen to have this thought,ouhh i dont want to be flooding other people's feeds with all sorts of my emotional break down status every 5 minutes.
though i think its better to keep it to myself,i still want to publish what i feel every so often!so yeah,now that i have my new blackberry curve,i will update what ever that i feel on my blog instead.because my blog is my space so hell yeah im going to flood it with my unspoken words-thanks to not having anyone to speak to(mind you my life now is all about work n studies.chill out?naah i'de rather be working on my studio work.durhh)
so yeah once again thanx to my jefriman for forcing me to buy a blackberry,i now can update my blog anywhere anytime!
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Allotment 51B
i was sleeping when i read the text from Donal last night.it was sent at 10:08pm and i was already slumped on the couch snoring my way through the night.
Final cost of greenhouse = gbp537.15, cost of manual labour =gbp0, countless days of agony in the rain =priceless!
yerp i only noticed the text this morning when i was setting off my alarm. i had a good laugh at it. yeah agony.tell me about it!
hello people!i havent been writing much have i?hehe pardon me for not finding time to update.oh well it doesnt really matter i guess because i officially dedicated this blog to some close friends who'd been bugging me to update how ive been doing.and yeah especially to you!so ive not really upset anyone right.
okay cool.
now,now that i have been back to school,i guess i have more interesting stuff to write.hmm let me think yeah oh yeah.i have got words pouring out of my head now my fingers couldnt cope with its pace.i probably need to improve on my typing speed because to be honest i think im pretty slow at typing,oh well compared to the speed jeff is typing.sometimes when i look at him typing emails or comments or his reports,i was always amazed at how fast he types and i kinda gave him that stare of a superhero.you know,the kind of look that you are staring up above at a superhero saving the world from the bad people,fighting the dinosaurs and dragons,and you have that sparkling eyes admiring and secretly whispering 'oh save me superhero!i love you!'.hahah i guess i had too much tv when i was small but hey,after all,jeff is my own version of superhero.forget batman and superman.ive got jefriman! how cool is that!
see i talks craps most of the times.back to the topic,or rather the text.for the past few weeks i had been some sort of cheap labor on the site working on constructing a greenhouse that my group had designed.the project was just amazing i think we combined few elements into our design and actually got it built!the site is an allotment site at N17 and we were supposed to build a greenhouse to a certain requirement within the budget of gbp300.but as always,being architecture students who always want to impress others,our group had designed a greenhouse that has got a shed attached to it and an incredible rammed earth wall!(imagine there is actually other group working on experimental rammed earth wall but we have already integrated it into our design and built it within the same time frame as the other one.arent we amazing!lol)
so yeah put the three big elements together and aint it obvious from the text that we blew the budget by almost 100%.n we didnt finish it on time.infact,it was dragged for almost a month until it was finally completed last sunday.no,before you start judging us as being lazybums,let me tell you how hard we had worked on it.
we have only got one week before we have to present our work.the group is made up from 8people and was split up into two i)do the timber work in the workshop at school ii)build the rammed earth wall!!and hooray the weather had been harsh on us that we had a wet week to work with.so yeah it makes sense when we were unable to finish on time because mind you,building rammed earth wall in the rain was not an easy task!and because the timbers were too long,the guys were not allowed to use the workshop and had to work in the rain,sawing the timbers manually.pity us?better do!
and yeah we were due to finish by friday which was not the case obviously.the coming weeks we couldnt come on the weekdays because the classes and unit works had kicked off leaving us no free time to be wasted on the site.and so it was dragged to the weekends and hmm let me see,for the past 4weekends,i dragged my feet out of the bed to the thought of going to the site and having to be cheap labour working in the cold.blerrrgghhhhh~
anyhow,we had fun.i had fun.haha no seriously,i had fun!perhaps i should share the fun i had with you so you could also see what the hell was i trying to say up there.jeff,this particular blog is especially dedicated to you.now dont nag at me saying i dont make friends with people.(i love u still :P)
Donal and i were assigned to find materials for the greenhouse and so we hop from one reclaim yard to another for the price comparison.
Donal checking out the timber we need for the post.these posts were priced at gbp19.hell expensive it was!!
timbers at reclaim yard.they were selling each piece of these at 50p!isnt it obvious we would go for this one instead? :P
our site.well i dont really have the site picture but these guys were having discussion on the site.
ok this is the grave we dug to bury ourselves in case the project didnt go right.haha!andy vee and hee (and me) were digging the soils to be used as rammed earth wall.
the framework for our rammed earth wall.
we had to put up a tent from the dpm avoiding the wall to be wet.rain oh rainn
i had a go at this but it was waaaay harder than how it looks.toby and hee ramming the earth in the framework.now u see the idea of our rammed earth wall?
yeay we've got one nice sunny day and the wall was halfway up!
yerp.im a girl but that was no excuse from the hard labor!after digging the earth out and mixing to a certain consistency(macam nak buat kek laa), we had to scoop it up into the framework for the guys to do the ramming.
the wall is done.time for framework!
thats right!we worked till late night and even in the dark!
and i havent got the rest of the pictures because i simply had forgotten to snap anymore.but anyhoo,this is how it had turned out to be!
tadaaaaa
our shed+rammed earth wall+greenhouse.it sure was a lot of effort putting these things together.look at those claddings!vee and i had to saw it out from pallettes manually!crazy work but yeah we had equal fun too!(sorry the group photo was with andy otherwise i would post it here as well ;)
Final cost of greenhouse = gbp537.15, cost of manual labour =gbp0, countless days of agony in the rain =priceless!
yerp i only noticed the text this morning when i was setting off my alarm. i had a good laugh at it. yeah agony.tell me about it!
hello people!i havent been writing much have i?hehe pardon me for not finding time to update.oh well it doesnt really matter i guess because i officially dedicated this blog to some close friends who'd been bugging me to update how ive been doing.and yeah especially to you!so ive not really upset anyone right.
okay cool.
now,now that i have been back to school,i guess i have more interesting stuff to write.hmm let me think yeah oh yeah.i have got words pouring out of my head now my fingers couldnt cope with its pace.i probably need to improve on my typing speed because to be honest i think im pretty slow at typing,oh well compared to the speed jeff is typing.sometimes when i look at him typing emails or comments or his reports,i was always amazed at how fast he types and i kinda gave him that stare of a superhero.you know,the kind of look that you are staring up above at a superhero saving the world from the bad people,fighting the dinosaurs and dragons,and you have that sparkling eyes admiring and secretly whispering 'oh save me superhero!i love you!'.hahah i guess i had too much tv when i was small but hey,after all,jeff is my own version of superhero.forget batman and superman.ive got jefriman! how cool is that!
see i talks craps most of the times.back to the topic,or rather the text.for the past few weeks i had been some sort of cheap labor on the site working on constructing a greenhouse that my group had designed.the project was just amazing i think we combined few elements into our design and actually got it built!the site is an allotment site at N17 and we were supposed to build a greenhouse to a certain requirement within the budget of gbp300.but as always,being architecture students who always want to impress others,our group had designed a greenhouse that has got a shed attached to it and an incredible rammed earth wall!(imagine there is actually other group working on experimental rammed earth wall but we have already integrated it into our design and built it within the same time frame as the other one.arent we amazing!lol)
so yeah put the three big elements together and aint it obvious from the text that we blew the budget by almost 100%.n we didnt finish it on time.infact,it was dragged for almost a month until it was finally completed last sunday.no,before you start judging us as being lazybums,let me tell you how hard we had worked on it.
we have only got one week before we have to present our work.the group is made up from 8people and was split up into two i)do the timber work in the workshop at school ii)build the rammed earth wall!!and hooray the weather had been harsh on us that we had a wet week to work with.so yeah it makes sense when we were unable to finish on time because mind you,building rammed earth wall in the rain was not an easy task!and because the timbers were too long,the guys were not allowed to use the workshop and had to work in the rain,sawing the timbers manually.pity us?better do!
and yeah we were due to finish by friday which was not the case obviously.the coming weeks we couldnt come on the weekdays because the classes and unit works had kicked off leaving us no free time to be wasted on the site.and so it was dragged to the weekends and hmm let me see,for the past 4weekends,i dragged my feet out of the bed to the thought of going to the site and having to be cheap labour working in the cold.blerrrgghhhhh~
anyhow,we had fun.i had fun.haha no seriously,i had fun!perhaps i should share the fun i had with you so you could also see what the hell was i trying to say up there.jeff,this particular blog is especially dedicated to you.now dont nag at me saying i dont make friends with people.(i love u still :P)
Donal and i were assigned to find materials for the greenhouse and so we hop from one reclaim yard to another for the price comparison.
Donal checking out the timber we need for the post.these posts were priced at gbp19.hell expensive it was!!
timbers at reclaim yard.they were selling each piece of these at 50p!isnt it obvious we would go for this one instead? :P
our site.well i dont really have the site picture but these guys were having discussion on the site.
ok this is the grave we dug to bury ourselves in case the project didnt go right.haha!andy vee and hee (and me) were digging the soils to be used as rammed earth wall.
the framework for our rammed earth wall.
we had to put up a tent from the dpm avoiding the wall to be wet.rain oh rainn
i had a go at this but it was waaaay harder than how it looks.toby and hee ramming the earth in the framework.now u see the idea of our rammed earth wall?
yeay we've got one nice sunny day and the wall was halfway up!
yerp.im a girl but that was no excuse from the hard labor!after digging the earth out and mixing to a certain consistency(macam nak buat kek laa), we had to scoop it up into the framework for the guys to do the ramming.
the wall is done.time for framework!
thats right!we worked till late night and even in the dark!and i havent got the rest of the pictures because i simply had forgotten to snap anymore.but anyhoo,this is how it had turned out to be!
tadaaaaa
our shed+rammed earth wall+greenhouse.it sure was a lot of effort putting these things together.look at those claddings!vee and i had to saw it out from pallettes manually!crazy work but yeah we had equal fun too!(sorry the group photo was with andy otherwise i would post it here as well ;)i am glaaaaaaddd that i dont have to drag my feet to the site this weekend.in fact,ide be happy to because we are having bonfire night at the site to celebrate our completion!yippie!good job guys!
ps/i was working hard too!i wasnt in the pictures wasnt because i tuang kerja but because i was the one who snapped the pictures.makes sense? :P
ps/i was working hard too!i wasnt in the pictures wasnt because i tuang kerja but because i was the one who snapped the pictures.makes sense? :P
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
mine, but his
when most of the times we thought we have the freedom to explore life, we often forgot that we are not on our own and we can never be on our own.
21 is just a number. it sets a time-limit, a key to the anticipated 'freedom' from teen life, a life controlled by an authoritative figure in the house; the parents. and thus many of those out there start running their life on their own terms and measures and at ease to the knowledge of not having to abide to the parents' own set of rule. this is more common in the west as observed because from what i can see and personally experienced, the eastern world is more family bounded and thence unless ure married(for girls) or still live under your parents' roof, you will still need to play the game within the limitation set in the house, regardless how old you are.
i used to think i was old enough to live on my own. and to make my own decisions. and to make my own mistakes. that is then i could learn from it and grasp as much values there are from the immediate result of my blunders. after all, a lesson is best learnt through experience as some had said.
and thence i started my own journey in finding my adventure in life. i mysteriously swim into the dark to unveil the lights underneath them all in hope of new discoveries.some excites me, some upsets me and most of the time i am indifferent due to the rapid changes that i most of the times find it hard to digest and cope with.
family is the best part. and one day if i will be blessed with my own kids, i will want them to undergo what i went thru with all the support n love from my family. my mother once reminded me, you can do what ever you want and discover all the potentials in life but just remember whatever you do, dont drag your dad into hellfire.
i clearly understood her. this life is mine, not hers. but whatever is mine is automatically my dad's. and untill the day i will be handed to a man called husband, my dad will be the one to bear my sins.
sometimes i think that life is not fair. i want to experiment with all sorts of things around me. i want to explore into spaces of probabilities and try to do the impossibles. i have so much things going on in my mind and the phrase we are only young once keeps on recurring in my head. i have lots of the i want to and i would love to in my list but how could i do that if whatever my action today will cause miseries to my dad later.
oh well i guess im not all that brave and mysterious after all. 21 is just a literary key to freedom. well practiced even in my family but truth is, there is no such freedom. i am a daughter. put a daughter in front of her dad, and she'll behave. put her behind the dad and she'll start to misbehave.and put her where she cant be seen, how badly can she be?
i fall into the same typical scenario. but one thing that keeps me on the ground, i dont want to be unfair to dad. sometimes being away widens your perspective. in my case, makes me wiser in my judgements. living where temptations are irresistable and the only barrier between you and it is yourself, keeping a deep thought of your parents especially your dad helps you stay on the guided path. moms got all the credits of us children doing so well where often, dads were forgotten. why dont us daughters start to remind ourself about how lucky we are to have a manly figure in our life as a hero. he who could and would do anything for us. and us daughters, lets start to not just picture ourself in our judgements. for dads are the ones who will be paying the circumstances.
21 is just a symbolic number. nonetheless, we daughters are forever bounded to dads' rules. because the lives that we live are not just ours, but also their's
this life i live is not just mine, its also his.
21 is just a number. it sets a time-limit, a key to the anticipated 'freedom' from teen life, a life controlled by an authoritative figure in the house; the parents. and thus many of those out there start running their life on their own terms and measures and at ease to the knowledge of not having to abide to the parents' own set of rule. this is more common in the west as observed because from what i can see and personally experienced, the eastern world is more family bounded and thence unless ure married(for girls) or still live under your parents' roof, you will still need to play the game within the limitation set in the house, regardless how old you are.
i used to think i was old enough to live on my own. and to make my own decisions. and to make my own mistakes. that is then i could learn from it and grasp as much values there are from the immediate result of my blunders. after all, a lesson is best learnt through experience as some had said.
and thence i started my own journey in finding my adventure in life. i mysteriously swim into the dark to unveil the lights underneath them all in hope of new discoveries.some excites me, some upsets me and most of the time i am indifferent due to the rapid changes that i most of the times find it hard to digest and cope with.
family is the best part. and one day if i will be blessed with my own kids, i will want them to undergo what i went thru with all the support n love from my family. my mother once reminded me, you can do what ever you want and discover all the potentials in life but just remember whatever you do, dont drag your dad into hellfire.
i clearly understood her. this life is mine, not hers. but whatever is mine is automatically my dad's. and untill the day i will be handed to a man called husband, my dad will be the one to bear my sins.
sometimes i think that life is not fair. i want to experiment with all sorts of things around me. i want to explore into spaces of probabilities and try to do the impossibles. i have so much things going on in my mind and the phrase we are only young once keeps on recurring in my head. i have lots of the i want to and i would love to in my list but how could i do that if whatever my action today will cause miseries to my dad later.
oh well i guess im not all that brave and mysterious after all. 21 is just a literary key to freedom. well practiced even in my family but truth is, there is no such freedom. i am a daughter. put a daughter in front of her dad, and she'll behave. put her behind the dad and she'll start to misbehave.and put her where she cant be seen, how badly can she be?
i fall into the same typical scenario. but one thing that keeps me on the ground, i dont want to be unfair to dad. sometimes being away widens your perspective. in my case, makes me wiser in my judgements. living where temptations are irresistable and the only barrier between you and it is yourself, keeping a deep thought of your parents especially your dad helps you stay on the guided path. moms got all the credits of us children doing so well where often, dads were forgotten. why dont us daughters start to remind ourself about how lucky we are to have a manly figure in our life as a hero. he who could and would do anything for us. and us daughters, lets start to not just picture ourself in our judgements. for dads are the ones who will be paying the circumstances.
21 is just a symbolic number. nonetheless, we daughters are forever bounded to dads' rules. because the lives that we live are not just ours, but also their's
this life i live is not just mine, its also his.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
[untitled]
and i see myself walking the streets of london.my journey had been a long one.and yet i still think i have not had enough of it.i could have gone back to my place but ive decided to wait.theyve gone out to ikea to buy new stuff for their new pad.it was a full round of one hour wait but its okay.bless them for providing me a roof over my head.and providing me with some companion and shelter me from horrendous emotional breakdown.yes,they were my emotional supplement.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...
life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.
we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.
hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.
izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.
endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....
im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.
i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!
living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.
i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...
life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.
we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.
hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.
izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.
endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....
im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.
i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!
living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.
i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
terrrr
kamu sungguh terencat.bila kamu rasa terencat kamu megecat.apakah kamu ingat apabila kamu mengecat kamu bole terlepas dari segala cercatan?kadang kadang kerencatan minda boleh membuatankan kamu dilumur cat.maka si tukang cat.silalah campurkan cat cat yang ada agar warna dinding dinding ini cantik belaka ;)
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
i was so nervous
i did. i was so nervous i felt like passing out. i was soo nervous my stomach could not take the roti bakar mamak i ordered for my breakfast. in fact i was so nervous i felt like throwing out!
urghh..okay enough with the drama.
today i went to attend an interview at Veritas for a short attachment / internship / training or whatever other terms you want to call it.i just thought well since im going back to school this september i better get myself grounded in architecture again.umm that doesnt sound right.i was mean to say that well,since ive been away from architecture itself for about a year now,the smart thing to do before getting back to school empty headed is to get a feel of it again and hopefully by these short attachments,i could grasp the essence or mood or the 'feel' that will prepare me for the coming 2 strainfull year.ouch i could feel it on my bone now. :s
the interview went well without any hiccups in which i was so grateful for.Alhamdulillah.and to make things short,ive nailed it.at first i thought it will be almost impossible for any company to accept me for the extremely short period of time what more to be welcomed by a high profiled company like them but i guess they are generous enough to offer me a placement with a belief that i can learn quite a lot while im with them provided that i myself am willing to put an extra effort to prove them that its worthwhile hiring me than those many other pending applicants.
and i know when i said 'im up for the challenge,' i made a big promise not only to them but also to myself to prove them what a Raudhah is worth.
huhuhuwaaa ayat berkobar kobar!!!!
oh well......
meantime,im still having kecut perut n all other nervous syndroms i had this morning.yes the interview was over successfully and yes im starting next week after im done with btn but no,these syndroms arent leaving.infact they got worst and started to give me high blood pressure.arghhhhh
errr please pray that i'll make it through this intensive 6 weeks insyaAllah.ameen
:S
urghh..okay enough with the drama.
today i went to attend an interview at Veritas for a short attachment / internship / training or whatever other terms you want to call it.i just thought well since im going back to school this september i better get myself grounded in architecture again.umm that doesnt sound right.i was mean to say that well,since ive been away from architecture itself for about a year now,the smart thing to do before getting back to school empty headed is to get a feel of it again and hopefully by these short attachments,i could grasp the essence or mood or the 'feel' that will prepare me for the coming 2 strainfull year.ouch i could feel it on my bone now. :s
the interview went well without any hiccups in which i was so grateful for.Alhamdulillah.and to make things short,ive nailed it.at first i thought it will be almost impossible for any company to accept me for the extremely short period of time what more to be welcomed by a high profiled company like them but i guess they are generous enough to offer me a placement with a belief that i can learn quite a lot while im with them provided that i myself am willing to put an extra effort to prove them that its worthwhile hiring me than those many other pending applicants.
and i know when i said 'im up for the challenge,' i made a big promise not only to them but also to myself to prove them what a Raudhah is worth.
huhuhuwaaa ayat berkobar kobar!!!!
oh well......
meantime,im still having kecut perut n all other nervous syndroms i had this morning.yes the interview was over successfully and yes im starting next week after im done with btn but no,these syndroms arent leaving.infact they got worst and started to give me high blood pressure.arghhhhh
errr please pray that i'll make it through this intensive 6 weeks insyaAllah.ameen
:S
Saturday, 18 July 2009
home
2.37 am
and i cant sleep.oh well ive been sleeping the whole day it seems like its impossible to sleep now.the thought of being able to ride again excites me a lot.but thing is baba has got his bowling tournament tomorrow and i dont feel like going down to the stable on my own.i had a look at my equipments and they are still doing good.my breeches are still in a good condition but i couldnt find my glove anywhere.oh yeah i need to find myself a good chap soon.haha i know i know its not that im really good at it.but i have all the interest in equestrian and i find it a very fullfilling sport.
naah.put that aside.i wont make it for tomorrow being awake as late as now.and ema quits trotting.she finds it boring.blerhh whatever.
oh im sneezing again.i havent got this sinus problem since the past 12 months but here i am sneezing like all it matters.mama put me downstairs in the guest room to 'quarantine' me in fear of H1N1.i laughed but it is actually a good idea.atleast i got to sleep in the air cond.well its not that im being fussy here but hmm the heat is really getting on my nerve.and think of hot+humid.not good.i felt sticky and sweaty all day.yesterday i had shower after midnight because i felt sticky and sweaty.oh well it was a quick shower and so to extend the time i spend in the bathroom,i washed it from walls to the floor and from the mirrors to the wc.i spent hours in the bathroom early in the morning and as soon as i stepped out from the bathroom i saw the air cond.and i cursed myself.why did i have to go through all those scrubbing and polishing in the bathroom just to create an excuse to play with the water when i could just switch on the air cond and lie down comfortably without having my nails broken.hmm.but then i thought.oh well at least i know the bathroom is cleaned.happy thoughts =)
mila came yesterday and we had a loooooong talk.haha i know its just a talk but one thing you dont know is that its different talking to mila.she read me well and i love it.and i stupidly humiliate myself (as always) because i wore the same pattern shawl that i bought for her from Tie Rack.konon2 presentation dah cantik i gave it to her in a beautiful white Tie Rack box but then i remembered shoot i am wearing the same shawl.cepat2 bukak tudung n pretended like nothing happen but it couldnt be concealed anymore because it was so obvious.haha.oh well atleast you know that im still the clumsy adah u knew before =P
and oh i had dinner with kak aza n abg alfi before that.they are as happily married and i pray for their tiny tot to come soon.soooooonnnnnn.hehe.
aint it good to be home. =)
and i cant sleep.oh well ive been sleeping the whole day it seems like its impossible to sleep now.the thought of being able to ride again excites me a lot.but thing is baba has got his bowling tournament tomorrow and i dont feel like going down to the stable on my own.i had a look at my equipments and they are still doing good.my breeches are still in a good condition but i couldnt find my glove anywhere.oh yeah i need to find myself a good chap soon.haha i know i know its not that im really good at it.but i have all the interest in equestrian and i find it a very fullfilling sport.
naah.put that aside.i wont make it for tomorrow being awake as late as now.and ema quits trotting.she finds it boring.blerhh whatever.
oh im sneezing again.i havent got this sinus problem since the past 12 months but here i am sneezing like all it matters.mama put me downstairs in the guest room to 'quarantine' me in fear of H1N1.i laughed but it is actually a good idea.atleast i got to sleep in the air cond.well its not that im being fussy here but hmm the heat is really getting on my nerve.and think of hot+humid.not good.i felt sticky and sweaty all day.yesterday i had shower after midnight because i felt sticky and sweaty.oh well it was a quick shower and so to extend the time i spend in the bathroom,i washed it from walls to the floor and from the mirrors to the wc.i spent hours in the bathroom early in the morning and as soon as i stepped out from the bathroom i saw the air cond.and i cursed myself.why did i have to go through all those scrubbing and polishing in the bathroom just to create an excuse to play with the water when i could just switch on the air cond and lie down comfortably without having my nails broken.hmm.but then i thought.oh well at least i know the bathroom is cleaned.happy thoughts =)
mila came yesterday and we had a loooooong talk.haha i know its just a talk but one thing you dont know is that its different talking to mila.she read me well and i love it.and i stupidly humiliate myself (as always) because i wore the same pattern shawl that i bought for her from Tie Rack.konon2 presentation dah cantik i gave it to her in a beautiful white Tie Rack box but then i remembered shoot i am wearing the same shawl.cepat2 bukak tudung n pretended like nothing happen but it couldnt be concealed anymore because it was so obvious.haha.oh well atleast you know that im still the clumsy adah u knew before =P
and oh i had dinner with kak aza n abg alfi before that.they are as happily married and i pray for their tiny tot to come soon.soooooonnnnnn.hehe.
aint it good to be home. =)
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
this journey
im dreading...
knowing the fact that i'll return here and things wouldnt be the same,im dreading my journey tomorrow..i want to stay here for as long as it can be for the way things are now...
*sobs*
silent
uhhh its actually me..and its raining on my cheek...:(
knowing the fact that i'll return here and things wouldnt be the same,im dreading my journey tomorrow..i want to stay here for as long as it can be for the way things are now...
*sobs*
silent
uhhh its actually me..and its raining on my cheek...:(
Monday, 13 July 2009
lihat di kanan --->
hehe
cuba lihat di kanan..yeayy ive put the toll hit counter sebab ive started publishing my blog link kat facebook!haha perak..i know i know lambat gleee ade blog baru nak letak..but heyy im opening up remember? :D :D
write summore soon..meantime got packing to do..
cuba lihat di kanan..yeayy ive put the toll hit counter sebab ive started publishing my blog link kat facebook!haha perak..i know i know lambat gleee ade blog baru nak letak..but heyy im opening up remember? :D :D
write summore soon..meantime got packing to do..
Thursday, 9 July 2009
the clock is ticking fast
expressing my thought and writing a day to day feed are two different things.hmmm.
ookay i get it.
i know i should write more interesting feeds rather than just the unspoken words in my head.but heyy im trying to open up here okayy.
i'll keep trying and i think i really should soon.i guess the thought of being in such the distance scares me.a lot.we're going to be far apart so im going to write the updates more regularly so you will know what is happening.hopefully we'll have a good time while we're still here.
tic tic tic tic tic........
jam tolong cepat sikit jalan boleh tak?adah nak gi dating petang nanti.. ^-^
ookay i get it.
i know i should write more interesting feeds rather than just the unspoken words in my head.but heyy im trying to open up here okayy.
i'll keep trying and i think i really should soon.i guess the thought of being in such the distance scares me.a lot.we're going to be far apart so im going to write the updates more regularly so you will know what is happening.hopefully we'll have a good time while we're still here.
tic tic tic tic tic........
jam tolong cepat sikit jalan boleh tak?adah nak gi dating petang nanti.. ^-^
Monday, 22 June 2009
Monday, 1 June 2009
lepaskanlah
no offence.no nothing.
i just thought this relates to many many many girls out there
enjoy :)
i just thought this relates to many many many girls out there
enjoy :)
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
*long silence*
im just plain liking it..
one step at a time seems like the right thing to do...
aint it so? :)
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
h a p p y . . . :)
happy. and that sums it all.
oh well for the past few days ive been blessed. mama baba are here with me and yes, opah too!
theyve arrived last friday early in the morning and bless my boss for letting me work fro home, i get to spend some times with them at home. and that very day they arrived, they pushed off to cardiff and straight to newport and ever cince, they've been on the wheels until today. its very tiring i have to admit but they seem to have all the excitements sparking the energy to keep on going. and yes, today they went up north-east to Norwich for a day trip.
i'll write more of our journey but till then,im just so happy they're here i think writing is a waste of time.i'de rather sit around and giggle with pah or chat with mama baba.
lovessss :) <3
oh well for the past few days ive been blessed. mama baba are here with me and yes, opah too!
theyve arrived last friday early in the morning and bless my boss for letting me work fro home, i get to spend some times with them at home. and that very day they arrived, they pushed off to cardiff and straight to newport and ever cince, they've been on the wheels until today. its very tiring i have to admit but they seem to have all the excitements sparking the energy to keep on going. and yes, today they went up north-east to Norwich for a day trip.
i'll write more of our journey but till then,im just so happy they're here i think writing is a waste of time.i'de rather sit around and giggle with pah or chat with mama baba.
lovessss :) <3
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
smile :)
good good!
and we all smiled. oh well i did not at first. i was stunned staring at the screen. jeff was saying i flunk but i was seeing otherwise. i lost my word. i was happy. i wanted to scream and shout and jump around in excitement. i had all those energy inside but i guess i was more upset with the stupid joke jef threw me in.
Alhamdulillah :)
oh well i still have a long way to go. after a not-so-good interview session i had with UCL that really pulled me down, this news did its magic and cheered me up!
Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah....
I cant get enough of praising You Lord for your generousity..
Mama on the other end sounded happy.oh well.it is a happy news and she can feel now that half of the future financial burden is off her shoulder now.and oh,baba's too..:)
Alhamdulillah.
now all i need to do is wait for the reply from Bartlett.oh if only you know how im dying to be granted the placement from them.oh if only they know how i would put my 200% efforts if im accepted into their units.and ohhh if only they know how i will make a very diligent student in their department.and oh if only the whole world know how much it would mean to me.
i know i have no other sources to ask from.Lord, i humbly plea your kindness to bless me with this great placement.please Lord, help me through this long journey i am about to embark on.and please make the path easy for me.Ameen :)
and we all smiled. oh well i did not at first. i was stunned staring at the screen. jeff was saying i flunk but i was seeing otherwise. i lost my word. i was happy. i wanted to scream and shout and jump around in excitement. i had all those energy inside but i guess i was more upset with the stupid joke jef threw me in.
Alhamdulillah :)
oh well i still have a long way to go. after a not-so-good interview session i had with UCL that really pulled me down, this news did its magic and cheered me up!
Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah....
I cant get enough of praising You Lord for your generousity..
Mama on the other end sounded happy.oh well.it is a happy news and she can feel now that half of the future financial burden is off her shoulder now.and oh,baba's too..:)
Alhamdulillah.
now all i need to do is wait for the reply from Bartlett.oh if only you know how im dying to be granted the placement from them.oh if only they know how i would put my 200% efforts if im accepted into their units.and ohhh if only they know how i will make a very diligent student in their department.and oh if only the whole world know how much it would mean to me.
i know i have no other sources to ask from.Lord, i humbly plea your kindness to bless me with this great placement.please Lord, help me through this long journey i am about to embark on.and please make the path easy for me.Ameen :)
Monday, 18 May 2009
plays, please go away
over the past few days i had been having the scene played over and over again in my head. it was simply, informal. at first i thought ive nailed it but it didntt went as smooth and i deviated!!
the thought of it was soo frustrating. i wish i would have just scrapped the term and presented my hope in the simplest language one could ever understand. jargon, leave please! i dont need different terms. at least simple words convey what i meant. i should have i should have i should have!!!
oh loose it..that was so frustrating..humps, do you have to keep coming in front of my ways?
i need a smooth ride, not a bumpy one.......:(
budak darjah lima, jangan buat lawak bodoh lagi dah ye..sungguh bengang tahu tak?
the thought of it was soo frustrating. i wish i would have just scrapped the term and presented my hope in the simplest language one could ever understand. jargon, leave please! i dont need different terms. at least simple words convey what i meant. i should have i should have i should have!!!
oh loose it..that was so frustrating..humps, do you have to keep coming in front of my ways?
i need a smooth ride, not a bumpy one.......:(
budak darjah lima, jangan buat lawak bodoh lagi dah ye..sungguh bengang tahu tak?
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Sunday, 10 May 2009
h o p e . . . ?
excitement strikes. am currently filled with joy and anxiousness. suddenly the sky is bluer than it seems. and the weather is prettier than it should be. the trees are dancing to the winds. the sun is shining brightly and the wind is whispering faintly through my ears. summer breeze is on his way.
i stood up straight arms wide open face up to the sun. i am just happy and the universe seems to be sharing it with me.i am smiling and i cant stop.
in my eyelids i see little children flying kites in the sky, running around chasing each other chattering gleefully. i felt as if im part of them. i wanted to join them, badly i do. i waived and i waived till i get noticed. we didnt speak but we ggigled our way. i am them! i am the children in the lids! they are the happy thoughts i have thats been playing around in my head. they are my inner strength ready to strike focused and they are the postive energy that echoes in my ears.
but joy, please dont go overboard!
and ive got a sudden urge. i wanted to jump but my feet got stuck on the ground. i wanted to run but my legs are too heavy to move. i wanted to shout but my throat seems to dry out and im left with all these excitement without any chances of expressing it to the world.
i sat straight and still. my stomach is swirling. butterflies are flapping inside.. oh no i felt a sudden sickness and im all sweating now. children, where are you? where have you all been to? please dont leave me alone. please help me overcome this sickness. for a moment i lied down helplessly. no more green grass. no more kites. no more summer breeze. no nothing. only me and the blazing hot sands.
why do i have to be here?why do i even have to be here?
the battle is within me. listen to the dark and i'll faint. hold on to the light and i'll rise. i definitely will! 'hope, dont leave me in the dark..' 'please, carry me through to the lights..' i begged and i begged. i dont want to face all these alone.
all these little plays that i have, they are me! and they resemble me.
flush these darkness away. i cant afford to lose my strength. at least not for now nor never. i want to hear the gleeful voices in my head, forever. am going to wash my head and my hair. and am going to wrap them with optimism. im rising up again. higher than before.
Dear Allah, please help me through. hamba-Mu ini amatlah lemah menghadapi dunia-Mu. murahkanlah rezeki ku dan permudahkan lah urusan ku..ameen..
i stood up straight arms wide open face up to the sun. i am just happy and the universe seems to be sharing it with me.i am smiling and i cant stop.
in my eyelids i see little children flying kites in the sky, running around chasing each other chattering gleefully. i felt as if im part of them. i wanted to join them, badly i do. i waived and i waived till i get noticed. we didnt speak but we ggigled our way. i am them! i am the children in the lids! they are the happy thoughts i have thats been playing around in my head. they are my inner strength ready to strike focused and they are the postive energy that echoes in my ears.
but joy, please dont go overboard!
and ive got a sudden urge. i wanted to jump but my feet got stuck on the ground. i wanted to run but my legs are too heavy to move. i wanted to shout but my throat seems to dry out and im left with all these excitement without any chances of expressing it to the world.
i sat straight and still. my stomach is swirling. butterflies are flapping inside.. oh no i felt a sudden sickness and im all sweating now. children, where are you? where have you all been to? please dont leave me alone. please help me overcome this sickness. for a moment i lied down helplessly. no more green grass. no more kites. no more summer breeze. no nothing. only me and the blazing hot sands.
why do i have to be here?why do i even have to be here?
the battle is within me. listen to the dark and i'll faint. hold on to the light and i'll rise. i definitely will! 'hope, dont leave me in the dark..' 'please, carry me through to the lights..' i begged and i begged. i dont want to face all these alone.
all these little plays that i have, they are me! and they resemble me.
flush these darkness away. i cant afford to lose my strength. at least not for now nor never. i want to hear the gleeful voices in my head, forever. am going to wash my head and my hair. and am going to wrap them with optimism. im rising up again. higher than before.
Dear Allah, please help me through. hamba-Mu ini amatlah lemah menghadapi dunia-Mu. murahkanlah rezeki ku dan permudahkan lah urusan ku..ameen..
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
when my mind whispers...
Tuesday, 9.00am
Am in the bus. The journey had been a very slow one. Never mind that. Ive slept my whole way through. I can feel that my contact lenses gets a bit dry. Probably because Ive been sleeping my whole way through. My vision is blurred. I took my cell out and glanced at the time. Shit im soo late! And Im still 10 minutes away. Hmm its okay I bet Handel is stil on his way. I sat relaxed. But this triggers me. Am I ignorant?
Tuesday, 9.15am
I got off the bus. My tummy is growling. Yes I kept a beast inside. I walked by Tesco. I wanted to go in to grab a bite. Went to the automated door but the time struck. I am just late and still thought of getting a bite. Am I ignorant? Walked straight to the office.
Tuesday, 9.20am
Got into the avenue. Saw Nathan's open today. Thought of checking if Handel dropped by before. Nope he must have waited for me. Changed my mind and went straight into the building. Am I ignorant?
Tuesday, 9.25am
As I should have thought, Handel was there waiting in the corridor. Prince came early to clean the office. They are never late. Greeted Handel but forgotten to do just the same to Prince. He still is a being just like anyone else. Am I ignorant? Turned around to greet but circumstances says too late. Just smiled. I dont want to be ignorant. Nor arrogant.
Tuesday, 9.35am
Looked at the task for today. Few bookings. Should I call the Landlord now or later? Navigated away and into my email. Am I ignorant? Went straight for the telephone and dialled the number. The enthusiastic voice on the other end was happy to get a confirmation call from me. Dont! Dont be such an ignorant person.
Tuesday, 10.40am
Tummy is growling. Went down to Tesco. Walked down the bakery isle and felt like buying all of the freshly baked items. Nafsu! Took quite a few but remembered still have some croissants in my drawer. But its left over few days now. Am I ignorant? Others are suffering from malnutrition and Im wasting? Put back the excessive buns. Thrifty is the new me!
Tuesday, 10.48am
Paid my croissant and heading for the exit. Saw a woman with a shopping bag. Woman put a few wine bottles into the bag. Woman looks suspicious. Woman stared at me with flicking eyes. I could have shouted for security but I only looked. Woman escaped the door. I was left stunned. Woman did not run, only walked. Security could have caught her if I shouted. But I did not. Ive only walked away as if nothing happened in front of my eyes. Am I ignorant?
Been asking myself this question all morning but the incident proved me. I guess I am. Well I dont want to!
Wake me up. I dont want to be ignorant!
Am in the bus. The journey had been a very slow one. Never mind that. Ive slept my whole way through. I can feel that my contact lenses gets a bit dry. Probably because Ive been sleeping my whole way through. My vision is blurred. I took my cell out and glanced at the time. Shit im soo late! And Im still 10 minutes away. Hmm its okay I bet Handel is stil on his way. I sat relaxed. But this triggers me. Am I ignorant?
Tuesday, 9.15am
I got off the bus. My tummy is growling. Yes I kept a beast inside. I walked by Tesco. I wanted to go in to grab a bite. Went to the automated door but the time struck. I am just late and still thought of getting a bite. Am I ignorant? Walked straight to the office.
Tuesday, 9.20am
Got into the avenue. Saw Nathan's open today. Thought of checking if Handel dropped by before. Nope he must have waited for me. Changed my mind and went straight into the building. Am I ignorant?
Tuesday, 9.25am
As I should have thought, Handel was there waiting in the corridor. Prince came early to clean the office. They are never late. Greeted Handel but forgotten to do just the same to Prince. He still is a being just like anyone else. Am I ignorant? Turned around to greet but circumstances says too late. Just smiled. I dont want to be ignorant. Nor arrogant.
Tuesday, 9.35am
Looked at the task for today. Few bookings. Should I call the Landlord now or later? Navigated away and into my email. Am I ignorant? Went straight for the telephone and dialled the number. The enthusiastic voice on the other end was happy to get a confirmation call from me. Dont! Dont be such an ignorant person.
Tuesday, 10.40am
Tummy is growling. Went down to Tesco. Walked down the bakery isle and felt like buying all of the freshly baked items. Nafsu! Took quite a few but remembered still have some croissants in my drawer. But its left over few days now. Am I ignorant? Others are suffering from malnutrition and Im wasting? Put back the excessive buns. Thrifty is the new me!
Tuesday, 10.48am
Paid my croissant and heading for the exit. Saw a woman with a shopping bag. Woman put a few wine bottles into the bag. Woman looks suspicious. Woman stared at me with flicking eyes. I could have shouted for security but I only looked. Woman escaped the door. I was left stunned. Woman did not run, only walked. Security could have caught her if I shouted. But I did not. Ive only walked away as if nothing happened in front of my eyes. Am I ignorant?
Been asking myself this question all morning but the incident proved me. I guess I am. Well I dont want to!
Wake me up. I dont want to be ignorant!
Friday, 17 April 2009
never too far
yes technology!thanks for the many great cool gadgets and the sophisticated systems that support the programs available today, our loved ones will never be too far too apart anymore.
mama is one call away. baba is one skype away. milla is one text away. izzat is one ym away. mun is one facebook away and the list goes on and on to hundreds and thousands of them out there.
looking at my cell. silence.
praying in my heart. 'please please please.please ring'
one long silence again. fingers crossed. ahah this tense? dramatic sungguh!
'please?'
tut tut.
no its not ringing. its my message alert.
hmm text?
okay i guess text is good enough.
'i dah touch down girona'
and i smiled. yeayy terbaik lah Lebara! *big grin*
so it is true. u can be in oxford, or london or kl or even barcelona, but ure never too far away.
i like the idea. never too far :)
mama is one call away. baba is one skype away. milla is one text away. izzat is one ym away. mun is one facebook away and the list goes on and on to hundreds and thousands of them out there.
looking at my cell. silence.
praying in my heart. 'please please please.please ring'
one long silence again. fingers crossed. ahah this tense? dramatic sungguh!
'please?'
tut tut.
no its not ringing. its my message alert.
hmm text?
okay i guess text is good enough.
'i dah touch down girona'
and i smiled. yeayy terbaik lah Lebara! *big grin*
so it is true. u can be in oxford, or london or kl or even barcelona, but ure never too far away.
i like the idea. never too far :)
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
stolen
im a sleepy head.and i dread waking up in the morning. especially when i only had few hours sleep in the night. especially when its cold in the morning and im all curled up under the duvet when suddenly the alarm did its magic - buzz my head baby! arghhhh i came to the point that i get sooo immuned with the tone, i'll just keep on sleeping as if im tone deaf and the annoying alarm isnt next to my ears.
though this is not always the case. sometimes, i have another alarm buzzing my ears early in the morning with a song that got stuck in my head and makes me want to sing along with it. sometimes it will go on snooze mode for about 4 or 5 times before i actually wake up - not merely opening my eyes but sitting up in my bed gazing out the window. heehoo thats an achievement okay.
anyhoo, i love the song. and for the deep meaning of it, i'de like to wake up every morning to the sound of that song as it always brings a smile on my face :)
though this is not always the case. sometimes, i have another alarm buzzing my ears early in the morning with a song that got stuck in my head and makes me want to sing along with it. sometimes it will go on snooze mode for about 4 or 5 times before i actually wake up - not merely opening my eyes but sitting up in my bed gazing out the window. heehoo thats an achievement okay.
anyhoo, i love the song. and for the deep meaning of it, i'de like to wake up every morning to the sound of that song as it always brings a smile on my face :)
We watch the season
Pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
Pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
help me. somebody stole my heart!
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
the stove and me
so i am a good cook. and i have my own fan club. oh well i know im exaggerating but to be honest, i do have my own fans for my different dishes. just to list them down here, i think it will take me ages. hahahh exaggerating again.
hmm okayy. here goes the list that i could remember.
my first biggest fan: Hafidz! he just loves all of my dishes, anything that i cook to be exact be it telur mata kerbau or telur dadar. and just because the cook is me, it somehow tastes like telur bistik. exagaration yang melampau kan?
'you know why it is so delicious?because it is cooked with love,' so he said.
but i appreciate that. it makes me want to cook more. good psychology play huh. anyhoo, his favourite dish was ayam masak kicap. i dont know whats so special about my ayam masak kicap. logically its just fried chicken dipped in pre-cooked kicap sauce and thats all it, ready for the tummy. but he seems to love it very much and i just dont know why. ohhkaayy Hafidz, you love my dish and i love you much. *hugs*
hmm okayy. here goes the list that i could remember.
my first biggest fan: Hafidz! he just loves all of my dishes, anything that i cook to be exact be it telur mata kerbau or telur dadar. and just because the cook is me, it somehow tastes like telur bistik. exagaration yang melampau kan?
'you know why it is so delicious?because it is cooked with love,' so he said.
but i appreciate that. it makes me want to cook more. good psychology play huh. anyhoo, his favourite dish was ayam masak kicap. i dont know whats so special about my ayam masak kicap. logically its just fried chicken dipped in pre-cooked kicap sauce and thats all it, ready for the tummy. but he seems to love it very much and i just dont know why. ohhkaayy Hafidz, you love my dish and i love you much. *hugs*
okay fan number two; Izzat. this boy, uhmm, guy, he practically eats whatever there is on the table. but he's sleek! he's got his own unique ways to get my butt off the couch into the kitchen digging in the freezer looking for what to cook.he has his own ayat pancing and it worked on me every single time he asked me to. and when im done with the dishes only i normally realize that ive been tricked. but i love him anyways. he melts my heart by saying
'izzat teringin la nak makan ape ayam yang adah masak aritu tu.sedap laa..' or....
'bole tak adah ajar camne nak masak lauk yang adah buat aritu..'.
u one sweet thing! but dont get him wrong when he said that. he really went into the kitchen with me to help me around, oh well if not, kept me accompanied. but he has his one particular dish that he likes very much that is... i dont know what its called but it is actually ayam that i cook with chilli and some daun limau purut towards the end. he likes it very much and always, he found his way to get me start banging the pots on the stove. sweet talking your own sister huh! lovesss!!!
fan number 3: baba. he especially likes it when i cook mee bandung. he likes it to the point that he'll help me preparing the dish in the kitchen. though there isnt much to do anyways because the mee bandung that i normally cook was actually ehmmm...cooked out of perencah mee bandung adami. hehe i know mengelat. but baba likes it very much and though there isnt much to do he's really keen to help around ie potong sayur sawi. but again its the same case, he will eat what ever it is thats been served on the table without complaining.
( actually there are as such; 'ni sayur ni potong besar2 macam kat kedai tercekik baba makan...' )
but nevertheless, i have always enjoyed cooking for him very much as the idea of having dinner together with mama and baba ( and sometimes other members of the family ) is what binds my heart home. oh well u might not understand this but i would really love us to have dinner together every day though sadly, this is not the case. i love baba very much. hugs n kisses and im sure im going to hurt my face kissing his cheek because of his spiky beard. hehe. superlove!!!
fan number four : milla!this woman, i love to the bits! she rocks my world but never my stomach. ahah. her specialties is mee maggi and never anything else. love love though *wink*. anyhoo, she loves my lasagne very much so, she came to my house just to learn how to bake one so she could make a special surprise birthday dish for her boyfriend then, her husband now :) . ive never seen her so anticipated with cook works but i could tell that she really did liked it very much. or at least pretended to like it so i would teach her how to make one. hehe. i like reminiscing what i had with her but all in all, living the moment to the fullest is the best thing to do just as so i could create more beautiful things to reminisce in the future. okay a bit way out of the topic but i get a bit emotional here to the thought that she's married and not mine anymore to fool around with. this woman, everlastinglove!!!
and allright, not to mention i have lots of you out there that fancied my muffin. i was known as raudhah muffin back in college. and those squeeky voice i used to have. ahah thats another chapter. i sometimes bake muffins for different purposes and i could tell the differences in their taste. if it is for fun, it normally tasted good like how it should. if i ddnt intend to bake one but i had to anyways, there will always be something wrong with it either its too dry or it get burnt in the oven. aaand if i bake them for those that i cared about, they tasted their best and as if they knew they were going to be presented to some special ones, they get themselves some nice brown tanned colour in the oven and set as perfectly as it should be with sometimes, exposing their blueberry fills pouring out from the top with those excellent smell. these are what i called superlicious muffins as they knew how to present themselves. hails and loves to the muffins. mwah mwah!
and yeah another dish that im really good at. assam pedas! to be honest, i love assam pedas so much so that i learnt how to cook it since i was in standard 5! tokmak's assam pedas was the best that i had ever tasted and i remembered requesting the dish prior making our way back to muar so that i could dig in as soon as we reached her home and kissed her hand. yeah. just ignore whoever that gets in the way. this specially emptied stomach was already craving for the delicious red coloured assam pedas served hot from the pot. *air liur tengah meleleh*
so yeah, ive been trying my hands on assam pedas dish since i was 11 that i get soo gooood at it. no kidding! its the most kacang dish i could cook now. i remembered whenever mama wants to hold any makan2 at home, my task was always to cook assam pedas. and i get loaaaadddssss of compliments even from orang melaka and johor! kembang hidung tak hengatt. so yeah, i couldnt really keep trail of how many assam pedas fan i have there but one thing im sure, i have the biggest fan here with me in London. :D :D
so yeah, who says anak dara zaman millenium tak pandai masak? (errr okayy mayyyybe hana is a special case.hehe peace! :P )
urghh.... my stomach is growling. yes, i kept a beast in my stomach and it gets hungry every so often! i should probably get going and dig in the fridge for anything to feed this monster in me.
till then~
'izzat teringin la nak makan ape ayam yang adah masak aritu tu.sedap laa..' or....
'bole tak adah ajar camne nak masak lauk yang adah buat aritu..'.
u one sweet thing! but dont get him wrong when he said that. he really went into the kitchen with me to help me around, oh well if not, kept me accompanied. but he has his one particular dish that he likes very much that is... i dont know what its called but it is actually ayam that i cook with chilli and some daun limau purut towards the end. he likes it very much and always, he found his way to get me start banging the pots on the stove. sweet talking your own sister huh! lovesss!!!
fan number 3: baba. he especially likes it when i cook mee bandung. he likes it to the point that he'll help me preparing the dish in the kitchen. though there isnt much to do anyways because the mee bandung that i normally cook was actually ehmmm...cooked out of perencah mee bandung adami. hehe i know mengelat. but baba likes it very much and though there isnt much to do he's really keen to help around ie potong sayur sawi. but again its the same case, he will eat what ever it is thats been served on the table without complaining.
( actually there are as such; 'ni sayur ni potong besar2 macam kat kedai tercekik baba makan...' )
but nevertheless, i have always enjoyed cooking for him very much as the idea of having dinner together with mama and baba ( and sometimes other members of the family ) is what binds my heart home. oh well u might not understand this but i would really love us to have dinner together every day though sadly, this is not the case. i love baba very much. hugs n kisses and im sure im going to hurt my face kissing his cheek because of his spiky beard. hehe. superlove!!!
fan number four : milla!this woman, i love to the bits! she rocks my world but never my stomach. ahah. her specialties is mee maggi and never anything else. love love though *wink*. anyhoo, she loves my lasagne very much so, she came to my house just to learn how to bake one so she could make a special surprise birthday dish for her boyfriend then, her husband now :) . ive never seen her so anticipated with cook works but i could tell that she really did liked it very much. or at least pretended to like it so i would teach her how to make one. hehe. i like reminiscing what i had with her but all in all, living the moment to the fullest is the best thing to do just as so i could create more beautiful things to reminisce in the future. okay a bit way out of the topic but i get a bit emotional here to the thought that she's married and not mine anymore to fool around with. this woman, everlastinglove!!!
and allright, not to mention i have lots of you out there that fancied my muffin. i was known as raudhah muffin back in college. and those squeeky voice i used to have. ahah thats another chapter. i sometimes bake muffins for different purposes and i could tell the differences in their taste. if it is for fun, it normally tasted good like how it should. if i ddnt intend to bake one but i had to anyways, there will always be something wrong with it either its too dry or it get burnt in the oven. aaand if i bake them for those that i cared about, they tasted their best and as if they knew they were going to be presented to some special ones, they get themselves some nice brown tanned colour in the oven and set as perfectly as it should be with sometimes, exposing their blueberry fills pouring out from the top with those excellent smell. these are what i called superlicious muffins as they knew how to present themselves. hails and loves to the muffins. mwah mwah!
and yeah another dish that im really good at. assam pedas! to be honest, i love assam pedas so much so that i learnt how to cook it since i was in standard 5! tokmak's assam pedas was the best that i had ever tasted and i remembered requesting the dish prior making our way back to muar so that i could dig in as soon as we reached her home and kissed her hand. yeah. just ignore whoever that gets in the way. this specially emptied stomach was already craving for the delicious red coloured assam pedas served hot from the pot. *air liur tengah meleleh*
so yeah, ive been trying my hands on assam pedas dish since i was 11 that i get soo gooood at it. no kidding! its the most kacang dish i could cook now. i remembered whenever mama wants to hold any makan2 at home, my task was always to cook assam pedas. and i get loaaaadddssss of compliments even from orang melaka and johor! kembang hidung tak hengatt. so yeah, i couldnt really keep trail of how many assam pedas fan i have there but one thing im sure, i have the biggest fan here with me in London. :D :D
so yeah, who says anak dara zaman millenium tak pandai masak? (errr okayy mayyyybe hana is a special case.hehe peace! :P )
urghh.... my stomach is growling. yes, i kept a beast in my stomach and it gets hungry every so often! i should probably get going and dig in the fridge for anything to feed this monster in me.
till then~
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
c u
suddenly i have this adrenaline rush to write.haha i dont know.i have so many things to write but here i am trying to figure out how to translate my thoughts into some structured sentence.
firstly, i dont even know why i started this account.but actually i do know!because ive been pested by someone to write knowingly.so yeah i thought,why not.it wont do me any harm.
i guess there arent really many out there that frequented my page.i dont really tell i write.poor publicity.ahah.but dont worry your eyes are not to be blamed.i dont really write stuff interesting enough for your eyes supplement.i practically write my diary here!ahah thats a thought.but hey if you want to read interesting feeds,do check out milla's blog.i admire her blog so much ive been stalking it since years before without her knowing.ngeh ngeh. --> http://millots.blogspot.com
i cant think of anymore to write though my thoughts are pouring endlessly.guess i'll just keep it to myself ;)
so yeah,i'll write again when i do.see you when i see you.roger n out!
firstly, i dont even know why i started this account.but actually i do know!because ive been pested by someone to write knowingly.so yeah i thought,why not.it wont do me any harm.
i guess there arent really many out there that frequented my page.i dont really tell i write.poor publicity.ahah.but dont worry your eyes are not to be blamed.i dont really write stuff interesting enough for your eyes supplement.i practically write my diary here!ahah thats a thought.but hey if you want to read interesting feeds,do check out milla's blog.i admire her blog so much ive been stalking it since years before without her knowing.ngeh ngeh. --> http://millots.blogspot.com
i cant think of anymore to write though my thoughts are pouring endlessly.guess i'll just keep it to myself ;)
so yeah,i'll write again when i do.see you when i see you.roger n out!
Sunday, 1 March 2009
untangle me
my hair is falling on my forehead in an odd way.nope.i dont look good with bangs.i have always wanted to have those nice killer bangs with shoulder length straight hair that resembles some of my idols when i was small.think reese witherspoon.she can really pull that off!thumbs up!!
mila's voice was so calm.she was, is, counting the days to the big day.i am indeed counting my days to her big day too.and along the way we both got so emotional that we sometimes broke down into tears.and she was preparing things and thinking of what i would and would not like.and here i am thinking of what has been done and could i possibly contribute to her getting things done.
alas,emotion is a big issue to handle.there was a day when i was so shocked to be receiving a phone call from her, crying like everything.i panicked.i thought something bad might have happenned but she wasnt saying much on the phone,only few words mumbling the 'i miss u so much' words.turned out that she had just got out from the cinema watching Bride Wars and it reminded her so much of me.
i couldnt get her.i thought it was supposed to be a romantic comedy,my kind of movie.and so i set a date with idora for a Bride War show and there i was in the hall,crying like everything too.but mila has bebe to calm her down.i have?...yes idora,i have you.thank you.very much indeed.and through all the other times,ide like to thank you for supporting me emotionally.yes,you know who you are :)
but im all mixed up.
'i miss u lots...
where haf u been?'
i thought i know these words.i thought im very much familiar with this style.i thought i know who wrote them.these words used to be frequenting my inbox.but i couldnt figure it out.it couldnt be who i thought it should be.im very much tangled.
just about the time i thought i should move on,this come knocking my door.perfect timing huh?!
i tied up my hair.and i pull a handfull of them to the back of my head.no hair!dont fall on my forehead.its too small for bangs.
but hey,i miss you.thank you for hearing me out.i actually thought it was so sweet of you to get emotional about yesterday.i was moody too if you havent noticed!thank you for your patience.thank you for your care.thank you for everything. :)
so a bunch of them fall on my forehead,again.yeah so what if i bunned the other lots at the back.there still are strands that went their way.i guess a few wouldnt hurt.i cant always get what i want,can i?
so hey,please!untangle me ;)
mila's voice was so calm.she was, is, counting the days to the big day.i am indeed counting my days to her big day too.and along the way we both got so emotional that we sometimes broke down into tears.and she was preparing things and thinking of what i would and would not like.and here i am thinking of what has been done and could i possibly contribute to her getting things done.
alas,emotion is a big issue to handle.there was a day when i was so shocked to be receiving a phone call from her, crying like everything.i panicked.i thought something bad might have happenned but she wasnt saying much on the phone,only few words mumbling the 'i miss u so much' words.turned out that she had just got out from the cinema watching Bride Wars and it reminded her so much of me.
i couldnt get her.i thought it was supposed to be a romantic comedy,my kind of movie.and so i set a date with idora for a Bride War show and there i was in the hall,crying like everything too.but mila has bebe to calm her down.i have?...yes idora,i have you.thank you.very much indeed.and through all the other times,ide like to thank you for supporting me emotionally.yes,you know who you are :)
but im all mixed up.
'i miss u lots...
where haf u been?'
i thought i know these words.i thought im very much familiar with this style.i thought i know who wrote them.these words used to be frequenting my inbox.but i couldnt figure it out.it couldnt be who i thought it should be.im very much tangled.
just about the time i thought i should move on,this come knocking my door.perfect timing huh?!
i tied up my hair.and i pull a handfull of them to the back of my head.no hair!dont fall on my forehead.its too small for bangs.
but hey,i miss you.thank you for hearing me out.i actually thought it was so sweet of you to get emotional about yesterday.i was moody too if you havent noticed!thank you for your patience.thank you for your care.thank you for everything. :)
so a bunch of them fall on my forehead,again.yeah so what if i bunned the other lots at the back.there still are strands that went their way.i guess a few wouldnt hurt.i cant always get what i want,can i?
so hey,please!untangle me ;)
Sunday, 15 February 2009
catch and release
it speaks on its own.
i guess being lethargic doesnt give me the excuse to escape life.at least thats not what ive been getting on my phone everyday
i just want to say thank you.
i know im bad with words and confrontation but i just want to say thank you.
i didnt know how to react or respond to each of your moves and gestures.
im a bit lost there.
jennifer garner,that was the sweetest speech ever.
i ought to be happy dont i?
i guess being lethargic doesnt give me the excuse to escape life.at least thats not what ive been getting on my phone everyday
i just want to say thank you.
i know im bad with words and confrontation but i just want to say thank you.
i didnt know how to react or respond to each of your moves and gestures.
im a bit lost there.
jennifer garner,that was the sweetest speech ever.
i ought to be happy dont i?
Sunday, 18 January 2009
forever?
i guess writing is one of the easiest means to get my thought through.i am really really bad at confronting i suppose.
i have nothing exciting to write about.its been dull and it has always been dull.reminiscing wont help at this point and i very much hope i could erase some parts of my memory.
and my biggest problem is that i tend to dwell into it.and it takes me forever to buck up again.
forever.
when will this forever leave me alone?
i have nothing exciting to write about.its been dull and it has always been dull.reminiscing wont help at this point and i very much hope i could erase some parts of my memory.
and my biggest problem is that i tend to dwell into it.and it takes me forever to buck up again.
forever.
when will this forever leave me alone?
Friday, 16 January 2009
wan chik
i have always envied this lady.she's had a good structured life ever since she was a small girl.
Wan Chik.she's my aunt.my mother's youngest sister.and oh my,they actually share the same birth date.07 October.when we were small and arwah Atok was still alive,October was the month the whole family was looking forward to.we will normally gather at Kelab Golf Negara Subang and had the birthdays celebrations.yes,birthdays.mama's family consist of 4 siblings and bravo to the good planning(or a mere coincidence),October had been the lucky month where they were all delivered to say hello world,good bye womb.yes.mama,Ayah Nyah,Wan Yang and last but not least,Wan Chik.
i guess being the last,she had always been the golden girl.she had been growing up to see her elder sisters and brothers excel in their academics.and she had been the top student all her life.i think i could remember she was awarded with an honorary grant by UM and the whole ceremony was held to congratulate her for her achievements.and she went flying with good results and graduated with flying colours and came back to Malaysia being awarded with a Renault by arwah Atok.i very much adored her then.in the early 90's that is,my dad was only driving a yellow mazda with fury dashboard if i could remember it right and there she was driving a stylish silver renault with all the modern features(as i could remember because i was comparing it to my dad's oldschool mazda).
and of course,what else to do after one have finished her studies; ->hit the altar!she was married to a handsome uncle called Ayah Chik in a matrimonial that i remember my whole life because i was the flower girl and had got the priviledge to be on the Pelamin the whole evening in a beautiful white dress holding Wan Chik's gigantic bouquet of pink roses.and as i like to conclude it in the fairy tales,they lived happily ever after. :)
and she is now in Doha blessed with 4 children and a happy home.
i have got her sms days before and when i got the text from her using a UK number,i gave her a call,almost immediately.and as i heard her voice at the end of the receiver,i was a bit stunned.she sounded like mama.and i have missed mama very much.
and so i spent my 3days with her.we called Syukri on the bus but he's in Warwick and busy attending classes that he couldnt come over to meet Wan Chik.pity him for that because we had a great time together.we bought a postcard to send to Opah and she was browsing through one of the cards that i have picked.'the only difference in London since i was here years ago was this London Eye'.hehe i suppose.
we walked the streets of London and she knew better!she had a better navigation instinct than i do(well,isnt that apparent since i get lost easily) and i suppose she was the one who became the tour guide.haha big laugh for me.
and yeah i got the priviledge to stay over at the hotel she's staying in.it was hmmm okay la.i expected hotels at Park Lane to be woww or aaauuwww but it was fairly okay laa.it was just as similar as the many Pan Pac that i have stayed in and nothing to be compared to Mandarin Oriental or Maya Hotel.hmm cant really blame the building's age because as we all know how old Maya hotel is but how delicate the interior is.5 stars for that!but i couldnt deny the fact that the bed is sooo comfy i would pass on breakfast.
and the time she's going back to Doha,i packed my stuff and tercampaklah keluar dari hotel tersebut.isk.kan ke sedih tu.
but all in all it was a surprise visit for me and i was very much thrilled.thank you for coming.silalah datang lagi! :)
Wan Chik.she's my aunt.my mother's youngest sister.and oh my,they actually share the same birth date.07 October.when we were small and arwah Atok was still alive,October was the month the whole family was looking forward to.we will normally gather at Kelab Golf Negara Subang and had the birthdays celebrations.yes,birthdays.mama's family consist of 4 siblings and bravo to the good planning(or a mere coincidence),October had been the lucky month where they were all delivered to say hello world,good bye womb.yes.mama,Ayah Nyah,Wan Yang and last but not least,Wan Chik.
i guess being the last,she had always been the golden girl.she had been growing up to see her elder sisters and brothers excel in their academics.and she had been the top student all her life.i think i could remember she was awarded with an honorary grant by UM and the whole ceremony was held to congratulate her for her achievements.and she went flying with good results and graduated with flying colours and came back to Malaysia being awarded with a Renault by arwah Atok.i very much adored her then.in the early 90's that is,my dad was only driving a yellow mazda with fury dashboard if i could remember it right and there she was driving a stylish silver renault with all the modern features(as i could remember because i was comparing it to my dad's oldschool mazda).
and of course,what else to do after one have finished her studies; ->hit the altar!she was married to a handsome uncle called Ayah Chik in a matrimonial that i remember my whole life because i was the flower girl and had got the priviledge to be on the Pelamin the whole evening in a beautiful white dress holding Wan Chik's gigantic bouquet of pink roses.and as i like to conclude it in the fairy tales,they lived happily ever after. :)
and she is now in Doha blessed with 4 children and a happy home.
i have got her sms days before and when i got the text from her using a UK number,i gave her a call,almost immediately.and as i heard her voice at the end of the receiver,i was a bit stunned.she sounded like mama.and i have missed mama very much.
and so i spent my 3days with her.we called Syukri on the bus but he's in Warwick and busy attending classes that he couldnt come over to meet Wan Chik.pity him for that because we had a great time together.we bought a postcard to send to Opah and she was browsing through one of the cards that i have picked.'the only difference in London since i was here years ago was this London Eye'.hehe i suppose.
we walked the streets of London and she knew better!she had a better navigation instinct than i do(well,isnt that apparent since i get lost easily) and i suppose she was the one who became the tour guide.haha big laugh for me.
and yeah i got the priviledge to stay over at the hotel she's staying in.it was hmmm okay la.i expected hotels at Park Lane to be woww or aaauuwww but it was fairly okay laa.it was just as similar as the many Pan Pac that i have stayed in and nothing to be compared to Mandarin Oriental or Maya Hotel.hmm cant really blame the building's age because as we all know how old Maya hotel is but how delicate the interior is.5 stars for that!but i couldnt deny the fact that the bed is sooo comfy i would pass on breakfast.
and the time she's going back to Doha,i packed my stuff and tercampaklah keluar dari hotel tersebut.isk.kan ke sedih tu.
but all in all it was a surprise visit for me and i was very much thrilled.thank you for coming.silalah datang lagi! :)
Saturday, 10 January 2009
ntahlah
i have to admit that i tend to relate myself with songs that i listen to.it kinda goes with the mood.and in a funny way,it heals my soul.and it makes my mind wander into spaces of probabilities and how things should go.
and am currently listening a lot to samsons.
hmmm.
this is too much,raudhah!
*silence*
ntahlah.
and am currently listening a lot to samsons.
hmmm.
this is too much,raudhah!
*silence*
ntahlah.
Saturday, 3 January 2009
60kilogram
NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOUR YEARS IN A ROW
NAK MAKAN BANYAK BANYAK KASI BADAN NAIK SIKIT
NAK MAKAN BANYAK BANYAK KASI BADAN NAIK SIKIT
2006
2007
2008
2009
its been three years now that i have the same resolution and i think im continuing the same resolution for the fourth year in a row.but this time it's going to be more specific.im going to hit 60 on the scale.
omg thats how skinny i was!go adah!!
Thursday, 1 January 2009
1st January
31st December 2008
it was freezing cold out there.but hey its new year eve.it seems like everyone has plan for their new year eve.idura was busy on the phone setting up her plans with her friends.ima was getting ready to go out and see the fireworks.she'd waited the whole day for the night.i guess chris and beth are having friends over because i could hear some noise from below.julia and nicholas?ahah our beloved grandma and grandpa would be staying home i guess.its just not their time anymore :P
me?im lazying around i guess.ever since ive moved,i dont feel like going out a lot.in fact,i dont feel like doing anything at all.i just want to stay home in my bedrom lying on the bed lazying around pampering myself with all sorts of cream and scrubbing my feet,doing the nails blah blahh and the list goes on.there are just so many things to do in my room now i couldnt seem to get myself ready to go out.oh and i am stil in my robe even though the sun is already setting now. for the whole day i was in the robe.its cold.i just dont want to get out of the robe.
but seeing idura and ima getting ready,i felt like i wanted to go out too.i dont want to be left alone since that 'incident'.and ima bagi ayat pancing die.'nak ikut kitorang keluar ke nak duduk rumah dengan....'. shoot!having heard that i decided to join them.on the spot!pengecut gak sbenanye.hehe
so guess what time we went out?7.45pm.awal gile kot.and we arrived at the Westminster Bridge at 9.00pm.ahah.and guess when the fireworks start.yeah yeahh.name pun sambut new year.it started at 12.00am and we had 3 hours to kill!oh mann it was freezing cold!i asked myself if i could wait that long.there were lots of people hugging each other because the temperature was impossible.it was -3.i kept hugging ima and idura.and practiced the better trick; squeezing into the crowd and standing still amongst the ocean of people.and i really pity the babies in the prams.if they could write a diary,i bet the entry for the night will be 'i hate my parents for dragging me out in the cold when i could be sleeping comfortably in a warm court at home'.i bet on that! :P
na'aah.i didnt make it till 12.it was impossible for me.i was freezing cold.i wore 4 layers underneath but i was still shivering.i couldnt feel my nose.i was wearing gloves but my hands were numbs.and clever me,i wore a pair of canvas shoes.not helping!!my feet were frozen that i couldnt feel my toes when i was walking.and hell yeah,it hurts.and in my mind i was thinking, nak balik,nak balik..nak duvett....
and so i went back.straight home to the blanket and duvet and bertapa depan heater.oh it felt sooo goooood.
i switched on my lappy.konon2 nak layan Greys but ahah typical me,i slept halfway.all the way until midnight.
mama called.it was 230am.she called and talked as if she's next door.ive missed this voice.and she wished me a Happy New Year.welcome 2009.
hmm.2009.
1st January 2009.
and uhm a bit of reality check here.by year,i am 24.shoot!
it was freezing cold out there.but hey its new year eve.it seems like everyone has plan for their new year eve.idura was busy on the phone setting up her plans with her friends.ima was getting ready to go out and see the fireworks.she'd waited the whole day for the night.i guess chris and beth are having friends over because i could hear some noise from below.julia and nicholas?ahah our beloved grandma and grandpa would be staying home i guess.its just not their time anymore :P
me?im lazying around i guess.ever since ive moved,i dont feel like going out a lot.in fact,i dont feel like doing anything at all.i just want to stay home in my bedrom lying on the bed lazying around pampering myself with all sorts of cream and scrubbing my feet,doing the nails blah blahh and the list goes on.there are just so many things to do in my room now i couldnt seem to get myself ready to go out.oh and i am stil in my robe even though the sun is already setting now. for the whole day i was in the robe.its cold.i just dont want to get out of the robe.
but seeing idura and ima getting ready,i felt like i wanted to go out too.i dont want to be left alone since that 'incident'.and ima bagi ayat pancing die.'nak ikut kitorang keluar ke nak duduk rumah dengan....'. shoot!having heard that i decided to join them.on the spot!pengecut gak sbenanye.hehe
so guess what time we went out?7.45pm.awal gile kot.and we arrived at the Westminster Bridge at 9.00pm.ahah.and guess when the fireworks start.yeah yeahh.name pun sambut new year.it started at 12.00am and we had 3 hours to kill!oh mann it was freezing cold!i asked myself if i could wait that long.there were lots of people hugging each other because the temperature was impossible.it was -3.i kept hugging ima and idura.and practiced the better trick; squeezing into the crowd and standing still amongst the ocean of people.and i really pity the babies in the prams.if they could write a diary,i bet the entry for the night will be 'i hate my parents for dragging me out in the cold when i could be sleeping comfortably in a warm court at home'.i bet on that! :P
na'aah.i didnt make it till 12.it was impossible for me.i was freezing cold.i wore 4 layers underneath but i was still shivering.i couldnt feel my nose.i was wearing gloves but my hands were numbs.and clever me,i wore a pair of canvas shoes.not helping!!my feet were frozen that i couldnt feel my toes when i was walking.and hell yeah,it hurts.and in my mind i was thinking, nak balik,nak balik..nak duvett....
and so i went back.straight home to the blanket and duvet and bertapa depan heater.oh it felt sooo goooood.
i switched on my lappy.konon2 nak layan Greys but ahah typical me,i slept halfway.all the way until midnight.
mama called.it was 230am.she called and talked as if she's next door.ive missed this voice.and she wished me a Happy New Year.welcome 2009.
hmm.2009.
1st January 2009.
and uhm a bit of reality check here.by year,i am 24.shoot!
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